Cybersex During a Scam

By Soraya Grant

The following article contains adult subject matter and is intended for our readers aged 18 and older.

Cybersex, also called "sexting" can include trading explicit written descriptions of sexual acts you would like to perform with the other person via text message, chat room conversation, IM, or email, sending or accepting nude or revealing photos or videos of the other person, or stripping and engaging in intimate acts via a webcam.

Many people engage in some or all of these acts during the course of their scam, and memories of these acts are often a source of embarrassment, worry, shame, and guilt. These feelings are often difficult to cope with, because they are so difficult to talk about, or even to think about or write out in your journal. Regardless of the amount of detail you decide to reveal to others or ponder in private, there are some things to keep in mind.

You Did Not Have Cybersex or "Sext" with Anyone

In order to have any type of sex, everyone involved in the sexual act must consent to the activity. If an individual did not consent, that person didn't have sex, that person was the victim of sexual assault. Unfortunately, unless you have absolute proof that the scammer was an adult and the victim was underage, a scammer cannot be prosecuted for online sexual coercion. But if you engaged in any type of online sexual activity with the scammer, what happened to you was not the online version of sex. It was the online version of sexual assault. During the acts, you believed you were engaging in sexual activity with the character the scammer created. In reality, someone else was sitting behind that computer screen. You never consented to any form of sexual activity with that person.

Consider the offline version of the scammer's behavior:

Suppose you are at a fairly wild weekend party, at which it is known that people slip off to private areas of the building to hook up. There is someone at the party you want to have sex with. At some point in the evening, you feel a bit worn down, and decide to use one of these areas to hide out by yourself for a bit. Someone else enters the room without turning on the light and initiates sexual activity. You believe it to be the man or woman you want to have sex with and the acts occur. You wake alone the next morning and overhear an entirely different person bragging about how they tricked you last night. Would you recognize this as sexual assault and not sex? Of course. What the scammer did was the same thing, just carried out online. Just as if it were offline, being tricked or forced into sexual activity you would not truly want is never your fault.

We Cannot Guarantee any Private Materials Won't Be Shared, but the Chance is Miniscule

Once the scammer realizes you know the situation is a scam, they might threaten to post any private materials they tricked you into sending them on to pornographic web sites as revenge. As hard as this may be to hear, this is a possibility. There are numerous pornographic web sites online, and not all of them are respectful enough to require signatures or other forms of consent from anyone featured in a video, photo, or dialogue. At the same time, the possibility is very remote. It is simply not in the scammer's best interest to share your intimate materials for revenge.  By doing so, they expose themselves, and they don't need the extra attention!

If your scam was a Nigerian scam or an American copycat of a Nigerian scam, the scammers are in it for the money. Time spent sorting out which explicit photo or video was taken from which victim, making an account on the site, and uploading the material is time taken away from manipulating other victims who are still willing to send money.

American scammers who are out to manipulate anyone they can for revenge over perceived past injustices are also not likely to bother sharing your intimate videos, photos, or dialogue. These people get their "payout" in the thrill of knowing they are making someone fall in love with a character they created and messing with the person's head. Like the money scammer, it is in their personal interest to move right along to the next target.

Personal revenge scammers, those who target a specific person for a scam in order to torment that individual, are not likely to post items on pornographic web sites because it increases their likelihood of getting into trouble. If you just found out the guy across town has been scamming you because he's jealous of you, and intimate videos you sent to a girlfriend that turned out to be a character created by him show up online, you're going to know he did it.

Many scam victims fear their private materials will be used in future scams. Again, nobody can promise you they won't, but regardless of the type of scam, the scammers are in it for the scammers, and they are going to use the easiest path possible. With all the pornographic web sites, nude and boudoir photography sites, lingerie modeling sites, etc out there, it is very unlikely that your materials will be selected.

You Did Not Give the Scammer or Scammers a Thrill

Scammers want "cybersex" materials because it makes the situation seem real, it make you think you've become close to their created character, and it serves as an easy thing to threaten you over, even if those threats are too much trouble for them to carry out. They aren't doing it for sexual gratification, and were likely watching porn during sexual chats or copying and pasting dialogue from written porn sites. The only pleasure they got was knowing they tricked you into doing it.

We Are Here for You

Scams of the Heart members will not judge you for any activity, sexual or otherwise, that you engaged in under the manipulation and control of the scammer.

American Romance Scams

American Romance Scams

by Soraya Grant

Most romance scams are carried out by organized gangs of criminals located in Nigeria, Ghana, or other west African nations. Countries of the former Soviet Union are also common locations for rings of foreign scammers. Some who study or fight against romance scams believe that these are the only types of romance scams that exist, but reality shows such as "Catfish" and the "Tall Hot Blonde" case reveal that many romance scams are carried out by Americans.

Most of the details of an American romance scam are identical to those of a foreign romance scam. The scammer will start with a base character, then use details you reveal on an online dating profile, social networking page, forum, or chat room to tailor that character to you. They will claim to fall in love with you very quickly and without ever meeting you offline. Once they believe they have you hooked, they will string you along, pretending to be in a relationship with you, but generating excuses when you ask them to meet you in person. You may notice that the details of their life seems inconsistent with their online and phone behavior. For example, they may claim they are a police officer on night shift, yet never be too tired to chat during the day when a real officer on nights would be asleep, or talk about having a teenage son but act confused or vague when you mention coping with your own teen's parent-teacher meetings, fads, or daily schedule. Repeated lines are also common, as the scammer may be talking to several people at once while pretending to only talk to one person. Stolen photos and/or invented descriptions are commonly used. It is also not uncommon for more than one person to be involved in the scam. The American scammer may have some friends or relatives who were in on the scam from the start, or they may talk someone else in to pretending to be them on the phone to cover up the fact that their gender, accent, or age is different from the character they are playing in order to run their scam.

Like the Nigerian scammers, American scammers will invent health problems, travel difficulties, family problems, and financial difficulties as reasons to avoid meeting and/or persuade you to send them gifts or money or do favors for them.. As with the Nigerian scam, if you accept and reship packages of illegal materials, take phone calls or answer emails that turn out to be related to drug deals, or deposit money in an account for someone who is engaged in illegal activity, you may still be charged and convicted of a crime. It is also impossible to get back any money you sent to someone in America because they talked you into giving it to them. Attempting to confront an American romance scammer is just as dangerous as attempting to confront a foreign romance scammer.

Despite these similarities, there are a few details of an American romance scam that may be different from one based overseas.

More Real Details May Be Used

The only detail of a Nigerian scam that isn't invented is the point when the victim is told their "love" is in Nigeria or Ghana. American scammers may mix in some more small pieces of reality. They might use their real name, details from online articles that mention them, such as a former spouse's obituary or a child's engagement announcement, or reveal their real workplace. This does not mean the person you talk to or the relationship is real. It just means it's easier for the scammers that way. It saves them the trouble of making up a story about why they can't take a personal check made out to their name when they take your money. American scammers may also not be as experienced as Nigerian scammers, and it could be easier for them to play characters based on themselves. Using a real name, and some real details from their life is also a manipulation tactic. They plant these details knowing you will research them online, see that what they are telling you "checks out," and trust them. Anyone who discovers they have been scammed by an American using his or her real name must remember not to mention the scammer's full real name anywhere online or if quoted as a source for an article about romance scams. Nobody is trying to coddle or protect the scammer.. This is done to make sure the scammer cannot sue the web site, victim, or publication for slander or libel.

The "Poor Grammar" Red Flag Does Not Apply

This is one red flag that is unique to the Nigerian or other foreign scams. The person you are actually talking to may speak very little English and will often cut and paste dialogue from different web pages or muddle through the conversation with incorrect English, using the excuse that they can't type well or have a sticky keyboard to explain it away if challenged. American scammers ' dialogue and notes may be as flawlessly written as those from the real people you talk to online. The absence of muddled English, often called "scammer grammar" does not mean you are not being scammed. It merely means you are being scammed by someone who speaks fluent English.

Requests for Money Are Often More Subtle

American scammers don't have the "I'm trapped in Ghana" story with all the made up taxes, fees, currency issues, and other completely invented reasons they need you to send your money right now. Their stories often take place entirely in America, and they know their victims will be aware of other ways to deal with the situation they describe. For example, if a scammer tells his victim he just lost his job, traveled to a strange city to interview for a new one, learned the job was a hoax, and is now stranded all weekend without the hotel room and food money the company promised, the victim will know he could go to a soup kitchen, food bank, church, or other local service organization for help. Some American scammers do boldly ask for money, but others drop increasingly strong hints until the victim offers them the money. One member of "Scams of the Heart" had an American scammer who planned an elaborate first date that would require him to travel and then began regaling her with tales of medical problems for him and his family, complained of being in a low paying job, and talked at length about struggling and being under stress until the victim offered to send money for his travel and for some of his bills to enable them to be together. The scam was nothing more than a subtle, Americanized twist on the classic Nigerian "I can't get to you without your money" scam.

The Scam Might Not be a Money Scam

Some American scams are copycat Nigerian scams, but other American scammers' goals are not financial. Many American scammers act out of a desire for revenge. They may be angry over some experiences from their past and get a kick out of messing with people the way people have messed with them. A man who has been rejected by a lot of women might create a male character, scam women, and feel he has gotten back at the female population in general when he emotionally manipulates and deceives a woman online. Some Americans set out to scam people they know as a form of punishment for something the person has done to them. This does not make the situation any less of a scam. It just removes the "asks or hints for money" warning sign.

The Victim May Not be as Readily Believed

Scams of the Heart welcomes and cares for victims of all types of romance scams. If somebody pretended to be a completely fake person or invented a fake version of him or herself, used that character to manipulate you into thinking you had a boyfriend or girlfriend, and then used you to unknowingly perform illegal activity, conned you into sending them money, or humiliated you for revenge, you will find hope here. This is not true of all groups of people, whether they meet online or offline. Some people might brush your scammer off as an ordinary everyday jerk and chime in with their own "bad relationship" or "crush who turned out to be a loser" story. In some cases the person means no harm. They honestly don't understand that a scammer, no matter where they live, is different than a bad date or bad relationship or marriage. Direct them to this web site to learn more about scamming, and answer their questions as honestly as you can. In other instances, the person you are trying to tell the story to is flat out being a jerk. Avoid fighting with these people. If you have just discovered you've been scammed, you do not need any more stress. It is far better to just bow out of the group or conversation and find genuine support. (If you're reading this, you found it).

It May be Harder for the Victim to Accept that It's a Scam

The more reality the scammer mixes in with their fiction, the more it can seem like you were in a real relationship with an actual human being. It may be a struggle to fully accept it that you never did have a girlfriend named "Jane Doe38" when you're looking at the web page of a real business that does indeed list a "Jane Doe38" as manager. It is probably hard not to look back and wonder how her brother is doing when you read a graduation announcement for a real kid in their local paper online, even if you have come to realize that kid never had the health problems his sister detailed in order to get your money. Whenever you are tempted to think a selection of real details makes a situation real, think of historical fiction. TC Boyle is particularly skilled at taking real historical figures or events and using them in his novels. Both Harvey Kellog and Alfred Kinsey have appeared as characters in his work. However, neither man was ever in any of the exact situations Boyle describes, they never said the words he uses as their dialogue, and most of the other people they interact with were invented by the author. Boyle's work is still fiction. The same holds true for your scam. Mixing a few real details into a scam is like sprinkling bakery sprinkles on a ceramic cupcake. It may have a few pieces of a real dessert, but it is still not a real dessert.

Regret and Forgiveness

Why is it that these two words are the hardest to follow or accept? Know the old saying that hind sight  is 20/20, we look back and see all the things that we  either choose to forget or our subconscious mind did not allow us to see at the time. I have often wondered why this is, is the memory too painful for our minds to handle at the time or did we choose to ignore hoping it would get better or change?

Regret is something we all have.  We feel  sorry for our actions, something we said or something we didn’t say, something we did or didn’t do to someone that was hurtful or wrong, either knowing we did it or unintentionally. We mourn for something or somebody; feel sadness or sense of loss and longing. After knowing about being scammed, did I regret the things I did? Or was is it the things I didn’t see, the signs or should have known better? These questions I have asked myself over and over again. What could I have done differently? I thought I had done my research into online dating, thought I was prepared, thought I was smart enough, wise enough , this strong independent woman was prepared for this whole new dating world.   

 When I lost my mother, I regretted giving her a hard time, regretted not telling her that I loved her more, regretted that I didn’t help her more. With my scammer, could I have really made a difference in helping him more?  Could I have changed the way he lived and made our so called relationship work? Could I have changed the fact that I was scammed and lied to?  And after knowing he used me, my biggest regret was I believed he truly cared for me. I regretted that I put myself into a position that could have caused me a life of freedom, a life away from my family, my grandson’s and my life in general. 

My scam was a little different from most:  most gave their life long, hard earned money, some gave scammers money they stole from others.  We didn't know we were being deceived into giving money.  We did this not knowing that in our  lives it could have been used to fix our cars, our health, our homes or our retirement. Those are now our regrets we have; the scammers' only regret is they were exposed and now are cut off. We are humans we all will have regrets in life, it’s the path we have to walk on our journey, but it shouldn’t  consume us, we can’t bring back the what if’s, we have to go forward and a make the best of our now’s. And that leads me to forgiveness.

 I believe forgiveness is the hardest lesson of all. Letting go of the hurt caused to us, the grudges, the bitterness and the anger.  We say we forgive someone who has hurt us, but do we really? We try to live our lives honestly, with compassion. We try to treat others how we would like to be treated. But when we have been hurt and deeply, been lied to and used, how do we find forgiveness?  Mustering up genuine compassion for those who have wronged us, instead of allowing anger toward them to eat at us. Our pain is like open wounds and can leave lasting feelings of anger and vengeance and yet if don’t practice forgiveness who really pays the most dearly? I have found that forgiveness leads to hope, peace and joy, it can lead us in our healing.

To genuinely forgive someone, it’s a decision to let go of the resentment, the hurt feelings. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to minimize or justify what has happened to us, they are responsible for the hurt they caused you, you can forgive without excusing them. Forgiveness can lower your anxiety, stress and hostility, lessen your depression. I am not saying you have to forgive your scammer or ever forget, what I am saying is “Forgive yourself”.

If we cannot forgive ourselves, we pay the higher price by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship or new experience we have in life. We become so wrapped up in the wrong that we cannot enjoy the present, we become more depressed and anxious and feel life lacks meaning or purpose. Consider the value of forgiving yourself and the importance in your life. Move away from being the victim and release the control and power the scammer has had on your life.

So I have chosen to let go of the past, that is something I can no longer change. It is no longer an option to let the past dictate to me how I live my life. I will never forget, but it is now my choice to be free and happy and not hold grudges. Forgiveness may be the hardest thing ever to do but in the long run forgiving myself and not living in regret makes me a better person.

Verna

A member's nightmare

Imagine sitting in a prison in a far away country.  We're not talking a cushy federal prison -- but a third world prison. International treaties that govern how prisoners can and should be treated are not recognized in Malaysia & human rights are non-existent. This is a country where detainees have been punched & beaten daily for a month for being caught with a cell phone. Detainees (those who have not even been tried or sentenced) can be held in solitary confinement for up to 60 days.  Initially, detainees will have virtually no exposure to the outside world, as they are denied access to family visits, books and newspapers. However, after the first two weeks, detainees will be allowed to see their families once a week, for approximately 45 minutes. For such meetings, the detainees are taken from the PRC blind-folded to a police station. Additionally, detainees will not be allowed to see their lawyers during the entire 60 day period. The detainees are restricted from access to the outside world to prevent them from leading the police on a "wild goose chase," and to enable maximum cooperation with the police. (see footnote 1)  Now imagine this is you and that you are here because you married your love, one who turned out to be a scammer.

One of our members wrote to us in December to describe her story.  She was caught up in a romance scam -- and after eight months of corresponding, made plans to marry her love.   On the sixth day of her "honeymoon", the apartment they were staying in was raided.   She was arrested along with the other wives and occupants, and while she was released eventually, the stark reality is that she ended up in a Malaysian prison because she was willing to speak to a stranger she'd met on the internet; to believe that love and marriage are possible.  

This woman is well traveled, has lived in the US and AU, and is a devout Muslim.  How did she end up here?  I asked her how she made it through this ordeal --and she responded that it was her faith that carried her through.  Allah would not take her to a place where she would not be protected.  I am in awe of such inner strength.  she was released and is putting her life back together.  She is one of the lucky ones.

The scammer in this story is awaiting deportation to Nigeria, where he has another wife and family.   He uses email addresses such as Decoder4u4eva@yahoo.com, Wilson4u4eva@yahoo.com, and Frank4u4eva@Hotmail.com.  She sent the above photo in the hope that someone might recognize one of these men.  Look at this photo carefully.  These are the men who are sending the carefully crafted love letters, the sweet words we long to hear.  

What happened to "Beth" could happen to any of us.  Scammers use well documented social engineering methods to create a profile and manipulate their victims into doing and saying things they would not ordinarily do.  Some victims describe being "under a spell" and knowing that they are doing things they maybe shouldn't, but feel powerless to resist.  We send money and reship packages, never thinking it could result in legal complications. Some of us dream of marriage and happily ever after.  For certain, none of us ever expects that will end in a Malaysian prison. 


Our goal at ScamsoftheHeart.org is to help victims turn into survivors, to assist in their healing, and to educate the world about scammers.  If we've gotten your attention today, we've done all of this.  

1: http://www.hrschool.org/doc/mainfile.php/lesson31/51/

Depression

This month, I asked a few members of SOTH to write about their experiences.  This is the first of the two stories. Thank you to Darbycat for sharing her thoughts with us. -- mw

I was so very depressed after learning I was a victim of being scammed. I just could not understand what was happening to me. How could this person use me like that and how could I have allowed this to happen. I have to share how I met him and why I could not understand. I was divorced 15 years ago, remained single trying to focus on raising my children, healing myself from a 10 year failed marriage. I was not ready to put myself out in the dating world, did not like who I was and did not want to make my children go through the process of bringing someone new into there lives. Divorce just does not effect the couple, it effects the children more so than a marriage full of resentment, arguing. They feel at least my parents are together. Anyway after getting them raised and on there own and me liking who I was finally, I decided to do the online dating thing. It wasn’t that I could not meet people or interact with them, but it was the new social media way of finding a potential companion/relationship. I did my research into online dating, the supposed safe way of meeting people.. I never heard of romance scammers and it didn’t even cross my mind they were out there. I signed up to a paid dating site, had my share of mutual responses both local and out of state men. I met this man who was widower looking to get back into dating after 3 years, we conversed on that site several times before he gave me his phone number and asked to speak with me over phone. Even this went on for about a month and then we met in person, had a brief relationship before he took a job in Malaysia.I checked out his contract with whom he was suppose to work for, checked out business and made sure it was the truth. He even said he understood if I didn’t want to continue with him being so far away and for a long period of time.. We kept our relationship online and by phone for over a year, never once did he ask me for money, never asked for anything but my time and attention, we even had video messaging. It wasn’t until about a month before I found out about the scam, he was due to come back to the states, told me he over stayed his work Visa and needed to stay longer work to come up with funds. I started to receive gift cards to help him make purchases and to ship to him so he could get the extra funds. I never thought I was doing something wrong until I was visited by a Postal Inspector telling me I was being used as a mule to purchase things and reship, that gift cards were stolen from other people. You can image my shock, my slap in the face. I confronted him immediately, I was outraged. I was being prepped all along, that my so called relationship with this man was a fake.

Anxiety immediately took over, I couldn’t think, sleep, eat or concentrate at home or work. My daughter found SOTH, where I immediately went to for help. As I’ve said I did not know there was such a thing as romance scams. I wanted answers, needed know why this happened to me. I eventually had to seek Mental Health therapy. That was my eye opener to depression and how the medical field and public really did not know how to treat my type of depression. I asked how can this be? How can the medical field not know that there are people out there suffering from devastation from romance scams. Why isn’t there any adequate help and resources out there? So my search began: I found a lot of subjects on credit card scams, scams on natural disaster relief programs, financial institution scam. But not one article on romance scams. Wow that said a lot in it’s self..

We go thru a lot of emotional changes after we have learned we’ve been scammed. It is best described as we suffer a loss much like divorce, death of a spouse or end to a long-term relationship. It is similar to PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). The devastation of losing the person we thought loved us but betrayed us is overwhelming. We experience embarrassment, humiliation, our self esteem is crushed, we become angry and want revenge, we want answers to something that cannot be answered. To us we believed we were in a relationship, to them it’s just another job, we are just another person to help them in there crimes, we are not even considered a human being to them, that is why we cannot understand or find the answers. And then depression sets in to the fullest. We miss and crave the attention that our scammer gave us, the sweet words, the attention we so wanted and most of all the love we had. It is documented that 6.7% of the U.S. population suffers from some type of depression. These symptoms range from everyday struggles, the up’s and down’s of daily living to chronic mental health conditions such as Bipolar, Manic depressive and the list goes on. We all experience loneliness, hopelessness, helplessness, anxiety, sleep deprivation, lack of concentration and mental fatigue. With romance scam we reach all of these symptoms quickly in such a very short time. So that was why I was floored that our Mental Health professionals know so little of what we are going thru, why they have a hard time understanding what we are going thru. Most just want to give us medication as they do not know who to counsel us.

Most therapies tell us we need to confront what it is that is causing our pain, our depression. Find answers and begin our closure. It’s just not that simple for us as romance victims. We try to get by each day with the interaction, we try everyday to find ourselves again, we grieve, we cry and then we accept what has happened and we talk with people who share the same experience as we do.

Our healing begins by shutting out these people, by not letting them back in, we begin by educating and protecting ourselves from them, learn there language, learn who the scammers are online from the real ones. Help educate others about them. We cannot change who the social media site allow on there, money is there motivation and as long as they receive there fees they are not interested in what happens. We heal by knowing we are special people, we have large hearts, are caring people and never give up on that. We learn to like who we are again. We all have depression in our lives, some may require medication to assist us for a time and that’s okay. And we when we feel down, talk to someone in your group who understands. We all learn from every experience in life, some lessons are harder to learn from but in the end we can, we survive. We are the winners.

85 Days Til What???

Well, what can I say?  We've had a very busy summer at SOTH.  It's almost Labor Day already and that gets me thinking about how close the holiday season is.  You saw it in the title here.  It is only 85 days until Thanksgiving here in the USA.  While everyone gears up for the change of seasons, we are gearing up at SOTH for the holidays.  It's not parties we are thinking about either.
 I would love to believe we may be able to prevent some people from getting all excited about meeting their new romantic interests for the holidays only to be left waiting alone at the airport for someone who is never going to arrive as they promised.  To me, this seems like one of the worst parts of these scams.  All that happy anticipation boiling down to deep disappointment in just a few minutes just makes me almost want to go set up a booth or room at the nearest airport just to be there for anyone who was waiting on a phantom that did not show up.  But the best I can do is prepare myself for the holidays at SOTH.  The busiest time of the year always seems to be that time between Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day and sometimes on through to Easter as these fakes pretend they are going to be "home" for the holiday.

Consider this my little booth at the airport as I hope to send out the message to anyone who may be reading this right now...if you are using online dating sites to find love, please be very careful and please read everything you can find online about romance scams so that you can also be prepared for the holidays.  If you are emailing someone, check the FULL email header (not the abbreviated one we all see on our emails) to find the IP address of the person you are emailing.  Don't be concerned about invasion of privacy.  It's out there for anyone to see and to be safe in this world, it's something we need to learn how to do to protect ourselves.  If you have received photos, run them through Tineye and Google Images to see if those photos have been stolen or used on other profiles in the past.  If these come up without any convincing information as to whether the person you are talking to is a scammer, then contact us so we can help you figure it out.  It's so much better to be safe and know than to risk your heart being broken and your bank account cleaned out.  And it's much better than waiting at the airport to find out the truth.

 ~~~~

Okay a quick change in topic to announce that we have added a new moderator to our group.  We now have four moderators who are ready, willing, and able to help you navigate your way through the internet jungle.  We'd love to tell you all that it's a safe place out there.  But we can't do that.  What we can do is help you learn how to be safer online, especially when online dating or using social networks such as Facebook.  So help me welcome our new moderator, Angel, to the fold.  Along with Mair, Share, and myself, Angel will be there for you to reach out to if you need help dealing with romance scam issues.

cp     

A Big Anniversary Celebration Is In The Works

The month of August 2012 is a big month for us at Scams of the Heart.  Our main website including the chat room officially opened on August 7, 2011 which means we will be having our first year anniversary.  And for our group, that means a party!  Not just any party, either.  We continue to have our holiday parties and member birthday parties, and sometimes parties for no particular occasion, but this anniversary party is going to be the King of Parties!  Beginning Friday, August 3rd and ending Sunday, August 12th, this party will be more than a week long celebration of memories from the past year and even before that to our goals and plans for the future of the group.  We hope all our members and friends, old and new, will join us in the fun.  We have a lot to be thankful for!

To join the fun, or to come and get help if you are involved in a possible romance scam, just click HERE.

~~cp

Steps To Healing From A Scam

Here is an article written for us by a guest writer. it is very informative and may give you a new perspective on the whole experience of being scammed and what the writer did to help the healing process.

ss

Steps to Healing from a Scam

by Soraya Grant

Give Yourself Time, Energy, and Space to Process What Happened to You

Scammers engage in deliberately planned patterns of psychological manipulation. Many of the tactics they use are identical or very similar to those used by abusers in domestic violence situations, cult leaders, and unscrupulous multi-level marketing schemes. You may have lost, or come very close to losing a lot of money or find your finances in disarray because you bought clothes, electronics, furniture, or other items for what you thought was your new life with someone wonderful. None of this is something a person can just recover from instantly. Accept that for a time, you will dwell on the scam. The person you believed you were talking to either shared your religious and political beliefs or the two of you engaged in an enjoyable or enlightening banter on these subjects. The two of you had the same or perfectly compatible career, family, and financial goals, and spent a great deal of time discussing these issues. You were likely charmed by all the "little things" the two of you had in common. When you've just spent weeks or months discussing everything with someone, everything is naturally going to remind you of that person. You may find yourself clinging to tiny bits of the scam as though they reflected reality, even though you know they do not. Some scam victims become attached to videos or photos the scammer used. My own scam was a copycat of the Nigerian scam, run by one or more Americans who tossed in a few real details of the primary, possibly only, scammer's life to throw off anyone who researched them, and I found myself unable to let go of the town I had been made to believe would soon be my home. This period of intense focus on the scam will be incredibly painful while it lasts, but you are not doomed to a life sitting alone repeatedly watching the movie the two of you talked about or gazing at stolen photos or web pages of places you'll never see. Eventually, little gaps will begin to form. My first gap was a criminology book I purchased on a trip to a mall with some people who knew nothing of the scam. I spent about ten minutes picking it out and several hours reading it and pondering the cases it discussed instead of the scam. These gaps will slowly stretch, becoming larger and larger as you heal, until the scam is nothing more than a tiny thread at the back of your mind.

Take Back Some of the Little Things You Gave Up to Please the Person You Thought You Knew

Did you used to love to tend your flower garden, but gave that up to spend time online talking to the scammer? Buy new plants or seeds if you can afford it, and if your finances are depleted, organize your gardening tools or shed or spend some time online learning about the latest trends or techniques for the type of gardening you enjoy. If you love to read, but never got to finish many books due to waiting for the scammer to IM you or log into chat, buy or check out something new for yourself. Have a video, movie or television show marathon featuring that celebrity crush you always avoided mentioning so the person you thought you were in a relationship with wouldn't get jealous. Listen to music you gave up because it was part of a painful story the scammer told, or an artist they claimed not to like. The scammer who victimized me played on my sympathy by insisting that he broke down crying because the song "Drops of Jupiter" by Train was "his song" with his wife who died. While the ringleader or sole copycat scammer did indeed have a wife who died, I have no idea if that was one more detail of his deceased wife's life he was heartless enough to use in an internet romance scam, or if that was an invented detail he or they stole from some former victim...and it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that Train is my favorite band, I've loved that song since it first came out, and I stopped listening to it so I wouldn't ever slip and tell "my boyfriend" that I had it playing in the background. That song has never sounded better than it did the first time I listened to it just because it was a song I liked.

Get Rid of Everything You Added to Your Life for the Person You Thought You Knew

Scammers craft the characters they play into the ideal partner for each victim, but they also manipulate people into making major plans they can use as an excuse to ask for money. Planning to marry or move in together as soon as he gets back from his business trip to Nigeria is a common ploy west African scammers use to set up the "I'm stuck in the country and need your money to get out" scene. If you experienced this, you may have started picking out furniture, looking at houses, or putting money away for a down payment. The American scammer who manipulated me planned a special first date and vacation for the two of us that would require him to travel a great distance, then complained incessantly about being broke until I offered to send him the money for his plane ticket and pay for the hotel rooms. I closed the account I set up for this purpose. Getting rid of realtor's cards, furniture catalogs, and anything else you obtained in preparation for your life together with this person will probably feel just as freeing. Another common scammer tactic is applying subtle pressure to see what little things they can get you to agree to do. You believe you are making compromises for the sake of a relationship, or doing something special to please your man or woman, but the scammer is really giving you a little test to see if you will do what they want. The American scammer had me convinced I should attend a school whose philosophy strongly contradicts my own beliefs, purchasing clothing items in colors and styles I don't care to wear, and changing my grooming and beauty routine habits to fit his stated tastes. I even took out an expensive cell phone plan in order to communicate with him. The process of informing that school I would not be attending, finding a place suited to me, donating those clothes, and getting rid of that phone was the process that finally ended the lasting pain.

Embrace Those Things That Have Always Been True to You Once Again

Sorting out what was you and what you took into your life because of the scam can be a complicated process. Mixed in with all those grand life changing plans and little tests the scammer gave you is a lot of your own thoughts, feelings, tastes, and interests that have been reflected back to you as belonging to the person you thought you knew. It's one of the primary methods they use to make you think the two of you have a lot in common or are compatible. Take your time with this, and be honest with yourself. The American scammer had an "ordinary guy" persona with me. He liked the simple life, in a small home with no designer or name brand labels or need to have jewelry or the latest gadgets. . He even sang me a song he claimed to have written years ago about being "an ordinary guy." Being more Sears and Applebee than Dior and country club myself, I embraced this enthusiastically and was inspired by "my man" to simplify even more. The day I discovered the scam, I first found a marriage announcement in his local paper for the man I thought was my soon to be live-in boyfriend and possible fiance and another woman. Not realizing it was a scam, I told someone else who claimed to be just his friend in the chatroom where we met that this man and I had been dating, but he demanded I keep it a secret. I then went on to tearfully tell the person the relationship was over because he had been cheating on me and had married the other woman. His "other friend" and I discovered it was a scam together, as we traded stories detail by detail, and realized that he had been pretending to carry on nearly identical relationships with both of us, including wanting us to arrange special meetings and dates that required him to travel. The only major difference was...the man she believed she'd been dating had a very different background, a slightly different appearance, and lived a very different lifestyle than the man I believed I had been dating. Her "boyfriend" had already bought her diamonds, lived in a huge house, and had just purchased the latest model smartphone. My initial urge was to start looking for five jobs I could hold at once, so that I could afford to live in a manner that was the exact opposite of the life we discussed, even if I would have to hold my nose to swallow that fancy food and own one outfit because it cost more than a whole wardrobe of clothes I actually wanted. But that would only be an act of cruelty to myself. That person who would rather have a DQ Blizzard than the Golden Oppulence Sundae at Serendipity 3 wasn't the scammer or the person the scammer was pretending to be...that was...and still is...me.

The above article was based on the path to healing taken by a romance scam survivor. It is not a therapy plan, nor is it recommend or endorsed by a mental health professional.

 

A New Messenger Poses Threat of Romance Scams

A new online dating instant messenger program has now made it more important than ever to learn how to recognize the warning signs of a romance scammer.  This program has the capability of allowing one person instant messenger access to multiple online dating sites at the same time.  This means that while one person joins several online dating websites, he (it's targeting men right now) can login to this instant messenger program and access all those dating sites at once instead of going to each one by itself.  This means that he can be chatting with women from multiple dating sites at the same time through one simple program.  

What does this mean?  It means that a typical group of romance scammers who have this instant messenger program can do in minutes what it may normally take hours for them to do.  It means contacting more potential victims in one shot where it would have previously taken them much longer to do.  It means that they no longer have to work on one dating site at a time.  They can access who knows how many of the dating sites they "work" on to reach more and more victims.  It means more people are going to get hurt unless they learn how to recognize the romance scam warning signs.

The article is HERE.

There are many websites available to see the warning signs of how to recognize a romance scammer.  Some of the best signs are:

1.  Their grammar does not match their education level they claim to have or job level or location where they live.  There grammar can be horrible one minute and nearly perfect in the next minute.  You notice discrepancies in grammar from one email to the next or from one day to the next, or even within a single chat session.

2.  They push you to move from the dating site or social network such as Facebook to chat on Yahoo Messenger or Skype, although now this new online dating site messenger program could change this as well.  Be very careful of anyone who is pushing you out of your comfort zone.  

3. They push you to use your regular email account instead of the dating site email.  It is much safer for you to remain within the dating site email but if you do switch to personal email, create a specific account just for that and don't let them know your normal email address.  

4.  You have checked their IP address from the email to your personal account and the country of origin of their emails is Ghana or Nigeria or even Malaysia or anywhere else outside the normal range of the area where they say they live.

5.  Their profile gets removed from the dating site almost immediately after they are contacting you.  They do this for several reasons, one being that they paid by stolen credit card and their profile was removed by the site, two being that they don't want you to be able to compare anything they say from this point on to what was said in the profile because they will be creating a specific profile to become exactly who you are looking for.  But the reasons they give for why the profile is no longer available is because they claim to already have found the one they were looking for when they found you.

6.  They tell you they love you within the first few minutes or first few days/weeks.  Falling in love that quickly especially with someone you have not even met in person does not happen.  Real love takes time for two people to get to know each other in all types of situations.  Scammers sweet talk their victims into a false sense of security and romance, creating a dream come true.  

7.  They always seem to have reasons why you cannot meet in person.  Job, family, illness, business trips, car problems.  If you cannot meet your online interest within a few weeks time, become very suspicious.  Remember, it is much safer to keep your online dating parameters within local distance ranges that allow for face to face dates.

8.  No matter where they claim to be, suddenly the mention of Nigeria or Ghana comes into their story for whatever reason.  It may be business trips, or job contracts.  It could be to retrieve an inheritance.  It could be lots of reasons.  Whatever the reason, the mention of Nigeria or Ghana is the 100% proof you need that this is indeed a romance scammer.

9.  They want your phone number, address, or other personal information almost immediately.  They want to hear your voice.  They want to send you a gift.  Do not give out this information to anyone until you know this is not a romance scammer.  

10.  They are sending you love letters or love poetry that is not in the same type of grammar and tone that they normally email you in.  This is because they are using love letter and love poetry websites and doing a copy/paste of the letters into your email they send you.  It's all part of the social profiling/social engineering that they are doing to build up your relationship with them so they can start asking you for money.

11.  They claim to be ready to come "home" to be with you but suddenly they've been in an accident and need money for the hospital, or customs is holding them up at the airport for some reason, they need something called BTA (Basic Travel Allowance) which does not exist, they have been mugged, their child has gotten sick...many many stories and all scams.  They are now trying to get you to feel responsible for them because you love them and they want you to send them money that they will pay you back with when they see you.  Only they will never be actually coming to see you.  They will just find more and more reasons to ask you for money.  

12.  They send you flowers, teddy bears, candy, and soon after that they ask you to accept a package for them from a "client" or some other person they have explained to you.  You are then to forward that package on to them or to another person.  This is called reshipping and is a felony that can land you in prison.  Do not give them your home or work address.  They send you the gifts so they can confirm the address is correct, then try to start this reshipping project through you.

13.  They tell you they cannot cash their paycheck, or some other problem they are having with checks and money while they are overseas, so they ask you to open a bank account for them or just use your own bank account and cash the checks for them.  They may even ask you to keep some of the money for yourself but send the rest to them via Western Union.  Do not do this under any circumstances.  Just like the reshipping, this is illegal and the checks or money orders you receive are counterfeit.  Even if your bank says they have cleared in the next few days, eventually you will end up owing your bank back for any of that money you take out.  Never send cash overseas to anyone you have never met in person face to face.  Don't send cash to anyone you have only met online and/or by telephone.

14.  You talk to them on the phone or in voice chat and you notice that they have an accent that does not fit who they say they are or where they are from.  

15.  They ask you tons of questions but refuse or stall at answering your questions.  When they do answer your questions it is only after a long pause (while they go online and look up the answer).  For this reason, ask them as many questions as you can think of.  If they cannot respond to reasonable questions immediately, do not trust that they are who they claim to be.

There are many, many more warning signs than these alone.  The point is, deep down inside us we have this thing in our gut telling us when something doesn't feel right.  If you are using online dating and you start feeling this thing in your gut saying "Whoa!  Hold up a bit!" then listen to it.  The longer someone is involved in a romance scam the more difficult it is to convince them that it is a scam and the more money they will lose, in addition to being more emotionally damaged.  Listen to your gut.  Don't let a profile photo and a lot of romantic talk get the best of you.  If you need help knowing for sure, just come to us.  That's what we are here for.  You don't have to give up online dating or using social networking sites.  Just learn how to use those sites safely.

/cp

Happy New Year!

The holidays are past us for another season.  How did you all fare?  Many of our group members have been enjoying vacation trips of various lengths and at least one has been delayed in returning home due to weather.  Who would not want their vacation to continue awhile longer even if it is cold and snowy?  But we miss her and hope she is back home again soon. 

To say the very least, 2011 was a very interesting year for us.  We all face changes in our lives and in 2011 the changes for many of us have been big ones.  We've even had a wedding in the group!  We are always happy for good news and good changes.  

We all hope 2012 brings good changes for each and every one of you reading this.  

If anyone reading this is going through a rough time right now because of a romance scam, we hope you will find the courage and strength to reach out for help.  Each one of us knows how you feel and we know that you can make it even if you don't think so at this moment.  You don't have to go through this alone.

Email us and we will be more than happy to answer any questions you might have or just be there to listen.  You may also join our email group or visit our chat room.  We are here for you.

May 2012 bring you all the best.  Happy New Year!

cp 

A step forward!

We're very  excited at SOTH -- we ran our first ad on Facebook last night, and had many new visitors to the site.  Watching the numbers of people who actually clicked on the ad was exhilarating -- better than putting quarters in a slot machine!  The statistics say the ad reached more than 33,000 people, and 112 people actually clicked through.  The excitement is starting to build -- and we are gratified to be reaching new folks who've had their hope stolen and pocket books lightened by ghost scammers from far away places.

To those of you who are new to us, there is hope after being scammed.  You may not feel it now, but if you begin to open up to someone who has been down this road before, your burden will be lightened, and the shame will begin to lift.  The first step might very well be reaching out to us for help.  Come and chat with us at www.scamsoftheheart.org

/mw

"You Can't Save Them All"

Monday my daughter and I had Chinese food for supper.  My fortune cookie said, "If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe."  I don't really know if that applies to what happened yesterday or not, but yesterday I felt like a failure.  I am not in this to play it safe, either.  I am in this because I want to try to help people recover from the devastation of a romance scam, especially because so many people don't even understand what is going on, let alone understand how to reach out to a friend or loved one who has been hurt this way.

When I opened the email yesterday I somehow knew it was going to be bad news.  I didn't want to read it.  Back in June of this year, I had decided to take a few days off from the chat room and take some time for myself that I needed.  That never happened because I got an email that day too.  A woman (I will call her Madeline) had found me on the Romance Scams email group site and contacted me to see if I could help a friend of hers.  Madeline had given up and was seeing me (me???) as one last chance to reach out to this friend of hers and get her out of her relationship with a scammer.  I was not and never had been a moderator of that site.  I don't know why she chose me.  Shortly after Madeline's email I received an email from the friend telling me that she needed my help to know if this man was a scammer or not.  She had included in her email various pages from the email group site that had posts of mine.  Let's call her Claire. Claire and I emailed awhile and then we moved to Yahoo Messenger to make it easier to communicate.  She was desperate she said.  

Right away I emailed Mair, who was a moderator at the email group at that time.  I also contacted another moderator who was online at the same time and got her involved with helping Claire.  It was not long before I realized that Claire's story had a different touch to it than I had heard before.   This one involved an old boyfriend from 20 years prior and a very special ring.  The ring made the story very convincing.  Apparently, Claire had received a friend request from someone who appeared to be an ex boyfriend she had lived with 20 years ago.  He had found her on MySpace and wanted to know if they could chat.  He told her many things she said only this man would know.  His pictures on his profile she thought looked like he would look 20 years older.  After some time chatting he mailed her a ring he had given her 20 years ago while they were still together...a ring she had returned when she broke up with him.  So, no problem to this point.  

The problems came when she said he was asking her to send money, and she did send him some.  Eventually more of the story came out as Madeline kept me updated about how Claire was telling all her friends different things and lying because they were all telling her this was a scammer and she did not believe them.  It turned out that not only was Claire sending this man money, but she had become involved in reshipping merchandise for him.  She had several boxes of items to be shipped in her house at the time she contacted me.  By this time I had gotten Claire into the old chat room where many of us got together to support victims through all the emotional and financial issues they deal with.  Once the information about the reshipping came about, more of the moderators got involved including the one moderator that is the "legal expert" of the group.   Between the moderators, the chat room people, Mair, and I, we got Claire to a place of realizing how serious all of this was and how she could end up going to jail over what she was doing if she did not stop now that she knew it was illegal.  She really believed she was helping merchandise get to an orphanage in Ghana.

Let me backtrack just one moment here.  The first night after long chats and emails back and forth with Claire and my two moderator friends, Claire messaged me that she could not deal with it anymore and that she was sorry for what she was about to do, and she went offline.  Of course that message scared me and I told the moderators what was going on.  Claire had given me her phone number earlier so I immediately tried to call her with no answer.  Mair had her home address and she called 911.  I kept trying to get Claire to answer the phone and she finally did.  She was sobbing and sounded very distraught.   The next 2-3 hours were some of the most emotional hours I ever spent in my life as I talked to Claire about how suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem and how her life was worth so much more than all of this.  I listened as she talked to the police who came to the house in response to the 911 call.  After the police left I continued to let Claire tell me how she felt so horribly lost and confused and destroyed.  Everything she had gone through for this man who she loved, thinking he was her former lover, had even led her to selling her home because he had her convinced he was in Ghana and wanted her there with him.

To make this long story as short as I can from here on, over the next week I spent a lot of time trying to help Claire keep focused on the immediate things she needed to do to take care of herself instead of falling to the floor in a heap of depression.  She was also talking to Mair at times and also the other moderator I had put her in contact with.  The other moderator was assuring me that she was also talking to Claire on the phone from time to time as well as online.

Because of the reshipping, the other moderator and I encouraged Claire to contact Fraud Aid and to follow whatever instructions they gave her. From this point on, other than supportive contact in the chat room and on Yahoo Messenger, I left Claire to the more experienced people.  This was how we were instructed to deal with these situations.  "Let the mods handle it."  

A few weeks ago I noticed Claire was showing more activity on her Yahoo Messenger and decided to check in with her by phone.  What she told me shocked me by telling me that as it turned out it really was her old boyfriend and that he was there with her, but out running errands.  Claire said he was there to prove he was real, and was not going back to Ghana.  She said they were going to move to his home in another state.  I let the one moderator know what she had told me and neither one of us really believed her.  

Yesterday I got the email from Madeline telling me that Claire was back with the scammer and was in Ghana.  The scammer had tried to befriend her on Facebook, and was using a photo of Claire and him together as his profile photo.  Needless to say I was shocked!  More than that, I was distressed, concerned, scared for Claire, and angry that the scammer had done this to her.  Mind you, Claire had told me her ex boyfriend's name and shown me his photos.  This man she was with in Ghana is definitely not the same person.  Her ex boyfriend is an older white man, and this scammer is a black man who couldn't be more than 25 years old, if that.  I shared the news with Mair and a couple others who had spoken directly with Claire over the past couple of months trying to help her come to terms with the truth that this was never her ex boyfriend and was in truth a scammer.   We were all in pain hearing the news.  Today I emailed the moderator who was dealing directly with Claire to let her know.  Last night, I shared it with another moderator who is also a friend and was reminded, "You can't save them all."  As painful as it is, this is true.  We can only do what we can.  It's up to the victim to make that break to be free of the scammer's hold over them.

This past two months while I knew Claire, I've also had a few other difficult situations with victims of romance scammers.  It's been almost a year now since I, myself, was scammed.  It didn't hit me so hard.  I was one of the lucky ones.  But once I found out about this crime, and what it does to people, I had to at least try to do something to help.  That's why I am here.  That's why I am writing this now.  This was a learning experience for me, realizing that some of them don't want our help.  At least not yet.  But for those who do want our help, we are here, and ready to support them through their recovery from victim to survivor.  It's not an easy road to travel, but breaking free is the prize at the end of the journey through the grief.  

If you, or someone you know, is involved with a romance scammer, or you are just wondering if maybe you are, please visit our website, and the links given here at the side of this blog.  Get help.  It doesn't matter if you prefer an email group over live chat, or if you prefer live chat over an email group.  Find help wherever it is offered.  Help is out there.  Don't end up like Claire.  We don't know what is happening to Claire now.  We don't know if she will ever return alive.  We suspect she will be expected to help this scammer get his green card to the US, but we don't know what she may be going through right now.  It is not the bed of roses the scammers promise.  Please don't be fooled.  Take that step to freedom today!  CP