I've Never Been Scammed...but My
Friend Has: Understanding the Aftermath of a Friend's Scam
by Soraya Grant
Your friend has
something to tell you. For the past several months, he or she has
been chatting via Yahoo Messenger, text message, and phone
conversation with a woman or man. They met on a website. Your friend
believed they had found the love of their life, but recently realized
the other person was not who they claimed to be. Your friend is the
victim of a romance scam. As your friend goes through the process of
healing, you may notice some odd behaviors.
He or She May Want Revenge
You may find your
friend intensely angry, even if they were never the type to be
consumed by rage before. Avoid scolding the person, telling them to
calm down, or coaxing them to see things from the scammer's point of
view. This only sends the message that the victim has no right to be
upset.
At the same time,
encourage your friend to channel their anger in a safe way. The right
way to get revenge against a scammer is to educate yourself and
others about scams, their warning signs, and aftermath. Education
about scams will help people to recognize scammers right away and
avoid communicating with them at all. Every time you help someone
avoid engaging with a scammer, you ruin a scammer's attempt at
victimizing one more person. Taking away their targets is the only
thing that will truly hurt a scammer.
Never under
any circumstances should you encourage anyone to confront a
scammer directly. It doesn't matter if you've seen a television show
or special where a scammer was confronted and nobody was hurt. Click
over a few channels and you can also find about ten times as many
shows about people being kidnapped, assaulted, and killed by
individuals and gangs of people in their own country and abroad. If
the scam was run by a gang in Nigeria or another country in that
region, there is no way your friend even knows who they were talking
to at any one time, and would only be confronting a random group of
very dangerous criminals. Even if the scam was run by someone in your
friend's own country and they have a real name and a few real
details, they still have absolutely no idea what type of person they
were actually talking to, or who else was involved in the scam. Never
encourage anyone to confront a scammer directly either online or
offline.
Your Friend Might Behave as Though
the Online Persona is Real At Times
One minute your
friend is telling you about a scam. The next words out of their mouth
are something along the lines of "We were planning a trip to the
Grand Canyon this summer." or "I had my heart set on
decorating the entire house in white when we moved in together."
This is to be expected, especially early in the scam. Your friend has
been brainwashed into believing this created character was not only a
real person but the love of their life. It is going to take some time
to fully accept that this was just a character created and playacted
by someone who didn't care about them at all. You should start
noticing larger and larger gaps between the times your friend talks
about the scam as though it were real as time goes on.
Your friend may
also behave as anyone else would if their beloved boyfriend or
girlfriend died. This is probably a bit confusing to you. This was
just a character somebody created to trap them, so you would think
they'd react about the same way they would react to their favorite
television character turning evil and then dying. While it is true
that the characters created by scammers are no more real than the
ones you read about in books or see on television, there is one
important difference. You knew your favorite character was made up
from the start and did not interact with them as though they were a
real person. The scammer didn't just create a character and allow
your friend to watch it or read about it. That scammer or group of
scammers used brainwashing tactics to convince your friend this
character was a real person, and engaged in further emotional
manipulation to make your friend believe this person loved them. For
your friend, somebody they loved just ceased to exist.
They will likely
come to accept that this person never existed as they heal. In the
meantime, it is important to strike a balance in talking to them.
Don't play along and behave as though the fake person were real, but
don't snap at them to stop being ridiculous or scold them for not
moving on fast enough.
If your friend
says, "BoyfriendX and I were going to go to the Mall of America
for my birthday," a gentle "You mean the scammer wanted you
to believe you had a trip planned with BoyfriendX for your birthday"
is much more effective than either "Oh cool. What stores were
you planning to visit?" or "Knock it off. You know that
wasn't real."
There Could Be Some Changes in Your
Friend's Attitude about Flirting, Dating, etc.
Some people became
overly interested in the opposite sex right after a scam. They seem
to need to "prove" that their are real men or women out
there who will be attracted to them. Whether this is a good idea or a
bad idea depends entirely on your friend's temperament, personality,
situation, and specific behaviors. Treat this situation the way you
would treat your friend behaving this way for any other reason, just
remember there is a lot of pain driving it, and avoid adding to that
pain.
Others do not want
to have anything to do with attracting people, dating, or anything in
that area. These scam victims do not even want a happily married
opposite sex friend to tell them they always thought they were
attractive and should meet their spouse's single cousin sometime or
have a same sex friend tell them they wish they looked like them. If
it has anything to do with being attractive or dating, they just
don't want to be a part of it. Again, treat them the way you would
treat them if they lost their interest in men or women for any other
reason, keeping aware of the situation behind it.
Your Friend May Have Renewed
Interest in an Old Hobby or Topic
This is a sign of
healing. Scammers mentally and/or physically isolate their victims to
prevent them from talking about the "relationship" to a
person who might point out all the holes in their stories and red
flags in their behaviors. It is very likely your friend had to give
something up to devote all their time to online chats with this
person. It is also common for scammers to give their victims little
tests to gauge how willing the individual is to do what they say or
believe their words. It could be something as simple as telling them
they hate white tee shirts, just to see if the victim logs on to
cheerfully announce they donated all their white tee shirts to the
thrift store today or the scammer may have created a character who
loves golf, and delighted when the victim gave up gardening and took
up golf. They don't really care what the person wears or does for
fun, they just want to make sure they'll be willing to go with what
they say when it's time to ask them to reship a package or send items
or money. If your friend is taking back a style, hobby, interest, or
habit they gave up for the person they believed to be their boyfriend
or girlfriend, this is a sign that the scammer's hold is lessening.
They Might Want to Perform Some Type
of Ceremony to Say "Goodbye."
Your friend
wanting to say "goodbye" to the person they thought they
knew is something that may seem absolutely bizarre, but is another
sign of healing. Allow them to do what they need to do, within the
bounds of safety and reason. Some people need to have a traditional
"funeral" for the person they thought loved them. It is
okay to decline to participate in any kind of ceremony or religious
act that goes against your own spiritual beliefs, but avoid making
fun or or making light of your friend for doing this. He or she may
need it in order to let go.Others may need to simply take a day to
gather up the clothes they bought to wear on their first date, the
cell phone they bought to talk to the one who turned out to be
invented, and the stuffed animal they were sent and get rid of it
all. Help with this as much as you can and as much as the person
wants you to. Offer to go with them to pick out a new cell phone or
clothes, but don't take it personally if they refuse. They might need
to do this alone.
The Friend May "Need" to
Do Seemingly Trivial Things
As long as the
person is being safe and reasonable, this is a good sign. Your friend
could need to do a few things to reclaim control over their life.
Perhaps they need to take some of that time they spent chatting
online with the scammer back for themselves and have a few afternoons
hiking, golfing, gardening, playing tennis, or visiting the mall or
the spa instead of cleaning the house or meeting for coffee as they
normally would. One scammer arranged an elaborate first date with the
victim as part of the scam, leaving the place up to the victim to
make it seem real and keep the victim involved in planning a trip
that would never happen. The victim chose her favorite building in
her city. After the scam was discovered, the victim needed to visit
her favorite building just to show herself that it was just a pretty
building in her city, and that she still had the right to enjoy it
and make new, genuine memories there.
