Re-Scamming

by Soraya Grant

You have studied the Scams of the Heart squidoo page, main page, and blog, and know that you have been scammed. It was tempting to lash out at the scammer by listing all the red flags that lead to that realization, but you know all a scammer would do with that information is take notes in order to craft a better scam next time, so you wisely said nothing more than "I know this situation wasn't real and I don't wish to communicate with you anymore." You also know confronting a scammer directly is a dangerous idea, so you simply began deleting all their correspondence and blocking their accounts from yours.

 

But wait...you receive a message through one of the accounts you haven't gotten around to blocking yet. It may even be from a new account the scammer has created. You were expecting some nasty, angry threats, but this is startling. It's a confession and an apology.

Things have been going so horribly for you lately, you may be tempted to believe a miracle has occurred. The idea that your love and influence has broken through and reformed a scammer is a beautiful idea. Sadly, that is not what is going on here. The scammer is only trying to re-scam you.

Nigerian Scammers

What Happens:

The message is from a young person in Nigeria, Ghana, or another nation in west Africa or the former USSR. They admit that they were part of an organized scam ring, and confess that they only wanted to steal your money and/or trick you into receiving and reshipping illegal packages for them. The person apologizes, promises their contact with that ring has ended, and tells you that they grew to love you during the scam. They may say they fell in love with you, or they might tell you they grew to love you as a close or best friend. The person may promise they can get your money back. They hope you will forgive them and start a whole new friendship with the real person behind the now deleted character.

What Is Really Going On:

This is nothing more than another page in the scammer's script. It does not matter how sweet or sorry the scammer sounds, they do not mean it. It is likely they barely know what it says, and it is entirely possible that some person you haven't even spoken with before sent you that message.

If you accept this gesture of attraction or friendship, the person will eventually begin asking you for little favors again. They may want you to accept and reship packages again, "promising" that it is just souvenirs for a family member. The person might hint or ask for more money, this time for school supplies or other items for their real children or other family members. They may also ask you for information about romance scams groups, claiming they want to educate other scammers about the harm they are causing.

The scammer may be using somebody's real identity and personality now, but they are still running a scam. The packages will still be illegal. The money is still for their scamming business. Any cell phones or laptops you send will only be used to run new scams. The information they ask for is not to reform other scammers, but to help their own scam ring craft scams that are harder to detect.

What To Do:

Delete any messages, photos or other correspondence you get from this person and block any new accounts they create from your accounts, just as you did the first time. Ignore them completely. Do not give in to this, no matter what the person says. Do not argue with them or challenge them. This is just another play in the Nigerian scammer playbook.

 

American Money Scammers

What Happens:

The message is from the American or Americans who scammed you and convinced you to send or offer to send money or do favors for them. They admit they were not the person they pretended to be online, reveal several more real details, and apologize profusely for the scam. They may admit that they routinely run copycats of the Nigerian scam, or they might claim that all other scam victims you have talked to are lying and say they've never done anything like this before. Like the Nigerian scammer whose methods they've adopted, this person will tell you that your love reformed them. They might claim to have genuinely fallen in love with you while scamming you, or they might insist they grew to love you as a close friend during the course of the scam, think about you every day, and wonder how you are doing.

What Is Really Going On:

The American money scammer has studied the Nigerian scam well, and is borrowing their "Plan B" for when their scam gets discovered. They will eventually begin asking you for money, gifts, and favors again. It may be the same things as before, only with a "real" reason behind it. For example, a scammer who was hinting for money to enable him to travel to your first date might admit he's really a married man, but claim his wife is pregnant or sick or lost her job, and he needs your help as a friend to get by. It might be different requests, such as asking you for money before, but now needing you to accept packages and reship them to business clients while they are "on vacation." But they will want some form of money, gifts, or favors from you. Like the Nigerian scammer, they may want to know all about the ways you discovered it was a scam, and like the Nigerian scammer, they are not doing this because they admire your researching skills or want to tell anyone else who gets the idea to run a romance scam for money how horrible it is. They are looking for tips and tricks to make their scam harder for future victims to detect.

If you accept this gesture of love or friendship, you will only be scammed again in the future. You will also unwittingly help the scammers go after other people.

What To Do:

Delete any messages, photos or other correspondence you get from this person and block or ignore any new accounts they create from your accounts, just as you did the first time. Do not give in to this, no matter what the person says. Do not argue with them or challenge them. This is just another play in the American money scammer playbook. Notice that this paragraph is the same as the one above, with one word changed. That is because the scam is the same as the Nigerian scam, with one detail (where the scammers live) changed. It is dangerous to have any further contact with both Nigerian scammers and American money scammers.

American Revenge Scammers

What Happens:

The message is from the person who scammed you. The may claim they are deeply apologetic, or they may say "sorry" but tack on a flurry of excuses about having low self esteem, wanting to see what it's like to be someone else, or being afraid people would reject them if they knew the real person behind the scam. They swear they have stopped scamming people, and removed fake Facebook profiles, dating site accounts, etc to "prove" it. As with all other scammers, this person may claim they fell in love with you, or grew to love you as a close friend during the course of the scam.

What Is Really Going On:

This is a person who routinely lies to and manipulates other people online as a hobby the way most people play sports or read up on a favorite subject or garden. They are not sorry, and the shutting down of the fake account that you know about only means they have shut down that particular scam. This person may be playing the role of ten other people online and you would never know it. At this point, they are just hoping you will feel sorry enough for them to brush off what they did to you and avoid reporting them to the website or telling others in their online networks what they have been doing on there.

If you accept their offers of romance or friendship, you will be forever wondering if what they are telling you is true, or if it's just part of another scam. The person might even be using access to your photos or dialogue to run scams on other people.

What To Do:

Delete and block and ignore the person just as you would with any other scammer.

American Personal Revenge Scammers

What Happens:

The message is from the person who scammed you. They tell you who they really are and why they did what they did. Their tone may still be angry, but the person claims they have forgiven you and they are sorry for tricking you online. This type of scammer may not lay on the love and/or friendship talk, only because you already know who it is and what they think about you, though some scammers of this type claim they did it for your own good. They swear they will never do anything like that again, to you or anyone else. They might remove fake profiles or take the invented details or stolen photos out of their own profiles to "prove" their sincerity.

What Is Really Going On:

The scammer just doesn't want reported to the web site or to face any other consequences for what they did. No matter who you knew this person to be before, you have just learned that they are someone who would use brainwashing techniques just to get their own way in whatever situation inspired them to run a scam.

If you accept any excuses or take the blame for the situation, you are only telling that person that it is okay to handle disagreements or disappointments in a devious and cruel way.

What To Do:

Delete, block, and ignore this person everywhere they were ever able to get in touch with you, just as you would any other scammer.

Excuses Excuses: Allowing Yourself to See the Red Flags of a Scammer

by Soraya Grant

The "red flags" of a scammer are featured on almost every web site and television show devoted to stopping online romance scammers. We should all know them by now, and once a target fully accepts the fact that they were scammed, they are easy to pinpoint. Looking back, many scam victims realize they did indeed see these seven common red flags, but made numerous excuses for the person they thought they were talking to.

Red Flag 1: The person tells you he or she loves you within days, weeks, or a couple months of meeting you online.

Excuse: "When you know you've found the one, you just know."

Breaking Through: If you only know someone online, you don't know them well enough to know you love them and you certainly don't know anyone you only met a few weeks or months ago well enough to make that determination. Even if it could happen, keeping a relationship strictly online, pressuring for a commitment, and acting hurt if the object of affection resists is not the way anyone would treat a person they genuinely loved. If this were a real person truly interested in you, they would want to meet you in a safe, respectful, public offline environment to learn all those little things that you can't learn online. They would be willing to see if a relationship might develop naturally. Tell the person you absolutely will not make a commitment to anyone you haven't met offline several times. Anyone who keeps pouring on the love talk, acts insulted or hurt, or vanishes suddenly is a scammer.

Excuse 2: "Well maybe this person just has a crush on me and is a bit socially awkward."

Breaking Through: While it is possible to develop a crush on someone you only know online, telling that person you love them and want to build a life with them is simply not adult behavior. No real adult, no matter how socially awkward, would respond to a crush from an online community by making declarations of love and devotion. Anyone who tells you they are in love with you, devoted to you, etc is trying to manipulate you, not flirt with you. Tell the person you are flattered they have a crush on you, then add that you absolutely will not make any type of declaration of devotion or promises of love to anyone you do not know well and haven't spent time with offline. If the person keeps insisting its love, acts like you've hurt their feelings, makes excuses why they can't meet, or disappears, it is a scammer.

Red Flag 2: The boyfriend or girlfriend has some connection to Nigeria, Ghana, or other country with a high concentration of scammers

Excuse: "The whole nation or region can't be nothing but scammers. Maybe my boyfriend or girlfriend really does need to travel to this region for work."

Breaking Through: It has become common knowledge that any mention of one of these nations is a definite sign of a romance scam. The person just wants you to be willing to send money to that country. Call the office of a professional in your community or nearest city who works in the same field as your online love. Ask them how many times they, or the people in their corporation, have been to Nigeria, Ghana, etc to perform the type of work your online love describes. For example, if your boyfriend claims he is a construction worker traveling to Ghana to help build a certain type of building there, call some construction companies and ask how common this type of work is. You will find these types of projects don't exist. Don't be swayed if the person has sent you photos or web pages devoted to the alleged project. Do a little more online and phone research. You will find that these photos or web sites actually belong to a completely different company or organization.

Note: This only applies to the Nigerian scam. It is possible that you are being scammed by an American scammer. In this case, Nigeria or Ghana will not be mentioned, and all their professional and location details will "check out." This does not mean you don't have a scammer. It just means you don't have a Nigerian scammer. Everything else in this article still applies to you.

Red Flag 3: The person's life does not seem to match up with the life they describe.

Excuse: "Well, people are complex. Everything about a person doesn't fit into a neat character description. We like different things, get in moods, delve into topics, and deal with situations that come up."

Breaking Through: Yes, it is possible for a guy with high class tastes to also enjoy a raunchy comedy movie from time to time, and a very busy executive may have gotten a few days off, but if the person's overall pattern of living does not mesh with the situation they describe, you are talking to a scammer. It is not possible for a person to have children who never interrupt the conversation or need to be bathed, fed, or otherwise cared for. People are not highly confident one minute and suffering from low self esteem the next. They are not wealthy today and of modest financial means the following evening. Get a journal. You can use a new document on your computer if you cannot afford to buy a notebook or don't want one lying around. Write down all of these gut feelings and twinges. You don't have to tell anyone about them, and please do not tell the online romance. Just keep them for yourself, and read them over at the end of each day. You will begin to see a strange pattern. This is a picture of a scammer forming.

Red Flag 4: Your online boyfriend or girlfriend asks you for money or drops strong hints that he or she is broke or struggling financially. Health, travel, or family problems are the cause.

Excuse: "What's the big deal? Couples discuss finances. They also help each other out. Even good friends do that."

Breaking Through: Asking your boyfriend or girlfriend or any other individual for money...or hinting and waiting for an offer... is the least effective ways to deal with a crisis or need. A million things could go wrong. Somebody who really was in trouble in a foreign country would contact their nation's embassy or ask you to make the call. They wouldn't ask you to send cash. A person who really did need a laptop or cell phone for their child and could not afford it could speak to a company that offered a lifeline phone or an organization that donated computers to needy children. An American in financial distress can apply for several programs, both through the government and through non-profit organizations that would be much more likely to be able to meet his or her needs than a gift from a boyfriend or girlfriend. Tell the person that you never send any money to anyone in any circumstance, and offer to find and send them the necessary paperwork or contact information for an outside source to meet their stated need instead. For example, if your girlfriend repeatedly tells you she can't feed her small child, offer to find the WIC office in her area and send her the contact email and number. Anyone who comes up with excuses why they can't use the resource and insists that only your money will save them is a scammer.

Red Flag 5: Your online boyfriend or girlfriend sends you small gifts such as flowers, candy or chocolate covered fruit, gift cards to your favorite store, teddy bears, or small pieces of jewelry.

Excuse: "See? He isn't asking me for money. He's spending money on me. That proves he's real."

Breaking Through: That is precisely what this person or group of people want you to think. Getting little tangible items from the person makes them seem more real. These gifts also serve as a way for scammers to verify your address with the goal of asking you to receive and reship packages for them that will turn out to be full of illegal materials. Your presents were also paid for by money stolen from other victims. Refuse to accept anything sent to you from anyone you do not know well and know offline.

Red Flag 6: The person is sometimes coherent, even eloquent and sometimes appears to have difficulty following the conversation. They say "back" when they haven't told you they were leaving the computer, can't remember things the two of you discussed yesterday, or use repeated lines.

Excuse: "He is under a lot of stress. I am also not the only person in his life. He is probably talking to his mother or cousin or platonic friends via IM as well."

Breaking Through: No matter how stressed we are, we can still speak our first language. Difficulty with a language the person has stated was their native language or a language they are fluent in is a sure sign of a Nigerian or Ghanian scammer. Scammers from Nigeria and from the US or wherever your native country is will use repeated lines to buy time when too many victims are online at once and they need to pretend each person is the only one they are talking to. Saying "back" when they haven't left your chat, not knowing what the two of you were just talking about, or missing large chunks of your dialogue are not signs of stress. These are signs that the person is struggling to keep up with all the victims he or she is juggling, or that someone else has taken a turn at the keyboard. Real people will admit they are doing a lot of things online or talking to other people and they will tell you if a friend of theirs wants to use their account to say "hello." Ask the person flat out what they are doing and who else they are talking to. If they "hem and haw," act angry or insulted, blame computer problems, or suddenly have to go, they are talking to people they do not want you to know about.

Red Flag 7: They want you to keep the relationship completely secret, swear you won't tell anyone they asked you for favors or money, and/or want you to spend all of your time communicating with them and them alone.

Excuse: "It's romantic. My boyfriend or girlfriend is just a very private person. We love spending time together."

Breaking Through: Excessive secrecy, especially about money or favors, demanding you spend all your time talking to them, and behaving with extreme amounts of jealousy are nothing more than isolation and control tactics. The person you are talking to doesn't want you around because they love you, or even like you. They don't care about you at all. They just don't want anyone else around you to point out any of these red flags or talk you out of sending money or accepting and reshipping packages for them. Refuse to keep anything beyond personal confidences that you would keep for any friend secret. Always tell somebody about any online relationships you enter into. If you are socially isolated and have no close friends or family members, tell a therapist or social worker. Never obey someone who forbids you to communicate with your family, or tells you who you can and cannot be friends with or talk to, online or off. Even if this were coming from a real person, these are emotionally abusive behaviors and should never be tolerated from anyone.

Regret and Forgiveness

Why is it that these two words are the hardest to follow or accept? Know the old saying that hind sight  is 20/20, we look back and see all the things that we  either choose to forget or our subconscious mind did not allow us to see at the time. I have often wondered why this is, is the memory too painful for our minds to handle at the time or did we choose to ignore hoping it would get better or change?

Regret is something we all have.  We feel  sorry for our actions, something we said or something we didn’t say, something we did or didn’t do to someone that was hurtful or wrong, either knowing we did it or unintentionally. We mourn for something or somebody; feel sadness or sense of loss and longing. After knowing about being scammed, did I regret the things I did? Or was is it the things I didn’t see, the signs or should have known better? These questions I have asked myself over and over again. What could I have done differently? I thought I had done my research into online dating, thought I was prepared, thought I was smart enough, wise enough , this strong independent woman was prepared for this whole new dating world.   

 When I lost my mother, I regretted giving her a hard time, regretted not telling her that I loved her more, regretted that I didn’t help her more. With my scammer, could I have really made a difference in helping him more?  Could I have changed the way he lived and made our so called relationship work? Could I have changed the fact that I was scammed and lied to?  And after knowing he used me, my biggest regret was I believed he truly cared for me. I regretted that I put myself into a position that could have caused me a life of freedom, a life away from my family, my grandson’s and my life in general. 

My scam was a little different from most:  most gave their life long, hard earned money, some gave scammers money they stole from others.  We didn't know we were being deceived into giving money.  We did this not knowing that in our  lives it could have been used to fix our cars, our health, our homes or our retirement. Those are now our regrets we have; the scammers' only regret is they were exposed and now are cut off. We are humans we all will have regrets in life, it’s the path we have to walk on our journey, but it shouldn’t  consume us, we can’t bring back the what if’s, we have to go forward and a make the best of our now’s. And that leads me to forgiveness.

 I believe forgiveness is the hardest lesson of all. Letting go of the hurt caused to us, the grudges, the bitterness and the anger.  We say we forgive someone who has hurt us, but do we really? We try to live our lives honestly, with compassion. We try to treat others how we would like to be treated. But when we have been hurt and deeply, been lied to and used, how do we find forgiveness?  Mustering up genuine compassion for those who have wronged us, instead of allowing anger toward them to eat at us. Our pain is like open wounds and can leave lasting feelings of anger and vengeance and yet if don’t practice forgiveness who really pays the most dearly? I have found that forgiveness leads to hope, peace and joy, it can lead us in our healing.

To genuinely forgive someone, it’s a decision to let go of the resentment, the hurt feelings. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to minimize or justify what has happened to us, they are responsible for the hurt they caused you, you can forgive without excusing them. Forgiveness can lower your anxiety, stress and hostility, lessen your depression. I am not saying you have to forgive your scammer or ever forget, what I am saying is “Forgive yourself”.

If we cannot forgive ourselves, we pay the higher price by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship or new experience we have in life. We become so wrapped up in the wrong that we cannot enjoy the present, we become more depressed and anxious and feel life lacks meaning or purpose. Consider the value of forgiving yourself and the importance in your life. Move away from being the victim and release the control and power the scammer has had on your life.

So I have chosen to let go of the past, that is something I can no longer change. It is no longer an option to let the past dictate to me how I live my life. I will never forget, but it is now my choice to be free and happy and not hold grudges. Forgiveness may be the hardest thing ever to do but in the long run forgiving myself and not living in regret makes me a better person.

Verna