Some of Those Things That Make No Sense

by Soraya

You have just learned the relationship that captured your heart and soul was not a relationship, but a calculated scam. It is a confusing time, made all the more confusing by the strange things you feel compelled to do. Some of those things may feel wrong or harmful on the surface, but will be an important part of your healing from the pain of the scam. Others sound like they'll bring you comfort, but will only add to your own pain.

　


Two Things That Feel Harmful But Will Help
　


Joining a Group Designed for Scam Victims

When you first see the Scams of the Heart page, you may have a lot of questions, but you may also be reluctant to log into the chat or join the online board. "I don't want to sit around discussing the scam. It will just make me dwell on it," is a common thought. It is okay to feel this way, but SOTH (and any other reputable support group) will not force participants to do anything they find upsetting. You are welcome to join only to ask questions about scams. There is no obligation to attend regular sessions, befriend anyone you meet in the chat room, or perform any of the tasks you read about on this web page. Joining a group, whether it be for a day or two or becoming a regular chatter for several years, provides the opportunity to be open and honest about the scam in an environment populated by people who understand what you are going through.

　


Learning All You Can About Scams

After a scam, the last thing you may want to sit and read about or watch on television is scammers, but it is important to understand what happened to you. Educating yourself about scams and scammers teaches you that you are not alone, helps you to avoid scammers in the future, and provides you with knowledge you can use to help others as soon as you feel ready. Read through the older articles on this web site for some basic information. There are also a few books currently available about romance scams. The MTV television show Catfish is also a popular resource for romance scam information. Just remember that Catfish is a television show. They have a huge crew researching each situation before the hosts and guest arrive and the scammers know they are on camera in front of millions of people. It is never safe for anyone else to confront a scammer. Television shows, even reality shows, are filmed to make the situation look much more positive than it may be offscreen. The hosts are nice to the scammer because they have to be for the sake of their show, and it is in the scammer's own interest to talk about how sorry they are and how much they want to be friends with the victim for real. Nobody has any idea what happened once the camera crew left or how honest the scammer is being during the followup. That said, Catfish does illustrate many of the basic red flags and encourages healing from the scam.

　


　

Three Things That Feel Comforting At First But Will Only Cause More Harm

Plotting Revenge Against the Scammer

The only true way to get revenge against scammers is to cut off their supply of victims by educating yourself and others about scams and speaking up when you see a friend or relative in a potentially dangerous situation. Sending them a nasty letter explaining precisely how you found out the romance or friendship was a scam will only provide them with notes on how to run a better scam next time. Threatening them with legal action will not phase them. If the scammer is based in Nigeria or another foreign nation, they know that the laws of your country do not apply to them. Scammers from your own country have probably made sure to do things that are unethical, but not illegal, and know you can't call the police about anything they did. Sending a message that you or a friend is coming to beat them up should also be avoided. Scammers from across the world know you cannot come to their country, find them, and attack them. All they will do is send you a virus in an email to get you back for the nasty message. Scammers from the United States could save your threatening messages and get you in trouble for making the threats. Never confront, threaten, or vow revenge on a scammer. It will only wind up hurting you. If you must plot revenge, write out a scenario in your journal, or craft a fiction story about getting revenge on scammers.....but never attempt any of the behaviors you write about.

　


Clinging to the Good Memories and Mementos

You received a beautiful piece of jewelry from a man you thought you were dating, and now somebody in a scam group is telling you to take it to the thrift store and donate it. You also don't see the harm in keeping those photos of that hot man or woman the scammer sent you, and you like that television show you started watching because it "our show." You see no reason to delete all your digital copies of it. Here is the reason: keeping anything you started or acquired solely because of the relationship that turned out to be a scam will only keep you emotionally connected to the scam. It will make it even more difficult to fully accept that the scam was not a real relationship, and you have to accept this if you ever hope to get your life back on track. Get rid of anything; links to web pages, photos, messages, plush toys, vases from flower deliveries, jewelry, clothes, makeup/aftershave, decorations, songs, movies, and foods that you either received as a gift from the scammer, obtained at the scammer's urging, or got because you thought the person who turned out to be a scammer would like it. If it is something you liked before the scam but just got more interested in because of the scammer, set it aside or modify it to remove the parts that were added for the scammer. If you have always done yoga off and on, but the scammer encouraged you to set up a home practice and you got really into it, let the yoga go for a while, or switch to a class in your community. If you've always loved to read and the scammer talked you into switching from historical romance to true crime, don't stop reading....but do stop reading the books the scammer suggested and go back to your own true tastes in literature.


Being "Positive"

It seems to be a trend these days to "just be positive." We're told to just walk away from anything that doesn't feel great all the time, ditch people without notice, and transform our whole world just by thinking happy thoughts. Neither the world around us nor the human mind is that simple. You will not heal from the scam by pretending it never happened, ignoring all the emotional and financial distress it caused, or attempting to rewrite the situation into a "bad relationship" or a "friendship with a jerk." In order to heal from the scam, you are going to have to face what happened to you and admit that there was nothing good about that situation. This does not mean deciding that your life is over, thinking you're never going to be anything but a scam victim, locking yourself in your room with a pile of junk food, and refusing to get up out of your bed. It means taking an honest look at the scam, fully accepting that it was a scam, educating yourself about scams and scammers, and taking the steps necessary to heal on all levels. These activities will not always leave you brimming with perky thoughts. But they will help you return to a state of genuine contentment and peace.

The Red Flags Across the Different Types of Scams

By Soraya


Many people once believed that all scams came from Nigeria or a country in that region or from the former U.S.S.R. The television show "Catfish" features scams run entirely by Americans. Reality is right down the middle; most internet romance scams do originate in countries with large scammer rings, but there are plenty of Americans, and citizens of other nations, who are perfectly willing and able to scam people in their own, or a nearby country. All scams are basically the same: someone, either individually or in a group, pretends to be a different person online with the goal of tricking those they meet into believing they are in a romantic relationship with them for the scammer's own purposes. Most of the time the real goal is money, but scammers also work to trick people into doing illegal errands for them and for revenge. But while the same thing happens to the victims, the red flags may look slightly different for each type of scam.

#1: The online crush or friend says "I love you," says they feel a connection, or wants to be your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/fiancee after only knowing you for a few days, weeks, or a month or two online and over the phone.

When this happens, you can be almost a hundred per cent sure you are talking to a scammer. It looks virtually identical across all types of scams; someone you only know well enough to call a casual friend is telling you they are in love with you and want to be with you. The first time it happens to you, it feels like a miracle, or at least immensely flattering. Sadly, everyone who has ever been scammed has heard some version of it. It is nothing more than a line from the standard scammer script.


#2: Your online love mentions an upcoming or current trip to Nigeria, Ghana, Malaysia, or a country in the former U.S.S.R.

This is the one red flag that is completely unique to Nigerian scammers. The minute someone online mentions some type of travel to Nigeria or any other country known to have large organized scam rings, you can be sure you are being targeted for the Nigerian scam. It may seem strange that they would even admit to really being in Nigeria, but remember, Nigerian scams operate to make money, and Nigeria (or the country they talk about) is where they want you to send the money. That said, American, or other "domestic" scammers DO have a version of this. A scammer from your own country who is after money may give you his or her real name, and a few real details they know you could easily look up online under that name. Like the Nigerian scammer, this type of scammer wants to make it as easy as he or she can to get your money, and in the U.S., having you send them a personal check made out to the name on their account would be the easiest way to do that. Scammers from your own country who are just out for revenge may not display this red flag simply because they are not trying to get you to send them anything.


#3: The person drops hints that they could really use some money or is in need of an expensive item they can't afford, or asks you outright to send them money or gifts.

Nigerian scammers typically do this in the form of an elaborate story unfolding around difficulty getting home from a business trip to Nigeria, Ghana, etc. Scammers are always willing to tailor their stories to each victim, but claiming that the employer they came to Nigeria to work for is withholding their pay, or that there is some type of banking mixup is common. They will then ask you or hint they would like you to send them the money for a hotel for a few days, some food, and a ticket home to you. Another common storyline revolves around children, family, and health. In these scenarios, the scammer might hint or ask for money for medical bills, school expenses for their child, help in caring for an ill parent or grandparent, and money for food or other basic expenses for their house. The more money or gifts you send, the more tragedies befall the person, each with your money or purchase being the one thing that will save them. American money scammers may also weave elaborate tales, but they tend to be a bit more subtle in their hints. They will often complain about being broke or needing things right after talking about how much they love you, want to be with you, or can't wait to see you, or bring up the subject of their financial problems in the middle of talking about your first offline meeting. Regardless of the details of the story, at its core, the person will be telling you that they want to meet up with you and be with you offline, but some type of issue that could be solved by an expensive gift or some money is standing in the way. This is done to make the victim feel they owe it to the person and to their own future happiness to send the online love the things they need, including money. Note: This is the ONE red flag that will be absent if you are being scammed by someone in your own country for revenge. Their goal is not to get anything from you, but to cause emotional pain, so they will not ask or hint for things. They will, however, borrow a page from the Nigerian scam "playbook" and invent a series of tragedies to avoid meeting you offline.


#4: The person appears to have language difficulties. You pass it off as bad typing or social awkwardness, but you can't help noticing it.

Nigerian scammers often barely speak English. You will notice very poor grammar and grasp of the language, such as "i love yoos" or "i wish for us to be as one together" or "I want relationship but with someone like you because you are nice person." This is often interspersed with long, perfectly typed paragraphs that vary in tone. The well written words will have been copied and pasted from other web sites. Repeated lines are common. American and other domestic scammers will have no trouble speaking English, but they will rely on repeated lines and phrases. This is done to buy them time while they think of the next thing to say to reel their victims in. If the American scammer is after money or a general sense of revenge on people, they will be targeting multiple victims at once and may also need to pause with one target to focus on another.


#5: Your online partner does not appear to be living the life he or she describes.

This red flag often appears in a variety of forms, among all types of scammers. Nigerian/Ghanan scammers may make more glaring errors than American scammers. They might seem confused when you mention a famous landmark or not realize the President was on television last night the morning after a state of the union address, despite claiming to be from the United States and interested in politics. Nigerian scammers always use stolen photos, and they sometimes make errors in their selections. They might send you a photo they claim is "me and my sister on our trip to New York last year" that seems real until you notice the Canadian flag on the pole in the background.
American scammers will typically know better than to make these types of mistakes, but they will often give other clues that they are living a different life than the one they describe, such as claiming they are at work in a law office every evening, but always knowing the details of what was on television and seeming very well rested for a person who was working so late or claiming to be a psychologist but having no insight into mental health questions beyond what you could have gotten yourself by reading articles online. Scammers of all types often use fake versions of their real children, or completely invented children, as an excuse to seek money, and as a way to manipulate their targets' emotions further. You might notice that children they claim to be raising alone never or almost never interrupt the chat or phone call, or that a child who is supposedly too sick to get out of bed much is running around in the background all the time.


#6: The person reminds you a lot of yourself and/ or of someone you have mentioned in emails, chat, or on your web site profile.

Regardless of where they operate from or what their true goal is, scammers are going to try to brainwash you into believing you have found your ideal match. This one can be difficult to see, because we always look for people who are a good match for us as both partners and friends. Most of us wouldn't keep up a friendship with someone we couldn't relate to in any way. But it becomes a red flag when the match is a little too perfect, or when it appears to be based entirely on details they could easily gleen from the web site where you met and your pages they can see. You talk about having an innocent crush on a married friend who is the opposite political party from you and loves Italian food and knowing another attractive man or woman who is from Seattle and used to be in a band, and your new online friend wants to engage in friendly banter about politics, says your first date is going to be at the Olive Garden, and wants to have long discussions about 90's grunge rock. You met them on Facebook and when they describe their ideal home and it sounds exactly like the one you have on your connected Pinterest page. You talk about wishing you had a large amount of money because you love travel and designer clothing, and they have a sister who works at Barney's and know how to get the best deals on luxury hotels. This will play out in a similar manner across the different types of scams. Any time you find yourself amazed at a similarity or charmed by a detail, step back and ask yourself "Is this something they could have learned I like from our chats, our emails, my profile, my Facebook or Pinterest page, or my dialogue in the main room of a chatroom?" If your answer is "yes" or "probably" then it is a red flag.


#7: Your online boyfriend or girlfriend seems to want to isolate you and/or keep you occupied.

Isolating a partner and keeping the person entirely focused on doing what the other person wants is a form of emotional abuse. Even if none of the other red flags are present, if you have begun dating someone, online or off, who demands that you spend all your time doing their chores or errands, tells you who you can and cannot be friends with or talk to (or throws a fit/pretends to be distraught in order to control your behavior), and monitors and spies on you, you have met an abuser and need to get away from this person as quickly as possible. If you see other red flags along with this one, then you are dealing with a scammer who is trying to isolate you and keep you occupied as a way to prevent the scam from being discovered and test your compliance to future demands. This is another red flag that will look pretty much the same across the different types of scams. The scammer does this to keep your mind focused on them and occupied so that you do not discuss the red flags with others or have time to sit and think about the situation and notice the red flags for yourself. Whether the scammer is from a Nigerian or other foreign scam ring, an American or resident of your country who decided to copycat the Nigerian scam, or an American scammer out for revenge, they do not want to be discovered as a scammer. They do want to make sure you will believe what they say and do as they wish. Scammers may persuade you to research jobs in their real or invented hometown, get you involved in reading or researching something for the two of you to discuss, lead you to plan a wedding, choose and design a home for the "two of you" to live in, or look into educational programs online so you can have a new career.

When You Find Yourself Missing The One You Thought You Loved

by Soraya

Missing the person you thought you were talking to is one of the most upsetting features of the aftermath of a scam, but there are ways to cope with these feelings.

Never Start Talking to the People Behind the Account or Screen Name Again

Many scam victims feel the urge to look the scammer's account up again after they have blocked and deleted them. Some victims reason that the scammer might be sorry for what they did, and willing to be friends. Others fear they might have hurt the scammer's feelings and want to exchange apologies in the hope that the two of them will politely drift apart. A few people think they might be able to reform the scammers if they offer friendship or try to help them get what they need without scamming. None of these things have ever happened. Scammers are fully aware of what they are doing and the impact it has on their victims; if it made them feel bad, they wouldn't be doing it. Nigerian and other scammers that operate in large, organized rings see what they are doing as a business. Americans who copycat them are working this as a side job to catch up on expenses or have a little extra money for themselves. Revenge scammers get a thrill out of hurting people. None of these are going to sit around contemplating what they've done to you and wish the two of you could be friends. Nobody hurts the scammer's feelings by cutting them off because scammers do not have genuine feelings for their victims. Money scammers are only sorry to see a source or potential source dry up. Revenge scammers are sad that what they see as their game or project is over. They don't miss the people they hurt. Don't be fooled into thinking the scammer might fall in love with you or grow to love you as a friend and mend their ways. This makes a charming ending for several episodes of "Catfish," but the scammers on the show are fully aware that their answers and claims are going to be on the show. It doesn't mean they are telling the truth about how they now think and behave. "Your love (or friendship) reformed me" is a common line scammers throw out as a method of luring their victims back in for another scam. Anytime you are temtped to give the scammers "a chance" to reform and be your friend, remember that scammers count on this very urge to lure their victims back in to the scam.

Think of the Person You Thought You Knew As You Would a Character from a Novel, Television Show, or Movie

The person you thought you loved was not real, and is never going to be real. They were a character created and portrayed by the scammer or scammers. It doesn't matter if you were scammed by an American who used their real name and a few real details about their lives. American scammers often work alone or in pairs or very small groups. Using a real name saves them the trouble of having to remember fake names and/or explain why they can't take a check made out to a certain name. Once you examine the additional real details, you will realize that those details had to be used because the scam would be discovered if they were faked. The person's life stories that cannot be traced, their personality, their values, and their reason for being in the online environment are still completely invented. The same holds true if the scammer didn't lie about being in Nigeria or Ghana. The only reason they told you they were in one of those countries is because that's where they want the money or illegal shipments sent. Absolutely everything else they told you was made up. Once you begin to see the person you were talking to as the fictional character they were, it will be a bit easier to emotionally untangle yourself from them. You may still have periods of wishing they were real, but you will eventually be able to stop believing they were real, and missing them.

This is not as easy as writing about it is making it sound. You may have to literally stop and remind yourself that the person is not real out loud for a while. Find a private moment whereever you are, and do this for yourself. Go into the bathroom if you have to, lock the door, turn the water on, and say "The person I knew as John A is not real. He was a character played by members of a group of young men in Nigeria" or "The John A I knew was not real. He was playing a fictional character he based on himself to make scamming women online easier for him and whatever friends he had involved." You will feel weird at first, but keep doing it. Eventually the thought will pop into your head any time you begin to miss the person you thought you knew and loved.

Have a Few Little Distractions Ready

Memories and ideas sometimes come flooding back unbidden. You have resisted the urge to talk to the scammer account again, reminding yourself that nobody using it wants anything to do with you as a person. The reminder about the person being a fictional character has been recited several times. Yet you remain stuck on the image of that little bed and breakfast the two of you talked about visiting for your first weekend away and that academic program the scammer was urging you to spend your time researching doesn't look so bad. Maybe they had a point and you should enroll in classes there.

Interrupt this process with one of your distractions. Make a list of little things you can do that are as unrelated to the scam as possible in each situation you might find yourself in. If you never discussed cleaning the employee bathroom, catching up on your filing, or responding to press inquiries at work with the scammer, those tasks might be on your list under "At Work." If you are at home, your list might include watching an episode of a television show you enjoyed before or after the scam, reading a brand new magazine, or picking up a new type of coffee or juice drink at the grocery store and enjoying a cup at the kitchen table or on the porch. Games, Pinterest boards, and web searches can also serve as quick distractions. Just make sure you don't select or zone in on something you associate with the scammer. This may feel like being lazy or doing "busywork," but it serves the purpose of making your mind focus on something that isn't likely to immediately circle back to the scammer and how much you wish you could talk to the character they played. As time passes, you will find yourself needing these little distractions less and less.

Avoid Putting Too Much Trust in New People Online or Offline

Sometimes the distraction we choose is a new bar, new bookstore, or new dating site or chatroom. Our members are adults and are allowed to spend their time wherever they choose. Wherever you go, do everything you can to keep yourself safe there. Keep the warning signs of a scammer in mind as you chat with new people online, and give yourself time to get to know new people online and offline before placing all your trust in them. There is always time to have the deep conversations you used to feel like you were having with the scammer.

Chat with Us

The Scams of the Heart chat room is a great place to come and talk to people who understand what you are going through. The topic immediately switches to "scams and scammers" when someone needs to talk about something related to their scam, but if everyone in the room wants to talk about other things, hanging out is more than welcome. Sometimes the reason the scammer's fictional persona is so deeply missed is because they are the only "person" the victim has been talking to for months or even a year or more. In these situations, simply having someone else to talk to can help ease the feelings of missing the person you thought you loved.

Five Common Misconceptions About Talking to Scammers

by Soraya Grant

 

Misconception 1: "I was able to verify that my online friend has nothing to do with Nigeria or any other country with a lot of organized scam rings. I went on the web site of the place they told me they worked, found a contact number, and called and talked to them there unexpectedly. That means this person is not a scammer."

Reality: Scams of the Heart has at least one member who was scammed after doing this very thing. It turned out to be an American, and possibly some friends of his, running a copycat of the Nigerian scam. Checking email headers and cutting off all contact if the messages are found to be coming from Nigeria, Ghana, or another country with a lot of organized scam rings is an important first step, as most scams are run by these rings. But remember that "most" does not mean the same thing as "all."

Misconception 2: "My online friend hasn't said anything about money, shipping, gifts, or banking. They didn't even hint around about it, so this is definitely not a scam."

Reality: While the vast majority of online romance scams are designed for financial gain and/or to trick someone else into taking the fall for illegal activity, there are scammers who run scams simply to hurt people. The MTV television show Catfish features many scammers who designed and implemented an online romance scam in order to get a general sense of revenge on the world, or to punish an individual they knew for doing something the scammer didn't like. A scam occurs any time a person or group of people goes online as a fake person, including a fake version of themselves, and then uses that created persona to manipulate anyone else into a false relationship with them.

Misconception 3: "People are making a big deal out of nothing. Everybody meets jerks online. If I meet a scammer I'll just quit talking to them."

Reality: Being scammed goes far beyond "meeting a jerk." We aren't talking about people who do things like set up online health support pages on Facebook just to form a little clique and get mean with people they don't find interesting, or pretend they want to make a friend and then start talking about explicit things out of the blue, or who start out nice and then start picking random fights. We are talking about people who use carefully planned brainwashing methods to manipulate others for their own personal gain. That goes a bit beyond your ordinary online "jerk" or "troll." It is possible to just quit talking to someone who you realize is a scammer right away, or very early in what you believe to be the relationship, but once you have been lead to believe that this is a person who loves you and who you love in return, it is not going to be so easy to just let it go. Scammers do a great deal of emotional and psychological damage.

Misconception 4: "I am seeing a lot of red flags for an online romance scam, but the situation could be real this time."

Reality: If you are seeing a lot of signs of a scam, then it's a scam. Pretend you hired me to housesit this Saturday afternoon through Sunday afternoon. I promised you that I would keep the house empty and calm, and spend the time reading and watching TV, only talking to friends via my cell phone and personal laptop. When I arrive to set myself up in your guest room, you notice that in addition to a change of clothes and my hygiene items, I have also brought a cocktail dress, heels, and makeup. When you look in the grocery bags I brought "so I wouldn't eat up all your food" you find an assortment of drinks, several bags of chips, and a flyer with a special price on large orders from the local pizza place. Would you assume that I am the one housesitter who eats several times more than the average person during a weekend and likes to get dressed up to sit and watch movies alone? Or would you see all the signs of someone about to have a party in your house, and tell me you won't be needing me after all before I trash your place? Apply this same logic to your online contact's behavior. Scammers count on their targets refusing to accept the red flags that indicate a scam.

Misconception 5: "I'm not worried. If anyone scams me, I will go after them. They do it on Catfish all the time"

Reality: Catfish does a great service. It brings romance scams to the public's attention. Most of what the show teaches is a good way to handle online relationships; look for red flags, ask a lot of questions, research the person and any places they claim a connection to, refuse to make any promises before you know the person well. However, there are two features of the show Catfish that make great reality tv, but do not reflect the true reality of most scams.

The first is that they treat the scammer as though they are just socially awkward or struggling with mental health issues and need some help to function in the world. When you see a scammer respond positively to this type of treatment on the show, remember that this person knows they are on camera in front of millions of people during the confrontation and the followup. Anyone would say they have health problems, quit scamming people, took down their fake profile, and are working on getting help and improving their lives in that situation. Nobody watching that show knows what this individual is doing when they're not on a video chat with Nev and Max. They could have taken down the fake profile they got caught with and made fifteen more.

The second feature of Catfish that is not reflective of the reality of scammers is the confrontation. It is never safe to go to anyone's house when meeting them offline for the first time, and it is mever safe to confront someone you have realized is a scammer. The show may make it look like Max, Nev, and the client just show up while you watch, but the show is researched, filmed, and edited ahead of time by a very large crew. They are not truly walking into an unknown situation alone or in a small group as you or you and your friends or family members would be doing. If you are not seeing the warning signs of a scammer, arrange the first several meetings in a public place, and stay in public with the person. If you are seeing the warning signs of a scammer, do not confront them online or offline. Cut off all contact immediately.

American Romance Scams

American Romance Scams

by Soraya Grant

Most romance scams are carried out by organized gangs of criminals located in Nigeria, Ghana, or other west African nations. Countries of the former Soviet Union are also common locations for rings of foreign scammers. Some who study or fight against romance scams believe that these are the only types of romance scams that exist, but reality shows such as "Catfish" and the "Tall Hot Blonde" case reveal that many romance scams are carried out by Americans.

Most of the details of an American romance scam are identical to those of a foreign romance scam. The scammer will start with a base character, then use details you reveal on an online dating profile, social networking page, forum, or chat room to tailor that character to you. They will claim to fall in love with you very quickly and without ever meeting you offline. Once they believe they have you hooked, they will string you along, pretending to be in a relationship with you, but generating excuses when you ask them to meet you in person. You may notice that the details of their life seems inconsistent with their online and phone behavior. For example, they may claim they are a police officer on night shift, yet never be too tired to chat during the day when a real officer on nights would be asleep, or talk about having a teenage son but act confused or vague when you mention coping with your own teen's parent-teacher meetings, fads, or daily schedule. Repeated lines are also common, as the scammer may be talking to several people at once while pretending to only talk to one person. Stolen photos and/or invented descriptions are commonly used. It is also not uncommon for more than one person to be involved in the scam. The American scammer may have some friends or relatives who were in on the scam from the start, or they may talk someone else in to pretending to be them on the phone to cover up the fact that their gender, accent, or age is different from the character they are playing in order to run their scam.

Like the Nigerian scammers, American scammers will invent health problems, travel difficulties, family problems, and financial difficulties as reasons to avoid meeting and/or persuade you to send them gifts or money or do favors for them.. As with the Nigerian scam, if you accept and reship packages of illegal materials, take phone calls or answer emails that turn out to be related to drug deals, or deposit money in an account for someone who is engaged in illegal activity, you may still be charged and convicted of a crime. It is also impossible to get back any money you sent to someone in America because they talked you into giving it to them. Attempting to confront an American romance scammer is just as dangerous as attempting to confront a foreign romance scammer.

Despite these similarities, there are a few details of an American romance scam that may be different from one based overseas.

More Real Details May Be Used

The only detail of a Nigerian scam that isn't invented is the point when the victim is told their "love" is in Nigeria or Ghana. American scammers may mix in some more small pieces of reality. They might use their real name, details from online articles that mention them, such as a former spouse's obituary or a child's engagement announcement, or reveal their real workplace. This does not mean the person you talk to or the relationship is real. It just means it's easier for the scammers that way. It saves them the trouble of making up a story about why they can't take a personal check made out to their name when they take your money. American scammers may also not be as experienced as Nigerian scammers, and it could be easier for them to play characters based on themselves. Using a real name, and some real details from their life is also a manipulation tactic. They plant these details knowing you will research them online, see that what they are telling you "checks out," and trust them. Anyone who discovers they have been scammed by an American using his or her real name must remember not to mention the scammer's full real name anywhere online or if quoted as a source for an article about romance scams. Nobody is trying to coddle or protect the scammer.. This is done to make sure the scammer cannot sue the web site, victim, or publication for slander or libel.

The "Poor Grammar" Red Flag Does Not Apply

This is one red flag that is unique to the Nigerian or other foreign scams. The person you are actually talking to may speak very little English and will often cut and paste dialogue from different web pages or muddle through the conversation with incorrect English, using the excuse that they can't type well or have a sticky keyboard to explain it away if challenged. American scammers ' dialogue and notes may be as flawlessly written as those from the real people you talk to online. The absence of muddled English, often called "scammer grammar" does not mean you are not being scammed. It merely means you are being scammed by someone who speaks fluent English.

Requests for Money Are Often More Subtle

American scammers don't have the "I'm trapped in Ghana" story with all the made up taxes, fees, currency issues, and other completely invented reasons they need you to send your money right now. Their stories often take place entirely in America, and they know their victims will be aware of other ways to deal with the situation they describe. For example, if a scammer tells his victim he just lost his job, traveled to a strange city to interview for a new one, learned the job was a hoax, and is now stranded all weekend without the hotel room and food money the company promised, the victim will know he could go to a soup kitchen, food bank, church, or other local service organization for help. Some American scammers do boldly ask for money, but others drop increasingly strong hints until the victim offers them the money. One member of "Scams of the Heart" had an American scammer who planned an elaborate first date that would require him to travel and then began regaling her with tales of medical problems for him and his family, complained of being in a low paying job, and talked at length about struggling and being under stress until the victim offered to send money for his travel and for some of his bills to enable them to be together. The scam was nothing more than a subtle, Americanized twist on the classic Nigerian "I can't get to you without your money" scam.

The Scam Might Not be a Money Scam

Some American scams are copycat Nigerian scams, but other American scammers' goals are not financial. Many American scammers act out of a desire for revenge. They may be angry over some experiences from their past and get a kick out of messing with people the way people have messed with them. A man who has been rejected by a lot of women might create a male character, scam women, and feel he has gotten back at the female population in general when he emotionally manipulates and deceives a woman online. Some Americans set out to scam people they know as a form of punishment for something the person has done to them. This does not make the situation any less of a scam. It just removes the "asks or hints for money" warning sign.

The Victim May Not be as Readily Believed

Scams of the Heart welcomes and cares for victims of all types of romance scams. If somebody pretended to be a completely fake person or invented a fake version of him or herself, used that character to manipulate you into thinking you had a boyfriend or girlfriend, and then used you to unknowingly perform illegal activity, conned you into sending them money, or humiliated you for revenge, you will find hope here. This is not true of all groups of people, whether they meet online or offline. Some people might brush your scammer off as an ordinary everyday jerk and chime in with their own "bad relationship" or "crush who turned out to be a loser" story. In some cases the person means no harm. They honestly don't understand that a scammer, no matter where they live, is different than a bad date or bad relationship or marriage. Direct them to this web site to learn more about scamming, and answer their questions as honestly as you can. In other instances, the person you are trying to tell the story to is flat out being a jerk. Avoid fighting with these people. If you have just discovered you've been scammed, you do not need any more stress. It is far better to just bow out of the group or conversation and find genuine support. (If you're reading this, you found it).

It May be Harder for the Victim to Accept that It's a Scam

The more reality the scammer mixes in with their fiction, the more it can seem like you were in a real relationship with an actual human being. It may be a struggle to fully accept it that you never did have a girlfriend named "Jane Doe38" when you're looking at the web page of a real business that does indeed list a "Jane Doe38" as manager. It is probably hard not to look back and wonder how her brother is doing when you read a graduation announcement for a real kid in their local paper online, even if you have come to realize that kid never had the health problems his sister detailed in order to get your money. Whenever you are tempted to think a selection of real details makes a situation real, think of historical fiction. TC Boyle is particularly skilled at taking real historical figures or events and using them in his novels. Both Harvey Kellog and Alfred Kinsey have appeared as characters in his work. However, neither man was ever in any of the exact situations Boyle describes, they never said the words he uses as their dialogue, and most of the other people they interact with were invented by the author. Boyle's work is still fiction. The same holds true for your scam. Mixing a few real details into a scam is like sprinkling bakery sprinkles on a ceramic cupcake. It may have a few pieces of a real dessert, but it is still not a real dessert.