Re-Scamming

by Soraya Grant

You have studied the Scams of the Heart squidoo page, main page, and blog, and know that you have been scammed. It was tempting to lash out at the scammer by listing all the red flags that lead to that realization, but you know all a scammer would do with that information is take notes in order to craft a better scam next time, so you wisely said nothing more than "I know this situation wasn't real and I don't wish to communicate with you anymore." You also know confronting a scammer directly is a dangerous idea, so you simply began deleting all their correspondence and blocking their accounts from yours.

 

But wait...you receive a message through one of the accounts you haven't gotten around to blocking yet. It may even be from a new account the scammer has created. You were expecting some nasty, angry threats, but this is startling. It's a confession and an apology.

Things have been going so horribly for you lately, you may be tempted to believe a miracle has occurred. The idea that your love and influence has broken through and reformed a scammer is a beautiful idea. Sadly, that is not what is going on here. The scammer is only trying to re-scam you.

Nigerian Scammers

What Happens:

The message is from a young person in Nigeria, Ghana, or another nation in west Africa or the former USSR. They admit that they were part of an organized scam ring, and confess that they only wanted to steal your money and/or trick you into receiving and reshipping illegal packages for them. The person apologizes, promises their contact with that ring has ended, and tells you that they grew to love you during the scam. They may say they fell in love with you, or they might tell you they grew to love you as a close or best friend. The person may promise they can get your money back. They hope you will forgive them and start a whole new friendship with the real person behind the now deleted character.

What Is Really Going On:

This is nothing more than another page in the scammer's script. It does not matter how sweet or sorry the scammer sounds, they do not mean it. It is likely they barely know what it says, and it is entirely possible that some person you haven't even spoken with before sent you that message.

If you accept this gesture of attraction or friendship, the person will eventually begin asking you for little favors again. They may want you to accept and reship packages again, "promising" that it is just souvenirs for a family member. The person might hint or ask for more money, this time for school supplies or other items for their real children or other family members. They may also ask you for information about romance scams groups, claiming they want to educate other scammers about the harm they are causing.

The scammer may be using somebody's real identity and personality now, but they are still running a scam. The packages will still be illegal. The money is still for their scamming business. Any cell phones or laptops you send will only be used to run new scams. The information they ask for is not to reform other scammers, but to help their own scam ring craft scams that are harder to detect.

What To Do:

Delete any messages, photos or other correspondence you get from this person and block any new accounts they create from your accounts, just as you did the first time. Ignore them completely. Do not give in to this, no matter what the person says. Do not argue with them or challenge them. This is just another play in the Nigerian scammer playbook.

 

American Money Scammers

What Happens:

The message is from the American or Americans who scammed you and convinced you to send or offer to send money or do favors for them. They admit they were not the person they pretended to be online, reveal several more real details, and apologize profusely for the scam. They may admit that they routinely run copycats of the Nigerian scam, or they might claim that all other scam victims you have talked to are lying and say they've never done anything like this before. Like the Nigerian scammer whose methods they've adopted, this person will tell you that your love reformed them. They might claim to have genuinely fallen in love with you while scamming you, or they might insist they grew to love you as a close friend during the course of the scam, think about you every day, and wonder how you are doing.

What Is Really Going On:

The American money scammer has studied the Nigerian scam well, and is borrowing their "Plan B" for when their scam gets discovered. They will eventually begin asking you for money, gifts, and favors again. It may be the same things as before, only with a "real" reason behind it. For example, a scammer who was hinting for money to enable him to travel to your first date might admit he's really a married man, but claim his wife is pregnant or sick or lost her job, and he needs your help as a friend to get by. It might be different requests, such as asking you for money before, but now needing you to accept packages and reship them to business clients while they are "on vacation." But they will want some form of money, gifts, or favors from you. Like the Nigerian scammer, they may want to know all about the ways you discovered it was a scam, and like the Nigerian scammer, they are not doing this because they admire your researching skills or want to tell anyone else who gets the idea to run a romance scam for money how horrible it is. They are looking for tips and tricks to make their scam harder for future victims to detect.

If you accept this gesture of love or friendship, you will only be scammed again in the future. You will also unwittingly help the scammers go after other people.

What To Do:

Delete any messages, photos or other correspondence you get from this person and block or ignore any new accounts they create from your accounts, just as you did the first time. Do not give in to this, no matter what the person says. Do not argue with them or challenge them. This is just another play in the American money scammer playbook. Notice that this paragraph is the same as the one above, with one word changed. That is because the scam is the same as the Nigerian scam, with one detail (where the scammers live) changed. It is dangerous to have any further contact with both Nigerian scammers and American money scammers.

American Revenge Scammers

What Happens:

The message is from the person who scammed you. The may claim they are deeply apologetic, or they may say "sorry" but tack on a flurry of excuses about having low self esteem, wanting to see what it's like to be someone else, or being afraid people would reject them if they knew the real person behind the scam. They swear they have stopped scamming people, and removed fake Facebook profiles, dating site accounts, etc to "prove" it. As with all other scammers, this person may claim they fell in love with you, or grew to love you as a close friend during the course of the scam.

What Is Really Going On:

This is a person who routinely lies to and manipulates other people online as a hobby the way most people play sports or read up on a favorite subject or garden. They are not sorry, and the shutting down of the fake account that you know about only means they have shut down that particular scam. This person may be playing the role of ten other people online and you would never know it. At this point, they are just hoping you will feel sorry enough for them to brush off what they did to you and avoid reporting them to the website or telling others in their online networks what they have been doing on there.

If you accept their offers of romance or friendship, you will be forever wondering if what they are telling you is true, or if it's just part of another scam. The person might even be using access to your photos or dialogue to run scams on other people.

What To Do:

Delete and block and ignore the person just as you would with any other scammer.

American Personal Revenge Scammers

What Happens:

The message is from the person who scammed you. They tell you who they really are and why they did what they did. Their tone may still be angry, but the person claims they have forgiven you and they are sorry for tricking you online. This type of scammer may not lay on the love and/or friendship talk, only because you already know who it is and what they think about you, though some scammers of this type claim they did it for your own good. They swear they will never do anything like that again, to you or anyone else. They might remove fake profiles or take the invented details or stolen photos out of their own profiles to "prove" their sincerity.

What Is Really Going On:

The scammer just doesn't want reported to the web site or to face any other consequences for what they did. No matter who you knew this person to be before, you have just learned that they are someone who would use brainwashing techniques just to get their own way in whatever situation inspired them to run a scam.

If you accept any excuses or take the blame for the situation, you are only telling that person that it is okay to handle disagreements or disappointments in a devious and cruel way.

What To Do:

Delete, block, and ignore this person everywhere they were ever able to get in touch with you, just as you would any other scammer.

Cybersex During a Scam

By Soraya Grant

The following article contains adult subject matter and is intended for our readers aged 18 and older.

Cybersex, also called "sexting" can include trading explicit written descriptions of sexual acts you would like to perform with the other person via text message, chat room conversation, IM, or email, sending or accepting nude or revealing photos or videos of the other person, or stripping and engaging in intimate acts via a webcam.

Many people engage in some or all of these acts during the course of their scam, and memories of these acts are often a source of embarrassment, worry, shame, and guilt. These feelings are often difficult to cope with, because they are so difficult to talk about, or even to think about or write out in your journal. Regardless of the amount of detail you decide to reveal to others or ponder in private, there are some things to keep in mind.

You Did Not Have Cybersex or "Sext" with Anyone

In order to have any type of sex, everyone involved in the sexual act must consent to the activity. If an individual did not consent, that person didn't have sex, that person was the victim of sexual assault. Unfortunately, unless you have absolute proof that the scammer was an adult and the victim was underage, a scammer cannot be prosecuted for online sexual coercion. But if you engaged in any type of online sexual activity with the scammer, what happened to you was not the online version of sex. It was the online version of sexual assault. During the acts, you believed you were engaging in sexual activity with the character the scammer created. In reality, someone else was sitting behind that computer screen. You never consented to any form of sexual activity with that person.

Consider the offline version of the scammer's behavior:

Suppose you are at a fairly wild weekend party, at which it is known that people slip off to private areas of the building to hook up. There is someone at the party you want to have sex with. At some point in the evening, you feel a bit worn down, and decide to use one of these areas to hide out by yourself for a bit. Someone else enters the room without turning on the light and initiates sexual activity. You believe it to be the man or woman you want to have sex with and the acts occur. You wake alone the next morning and overhear an entirely different person bragging about how they tricked you last night. Would you recognize this as sexual assault and not sex? Of course. What the scammer did was the same thing, just carried out online. Just as if it were offline, being tricked or forced into sexual activity you would not truly want is never your fault.

We Cannot Guarantee any Private Materials Won't Be Shared, but the Chance is Miniscule

Once the scammer realizes you know the situation is a scam, they might threaten to post any private materials they tricked you into sending them on to pornographic web sites as revenge. As hard as this may be to hear, this is a possibility. There are numerous pornographic web sites online, and not all of them are respectful enough to require signatures or other forms of consent from anyone featured in a video, photo, or dialogue. At the same time, the possibility is very remote. It is simply not in the scammer's best interest to share your intimate materials for revenge.  By doing so, they expose themselves, and they don't need the extra attention!

If your scam was a Nigerian scam or an American copycat of a Nigerian scam, the scammers are in it for the money. Time spent sorting out which explicit photo or video was taken from which victim, making an account on the site, and uploading the material is time taken away from manipulating other victims who are still willing to send money.

American scammers who are out to manipulate anyone they can for revenge over perceived past injustices are also not likely to bother sharing your intimate videos, photos, or dialogue. These people get their "payout" in the thrill of knowing they are making someone fall in love with a character they created and messing with the person's head. Like the money scammer, it is in their personal interest to move right along to the next target.

Personal revenge scammers, those who target a specific person for a scam in order to torment that individual, are not likely to post items on pornographic web sites because it increases their likelihood of getting into trouble. If you just found out the guy across town has been scamming you because he's jealous of you, and intimate videos you sent to a girlfriend that turned out to be a character created by him show up online, you're going to know he did it.

Many scam victims fear their private materials will be used in future scams. Again, nobody can promise you they won't, but regardless of the type of scam, the scammers are in it for the scammers, and they are going to use the easiest path possible. With all the pornographic web sites, nude and boudoir photography sites, lingerie modeling sites, etc out there, it is very unlikely that your materials will be selected.

You Did Not Give the Scammer or Scammers a Thrill

Scammers want "cybersex" materials because it makes the situation seem real, it make you think you've become close to their created character, and it serves as an easy thing to threaten you over, even if those threats are too much trouble for them to carry out. They aren't doing it for sexual gratification, and were likely watching porn during sexual chats or copying and pasting dialogue from written porn sites. The only pleasure they got was knowing they tricked you into doing it.

We Are Here for You

Scams of the Heart members will not judge you for any activity, sexual or otherwise, that you engaged in under the manipulation and control of the scammer.

Meet Soraya Grant

Soraya Grant (Soraya if you meet her in the chat room) is the online pen name of our volunteer staff writer and American romance scams peer support contact. Soraya has been verified by our moderators and is only using a pen name because her full, real name is used for a business she runs via the web. Soraya will be happy to use her real first name in private chats and in any email correspondences with other members. Soraya is not a therapist or mental health professional of any kind. She is just someone who wishes to help us help others.

Soraya was scammed by an American. She knows the real name and a few real details of someone who was either the only scammer, or the main scammer in the group, information that was verified when she independently researched this person, learned the business' phone numbers, and called his desk at his office.

Soraya learned that the relationship was a scam after she stumbled upon a marriage announcement for this man and another woman five months into what she believed was her own relationship with him. At first, Soraya still thought it was a real person and a real relationship. She thought her boyfriend had merely been cheating on her with someone from his hometown and decided to marry this other woman instead, while still carrying on an online affair with her. When she sadly confided this information to an online female friend from the same chat room, Soraya learned that he had been carrying on an identical relationship with this woman, who said she was only sixteen years old.

Because the girl was under eighteen, Soraya submitted all the real details she had been given to an online predator reporting group, and returned to the chat room, where she discovered a third woman who also believed herself to be this man's girlfriend. The third woman refused to accept that she had been scammed. Soraya no longer saw the nickname her scammer used, so she attempted to remain a member of the support chat, despite the fact that the moderators refused to believe that romance scammers had gotten into their room. A few weeks after she discovered she had been scammed, she spoke with another woman who told her that this same person was in fact still in the chat room, and had approached her in the same way he approached the other women. He had just taken to pretending to be much younger. The fourth woman was in her twenties and not underage, but Soraya still reported the situation to the moderators, and demanded something be done about a person running a romance scam in their support chat. She found herself harassed and then banned instead.

Soraya refers to her scam as a "copycat Nigerian scam" because other than the location of the scammer, they were nearly identical. Like all scammers, the man (and possibly friends he was working with) created characters and used them to trick women into believing they were in romantic relationships with him. The character he presented to Soraya was poor and hinted strongly for money. The character he presented to the younger girl was wealthy and told her he had already bought her real diamond earrings. That particular scam was discovered before he could send the package, but he was likely planning to send them to her as a test to see if she'd accept packages. That's the normal first step for a reshipping scam, in which the scammer uses the victim to accept and reship materials that turn out to be illegal.

Soraya is here to help all victims of romance scams and will be happy to offer support to everyone in the chat room. She just has a special place in her heart for those scammed by Americans and is extending a special invitation for victims of American scammers to reach out to her. She also hopes everyone finds her writing both informative and comforting.

American Romance Scams

American Romance Scams

by Soraya Grant

Most romance scams are carried out by organized gangs of criminals located in Nigeria, Ghana, or other west African nations. Countries of the former Soviet Union are also common locations for rings of foreign scammers. Some who study or fight against romance scams believe that these are the only types of romance scams that exist, but reality shows such as "Catfish" and the "Tall Hot Blonde" case reveal that many romance scams are carried out by Americans.

Most of the details of an American romance scam are identical to those of a foreign romance scam. The scammer will start with a base character, then use details you reveal on an online dating profile, social networking page, forum, or chat room to tailor that character to you. They will claim to fall in love with you very quickly and without ever meeting you offline. Once they believe they have you hooked, they will string you along, pretending to be in a relationship with you, but generating excuses when you ask them to meet you in person. You may notice that the details of their life seems inconsistent with their online and phone behavior. For example, they may claim they are a police officer on night shift, yet never be too tired to chat during the day when a real officer on nights would be asleep, or talk about having a teenage son but act confused or vague when you mention coping with your own teen's parent-teacher meetings, fads, or daily schedule. Repeated lines are also common, as the scammer may be talking to several people at once while pretending to only talk to one person. Stolen photos and/or invented descriptions are commonly used. It is also not uncommon for more than one person to be involved in the scam. The American scammer may have some friends or relatives who were in on the scam from the start, or they may talk someone else in to pretending to be them on the phone to cover up the fact that their gender, accent, or age is different from the character they are playing in order to run their scam.

Like the Nigerian scammers, American scammers will invent health problems, travel difficulties, family problems, and financial difficulties as reasons to avoid meeting and/or persuade you to send them gifts or money or do favors for them.. As with the Nigerian scam, if you accept and reship packages of illegal materials, take phone calls or answer emails that turn out to be related to drug deals, or deposit money in an account for someone who is engaged in illegal activity, you may still be charged and convicted of a crime. It is also impossible to get back any money you sent to someone in America because they talked you into giving it to them. Attempting to confront an American romance scammer is just as dangerous as attempting to confront a foreign romance scammer.

Despite these similarities, there are a few details of an American romance scam that may be different from one based overseas.

More Real Details May Be Used

The only detail of a Nigerian scam that isn't invented is the point when the victim is told their "love" is in Nigeria or Ghana. American scammers may mix in some more small pieces of reality. They might use their real name, details from online articles that mention them, such as a former spouse's obituary or a child's engagement announcement, or reveal their real workplace. This does not mean the person you talk to or the relationship is real. It just means it's easier for the scammers that way. It saves them the trouble of making up a story about why they can't take a personal check made out to their name when they take your money. American scammers may also not be as experienced as Nigerian scammers, and it could be easier for them to play characters based on themselves. Using a real name, and some real details from their life is also a manipulation tactic. They plant these details knowing you will research them online, see that what they are telling you "checks out," and trust them. Anyone who discovers they have been scammed by an American using his or her real name must remember not to mention the scammer's full real name anywhere online or if quoted as a source for an article about romance scams. Nobody is trying to coddle or protect the scammer.. This is done to make sure the scammer cannot sue the web site, victim, or publication for slander or libel.

The "Poor Grammar" Red Flag Does Not Apply

This is one red flag that is unique to the Nigerian or other foreign scams. The person you are actually talking to may speak very little English and will often cut and paste dialogue from different web pages or muddle through the conversation with incorrect English, using the excuse that they can't type well or have a sticky keyboard to explain it away if challenged. American scammers ' dialogue and notes may be as flawlessly written as those from the real people you talk to online. The absence of muddled English, often called "scammer grammar" does not mean you are not being scammed. It merely means you are being scammed by someone who speaks fluent English.

Requests for Money Are Often More Subtle

American scammers don't have the "I'm trapped in Ghana" story with all the made up taxes, fees, currency issues, and other completely invented reasons they need you to send your money right now. Their stories often take place entirely in America, and they know their victims will be aware of other ways to deal with the situation they describe. For example, if a scammer tells his victim he just lost his job, traveled to a strange city to interview for a new one, learned the job was a hoax, and is now stranded all weekend without the hotel room and food money the company promised, the victim will know he could go to a soup kitchen, food bank, church, or other local service organization for help. Some American scammers do boldly ask for money, but others drop increasingly strong hints until the victim offers them the money. One member of "Scams of the Heart" had an American scammer who planned an elaborate first date that would require him to travel and then began regaling her with tales of medical problems for him and his family, complained of being in a low paying job, and talked at length about struggling and being under stress until the victim offered to send money for his travel and for some of his bills to enable them to be together. The scam was nothing more than a subtle, Americanized twist on the classic Nigerian "I can't get to you without your money" scam.

The Scam Might Not be a Money Scam

Some American scams are copycat Nigerian scams, but other American scammers' goals are not financial. Many American scammers act out of a desire for revenge. They may be angry over some experiences from their past and get a kick out of messing with people the way people have messed with them. A man who has been rejected by a lot of women might create a male character, scam women, and feel he has gotten back at the female population in general when he emotionally manipulates and deceives a woman online. Some Americans set out to scam people they know as a form of punishment for something the person has done to them. This does not make the situation any less of a scam. It just removes the "asks or hints for money" warning sign.

The Victim May Not be as Readily Believed

Scams of the Heart welcomes and cares for victims of all types of romance scams. If somebody pretended to be a completely fake person or invented a fake version of him or herself, used that character to manipulate you into thinking you had a boyfriend or girlfriend, and then used you to unknowingly perform illegal activity, conned you into sending them money, or humiliated you for revenge, you will find hope here. This is not true of all groups of people, whether they meet online or offline. Some people might brush your scammer off as an ordinary everyday jerk and chime in with their own "bad relationship" or "crush who turned out to be a loser" story. In some cases the person means no harm. They honestly don't understand that a scammer, no matter where they live, is different than a bad date or bad relationship or marriage. Direct them to this web site to learn more about scamming, and answer their questions as honestly as you can. In other instances, the person you are trying to tell the story to is flat out being a jerk. Avoid fighting with these people. If you have just discovered you've been scammed, you do not need any more stress. It is far better to just bow out of the group or conversation and find genuine support. (If you're reading this, you found it).

It May be Harder for the Victim to Accept that It's a Scam

The more reality the scammer mixes in with their fiction, the more it can seem like you were in a real relationship with an actual human being. It may be a struggle to fully accept it that you never did have a girlfriend named "Jane Doe38" when you're looking at the web page of a real business that does indeed list a "Jane Doe38" as manager. It is probably hard not to look back and wonder how her brother is doing when you read a graduation announcement for a real kid in their local paper online, even if you have come to realize that kid never had the health problems his sister detailed in order to get your money. Whenever you are tempted to think a selection of real details makes a situation real, think of historical fiction. TC Boyle is particularly skilled at taking real historical figures or events and using them in his novels. Both Harvey Kellog and Alfred Kinsey have appeared as characters in his work. However, neither man was ever in any of the exact situations Boyle describes, they never said the words he uses as their dialogue, and most of the other people they interact with were invented by the author. Boyle's work is still fiction. The same holds true for your scam. Mixing a few real details into a scam is like sprinkling bakery sprinkles on a ceramic cupcake. It may have a few pieces of a real dessert, but it is still not a real dessert.

I've Never Been Scammed...but My Friend Has

I've Never Been Scammed...but My Friend Has: Understanding the Aftermath of a Friend's Scam

by Soraya Grant

Your friend has something to tell you. For the past several months, he or she has been chatting via Yahoo Messenger, text message, and phone conversation with a woman or man. They met on a website. Your friend believed they had found the love of their life, but recently realized the other person was not who they claimed to be. Your friend is the victim of a romance scam. As your friend goes through the process of healing, you may notice some odd behaviors.

He or She May Want Revenge

You may find your friend intensely angry, even if they were never the type to be consumed by rage before. Avoid scolding the person, telling them to calm down, or coaxing them to see things from the scammer's point of view. This only sends the message that the victim has no right to be upset.

At the same time, encourage your friend to channel their anger in a safe way. The right way to get revenge against a scammer is to educate yourself and others about scams, their warning signs, and aftermath. Education about scams will help people to recognize scammers right away and avoid communicating with them at all. Every time you help someone avoid engaging with a scammer, you ruin a scammer's attempt at victimizing one more person. Taking away their targets is the only thing that will truly hurt a scammer.

Never under any circumstances should you encourage anyone to confront a scammer directly. It doesn't matter if you've seen a television show or special where a scammer was confronted and nobody was hurt. Click over a few channels and you can also find about ten times as many shows about people being kidnapped, assaulted, and killed by individuals and gangs of people in their own country and abroad. If the scam was run by a gang in Nigeria or another country in that region, there is no way your friend even knows who they were talking to at any one time, and would only be confronting a random group of very dangerous criminals. Even if the scam was run by someone in your friend's own country and they have a real name and a few real details, they still have absolutely no idea what type of person they were actually talking to, or who else was involved in the scam. Never encourage anyone to confront a scammer directly either online or offline.

Your Friend Might Behave as Though the Online Persona is Real At Times

One minute your friend is telling you about a scam. The next words out of their mouth are something along the lines of "We were planning a trip to the Grand Canyon this summer." or "I had my heart set on decorating the entire house in white when we moved in together." This is to be expected, especially early in the scam. Your friend has been brainwashed into believing this created character was not only a real person but the love of their life. It is going to take some time to fully accept that this was just a character created and playacted by someone who didn't care about them at all. You should start noticing larger and larger gaps between the times your friend talks about the scam as though it were real as time goes on.

Your friend may also behave as anyone else would if their beloved boyfriend or girlfriend died. This is probably a bit confusing to you. This was just a character somebody created to trap them, so you would think they'd react about the same way they would react to their favorite television character turning evil and then dying. While it is true that the characters created by scammers are no more real than the ones you read about in books or see on television, there is one important difference. You knew your favorite character was made up from the start and did not interact with them as though they were a real person. The scammer didn't just create a character and allow your friend to watch it or read about it. That scammer or group of scammers used brainwashing tactics to convince your friend this character was a real person, and engaged in further emotional manipulation to make your friend believe this person loved them. For your friend, somebody they loved just ceased to exist.

They will likely come to accept that this person never existed as they heal. In the meantime, it is important to strike a balance in talking to them. Don't play along and behave as though the fake person were real, but don't snap at them to stop being ridiculous or scold them for not moving on fast enough.

If your friend says, "BoyfriendX and I were going to go to the Mall of America for my birthday," a gentle "You mean the scammer wanted you to believe you had a trip planned with BoyfriendX for your birthday" is much more effective than either "Oh cool. What stores were you planning to visit?" or "Knock it off. You know that wasn't real."

There Could Be Some Changes in Your Friend's Attitude about Flirting, Dating, etc.

Some people became overly interested in the opposite sex right after a scam. They seem to need to "prove" that their are real men or women out there who will be attracted to them. Whether this is a good idea or a bad idea depends entirely on your friend's temperament, personality, situation, and specific behaviors. Treat this situation the way you would treat your friend behaving this way for any other reason, just remember there is a lot of pain driving it, and avoid adding to that pain.

Others do not want to have anything to do with attracting people, dating, or anything in that area. These scam victims do not even want a happily married opposite sex friend to tell them they always thought they were attractive and should meet their spouse's single cousin sometime or have a same sex friend tell them they wish they looked like them. If it has anything to do with being attractive or dating, they just don't want to be a part of it. Again, treat them the way you would treat them if they lost their interest in men or women for any other reason, keeping aware of the situation behind it.

Your Friend May Have Renewed Interest in an Old Hobby or Topic

This is a sign of healing. Scammers mentally and/or physically isolate their victims to prevent them from talking about the "relationship" to a person who might point out all the holes in their stories and red flags in their behaviors. It is very likely your friend had to give something up to devote all their time to online chats with this person. It is also common for scammers to give their victims little tests to gauge how willing the individual is to do what they say or believe their words. It could be something as simple as telling them they hate white tee shirts, just to see if the victim logs on to cheerfully announce they donated all their white tee shirts to the thrift store today or the scammer may have created a character who loves golf, and delighted when the victim gave up gardening and took up golf. They don't really care what the person wears or does for fun, they just want to make sure they'll be willing to go with what they say when it's time to ask them to reship a package or send items or money. If your friend is taking back a style, hobby, interest, or habit they gave up for the person they believed to be their boyfriend or girlfriend, this is a sign that the scammer's hold is lessening.

They Might Want to Perform Some Type of Ceremony to Say "Goodbye."

Your friend wanting to say "goodbye" to the person they thought they knew is something that may seem absolutely bizarre, but is another sign of healing. Allow them to do what they need to do, within the bounds of safety and reason. Some people need to have a traditional "funeral" for the person they thought loved them. It is okay to decline to participate in any kind of ceremony or religious act that goes against your own spiritual beliefs, but avoid making fun or or making light of your friend for doing this. He or she may need it in order to let go.Others may need to simply take a day to gather up the clothes they bought to wear on their first date, the cell phone they bought to talk to the one who turned out to be invented, and the stuffed animal they were sent and get rid of it all. Help with this as much as you can and as much as the person wants you to. Offer to go with them to pick out a new cell phone or clothes, but don't take it personally if they refuse. They might need to do this alone.

The Friend May "Need" to Do Seemingly Trivial Things

As long as the person is being safe and reasonable, this is a good sign. Your friend could need to do a few things to reclaim control over their life. Perhaps they need to take some of that time they spent chatting online with the scammer back for themselves and have a few afternoons hiking, golfing, gardening, playing tennis, or visiting the mall or the spa instead of cleaning the house or meeting for coffee as they normally would. One scammer arranged an elaborate first date with the victim as part of the scam, leaving the place up to the victim to make it seem real and keep the victim involved in planning a trip that would never happen. The victim chose her favorite building in her city. After the scam was discovered, the victim needed to visit her favorite building just to show herself that it was just a pretty building in her city, and that she still had the right to enjoy it and make new, genuine memories there.

Excuses Excuses: Allowing Yourself to See the Red Flags of a Scammer

by Soraya Grant

The "red flags" of a scammer are featured on almost every web site and television show devoted to stopping online romance scammers. We should all know them by now, and once a target fully accepts the fact that they were scammed, they are easy to pinpoint. Looking back, many scam victims realize they did indeed see these seven common red flags, but made numerous excuses for the person they thought they were talking to.

Red Flag 1: The person tells you he or she loves you within days, weeks, or a couple months of meeting you online.

Excuse: "When you know you've found the one, you just know."

Breaking Through: If you only know someone online, you don't know them well enough to know you love them and you certainly don't know anyone you only met a few weeks or months ago well enough to make that determination. Even if it could happen, keeping a relationship strictly online, pressuring for a commitment, and acting hurt if the object of affection resists is not the way anyone would treat a person they genuinely loved. If this were a real person truly interested in you, they would want to meet you in a safe, respectful, public offline environment to learn all those little things that you can't learn online. They would be willing to see if a relationship might develop naturally. Tell the person you absolutely will not make a commitment to anyone you haven't met offline several times. Anyone who keeps pouring on the love talk, acts insulted or hurt, or vanishes suddenly is a scammer.

Excuse 2: "Well maybe this person just has a crush on me and is a bit socially awkward."

Breaking Through: While it is possible to develop a crush on someone you only know online, telling that person you love them and want to build a life with them is simply not adult behavior. No real adult, no matter how socially awkward, would respond to a crush from an online community by making declarations of love and devotion. Anyone who tells you they are in love with you, devoted to you, etc is trying to manipulate you, not flirt with you. Tell the person you are flattered they have a crush on you, then add that you absolutely will not make any type of declaration of devotion or promises of love to anyone you do not know well and haven't spent time with offline. If the person keeps insisting its love, acts like you've hurt their feelings, makes excuses why they can't meet, or disappears, it is a scammer.

Red Flag 2: The boyfriend or girlfriend has some connection to Nigeria, Ghana, or other country with a high concentration of scammers

Excuse: "The whole nation or region can't be nothing but scammers. Maybe my boyfriend or girlfriend really does need to travel to this region for work."

Breaking Through: It has become common knowledge that any mention of one of these nations is a definite sign of a romance scam. The person just wants you to be willing to send money to that country. Call the office of a professional in your community or nearest city who works in the same field as your online love. Ask them how many times they, or the people in their corporation, have been to Nigeria, Ghana, etc to perform the type of work your online love describes. For example, if your boyfriend claims he is a construction worker traveling to Ghana to help build a certain type of building there, call some construction companies and ask how common this type of work is. You will find these types of projects don't exist. Don't be swayed if the person has sent you photos or web pages devoted to the alleged project. Do a little more online and phone research. You will find that these photos or web sites actually belong to a completely different company or organization.

Note: This only applies to the Nigerian scam. It is possible that you are being scammed by an American scammer. In this case, Nigeria or Ghana will not be mentioned, and all their professional and location details will "check out." This does not mean you don't have a scammer. It just means you don't have a Nigerian scammer. Everything else in this article still applies to you.

Red Flag 3: The person's life does not seem to match up with the life they describe.

Excuse: "Well, people are complex. Everything about a person doesn't fit into a neat character description. We like different things, get in moods, delve into topics, and deal with situations that come up."

Breaking Through: Yes, it is possible for a guy with high class tastes to also enjoy a raunchy comedy movie from time to time, and a very busy executive may have gotten a few days off, but if the person's overall pattern of living does not mesh with the situation they describe, you are talking to a scammer. It is not possible for a person to have children who never interrupt the conversation or need to be bathed, fed, or otherwise cared for. People are not highly confident one minute and suffering from low self esteem the next. They are not wealthy today and of modest financial means the following evening. Get a journal. You can use a new document on your computer if you cannot afford to buy a notebook or don't want one lying around. Write down all of these gut feelings and twinges. You don't have to tell anyone about them, and please do not tell the online romance. Just keep them for yourself, and read them over at the end of each day. You will begin to see a strange pattern. This is a picture of a scammer forming.

Red Flag 4: Your online boyfriend or girlfriend asks you for money or drops strong hints that he or she is broke or struggling financially. Health, travel, or family problems are the cause.

Excuse: "What's the big deal? Couples discuss finances. They also help each other out. Even good friends do that."

Breaking Through: Asking your boyfriend or girlfriend or any other individual for money...or hinting and waiting for an offer... is the least effective ways to deal with a crisis or need. A million things could go wrong. Somebody who really was in trouble in a foreign country would contact their nation's embassy or ask you to make the call. They wouldn't ask you to send cash. A person who really did need a laptop or cell phone for their child and could not afford it could speak to a company that offered a lifeline phone or an organization that donated computers to needy children. An American in financial distress can apply for several programs, both through the government and through non-profit organizations that would be much more likely to be able to meet his or her needs than a gift from a boyfriend or girlfriend. Tell the person that you never send any money to anyone in any circumstance, and offer to find and send them the necessary paperwork or contact information for an outside source to meet their stated need instead. For example, if your girlfriend repeatedly tells you she can't feed her small child, offer to find the WIC office in her area and send her the contact email and number. Anyone who comes up with excuses why they can't use the resource and insists that only your money will save them is a scammer.

Red Flag 5: Your online boyfriend or girlfriend sends you small gifts such as flowers, candy or chocolate covered fruit, gift cards to your favorite store, teddy bears, or small pieces of jewelry.

Excuse: "See? He isn't asking me for money. He's spending money on me. That proves he's real."

Breaking Through: That is precisely what this person or group of people want you to think. Getting little tangible items from the person makes them seem more real. These gifts also serve as a way for scammers to verify your address with the goal of asking you to receive and reship packages for them that will turn out to be full of illegal materials. Your presents were also paid for by money stolen from other victims. Refuse to accept anything sent to you from anyone you do not know well and know offline.

Red Flag 6: The person is sometimes coherent, even eloquent and sometimes appears to have difficulty following the conversation. They say "back" when they haven't told you they were leaving the computer, can't remember things the two of you discussed yesterday, or use repeated lines.

Excuse: "He is under a lot of stress. I am also not the only person in his life. He is probably talking to his mother or cousin or platonic friends via IM as well."

Breaking Through: No matter how stressed we are, we can still speak our first language. Difficulty with a language the person has stated was their native language or a language they are fluent in is a sure sign of a Nigerian or Ghanian scammer. Scammers from Nigeria and from the US or wherever your native country is will use repeated lines to buy time when too many victims are online at once and they need to pretend each person is the only one they are talking to. Saying "back" when they haven't left your chat, not knowing what the two of you were just talking about, or missing large chunks of your dialogue are not signs of stress. These are signs that the person is struggling to keep up with all the victims he or she is juggling, or that someone else has taken a turn at the keyboard. Real people will admit they are doing a lot of things online or talking to other people and they will tell you if a friend of theirs wants to use their account to say "hello." Ask the person flat out what they are doing and who else they are talking to. If they "hem and haw," act angry or insulted, blame computer problems, or suddenly have to go, they are talking to people they do not want you to know about.

Red Flag 7: They want you to keep the relationship completely secret, swear you won't tell anyone they asked you for favors or money, and/or want you to spend all of your time communicating with them and them alone.

Excuse: "It's romantic. My boyfriend or girlfriend is just a very private person. We love spending time together."

Breaking Through: Excessive secrecy, especially about money or favors, demanding you spend all your time talking to them, and behaving with extreme amounts of jealousy are nothing more than isolation and control tactics. The person you are talking to doesn't want you around because they love you, or even like you. They don't care about you at all. They just don't want anyone else around you to point out any of these red flags or talk you out of sending money or accepting and reshipping packages for them. Refuse to keep anything beyond personal confidences that you would keep for any friend secret. Always tell somebody about any online relationships you enter into. If you are socially isolated and have no close friends or family members, tell a therapist or social worker. Never obey someone who forbids you to communicate with your family, or tells you who you can and cannot be friends with or talk to, online or off. Even if this were coming from a real person, these are emotionally abusive behaviors and should never be tolerated from anyone.

Military profiles and scammers

Recently I have noticed a surge in Military personnel profiles being used on Facebook and dating sites, and the concerns about socializing with them while on deployment. This is a big concern for me, and it should be for you too, as the person you are communicating with is likely to be a scammer, not a military hero.

I reached out to my nephew who is now a retired US Marine. He was among the first to be deployed to Afghanistan, and then first troops to attack Baghdad in the beginning of bringing down Saddam Hussein. Before going to those countries, his base was on lock down, which means they were not to leave their base for any reason.  Their bags were packed and ready for when they got their orders to deploy. He hadn’t had access to his personal computer or any social sites to go on, his cell phone was even limited to use.  While waiting for those orders he trained 9 to 10 hours a day, getting up at 5am and doing maneuvers with his troop or attending special classes to learn the culture where they were going and combat drills. By the end of the day he came home tired and slept most of the time.  His entire troop was on heightened readiness, just waiting to get that call.

  

Yes, our military does allow our troops to have access to social media sites. The government allows this so that personnel who are on deployment overseas communicate with family and friends. With that said, the Military also has rules and regulations that must be followed and personnel must adhere to those rules. Commanders control who can have access and which social networking sites personnel uses. Our troops have access to the military’s computers, not personal computers brought from home; therefore the restriction using them is high priority.  It can be shut down for any malicious usage.

Once deployed to those countries, his troop was high alert:  no more emails to his wife and kids and nor to his mother. When he could talk to them or send messages, he was not allowed to talk about his location or tell them anything about what he was doing. A typical day was getting up & putting on all of their armor gear. They would set out in armored trucks with special communication devices not accessible to the public. They would patrol the streets, search homes and deactivate any suspicious devices found, some safely and some that ended up in injuries. These patrols would last all day and into the night.  Some of these patrols were in hostile territory and in places where electricity is hard to come by.  Laptops and/or cell phones were not part of their regulation gear.  In these countries, cell towers were not common as here and if a tower is there, it is for opposite usage and not ours.  When their maneuver was over, they returned to their base. Yes, they had down time. Some would play games with other enlisted men and women; others would check up on emails or make calls to their families.  Mostly, this down time was used to clean up their gear and get ready for their next patrol, or just plain sleep.

The Military has made strides in allowing the personnel to popular social networking sites like YouTube, Facebook and Twitter; however it is still up to the individual’s Commanding Officer what can be said or used on those sites.  The Commanding Officer can shut them down if deemed necessary or restrict certain sites all together. The soldier who uses these sites can never give away his position, tell what they are doing and can be reprimanded if they do. Some commanders limit the friendship the soldier has on those sites and some even forbid adding new contacts or befriending anyone without permission. Advocates for these soldiers are trying to limit that control, but still it is ultimately up to the commander. This rule also applies to non-military personnel, one who are there on private contracts for the military.

I read an article once asking women why they are more attracted to our military personnel. When given three pictures of men two in uniform and one in business suite, the majority of women picked first the solider in his fatigues, second was either police officer or firefighter and last was the man in a business suite. When asked why these women chose them, they replied that solider attracted them as being a strong person, trustworthy and protective. Same question was asked about the police officer and firefighter and the response was these men show masculinities for being protective; they put themselves last to protect other. Now with the business man the response wasn’t exactly the same, women said they had a head for making money, would be a good provider but wasn’t as protective for them. Also they mentioned that the military personnel just looked good in uniform and well I cannot dispute that one. There is something to be said about a man in uniform.

  

Now that leads me to: How can you befriend a military soldier on Facebook, communicate with them for hours at time and at different times of the day? With all of their responsibilities while on deployment it is not feasible to chat for long periods of time and on military computers. Scammers take advantage of these social sites, lure men and women to befriend them, chat for hours.  They know how we feel pride in our Military people, they take advantage that we respect them and have trust in them. Why else would another human person put their lives on the line every day to protect us? And then the scammer makes promises to come see you and usually they will ask for funds to help bring them home or to travel to your country.

When a soldier signs up for two to four year contract with the government, they are held to the contract to the very end. When their contract is up during times of war or deployment, it is up to their commander to either grant passage back to States or extend their contract. Soldiers are given time off while on deployment, but they cannot leave that country unless it is back to the States. The government supplies them with the transportation back home either to serve out their contract or to discharge them from service. The government will not send an active soldier to another country first before being discharged. Vacations to them are same as ours:   they have to be requested in writing when they would like to take their leave and it may be granted or denied without reason. Special permission must be granted also if a soldier needs emergency leave for family illness or death.  They just cannot take vacation and leave their post especially to another country, and they still can be called back to post at any given time no matter the cause or reason.

Once sent back to the States and discharge is granted, only then can that person make plans to visit another country at their own expense. They are now a civilian. And if you have ever known someone in the military, you know that being discharged is not a quick process. As for non-military contract persons, they have made arrangements with their companies for financial support and supplies. It a big red flag when your chat buddy tells you their credit cards are frozen, or that they cannot access them, or they lost the money and need funds to finish the job. The government takes special care when hiring these contractors.  Formal bid processes are used to identify what resources are needed and how much they will cost. If they over-extend themselves, the contract is terminated and another contractor is sent in.

Now I am not saying we shouldn’t communicate with our military personal.  The government has official sites you can go under and befriend them or like their posts and play games. If you are speaking with someone who says they are military, ask questions and a lot of them. If they don’t respond right away or avoid your questions, that means they are doing their research, googling the answers. Other red flags: being asked for money to supply their works or to fly to meet you. It’s important to be proactive nowadays on social site. Scammers do their research and very well. They know just what to say to reel you in their web of lies;  know the right loving words that we all like to hear, and sometimes needs to hear. Military IP’s will identify government or where a person is stationed, so if you check the IP address of an email, it should indicate a military installation. If your IP is binged to yahoo’s home site or Google’s home site that is a sign that person is not real.

Another thing to consider, as troops finally begin to come home, there are fewer troops in Baghdad or Kabul.  There is now more turmoil there and with recent bombings, chaos has erupted, leaving what troops we have there less and less time to spend on the internet chatting.  Please be careful for yourself and for your hearts. And I hope this helps clear up some of your doubts about who you are chatting with.

Verna