When You Find Yourself Missing The One You Thought You Loved

by Soraya

Missing the person you thought you were talking to is one of the most upsetting features of the aftermath of a scam, but there are ways to cope with these feelings.

Never Start Talking to the People Behind the Account or Screen Name Again

Many scam victims feel the urge to look the scammer's account up again after they have blocked and deleted them. Some victims reason that the scammer might be sorry for what they did, and willing to be friends. Others fear they might have hurt the scammer's feelings and want to exchange apologies in the hope that the two of them will politely drift apart. A few people think they might be able to reform the scammers if they offer friendship or try to help them get what they need without scamming. None of these things have ever happened. Scammers are fully aware of what they are doing and the impact it has on their victims; if it made them feel bad, they wouldn't be doing it. Nigerian and other scammers that operate in large, organized rings see what they are doing as a business. Americans who copycat them are working this as a side job to catch up on expenses or have a little extra money for themselves. Revenge scammers get a thrill out of hurting people. None of these are going to sit around contemplating what they've done to you and wish the two of you could be friends. Nobody hurts the scammer's feelings by cutting them off because scammers do not have genuine feelings for their victims. Money scammers are only sorry to see a source or potential source dry up. Revenge scammers are sad that what they see as their game or project is over. They don't miss the people they hurt. Don't be fooled into thinking the scammer might fall in love with you or grow to love you as a friend and mend their ways. This makes a charming ending for several episodes of "Catfish," but the scammers on the show are fully aware that their answers and claims are going to be on the show. It doesn't mean they are telling the truth about how they now think and behave. "Your love (or friendship) reformed me" is a common line scammers throw out as a method of luring their victims back in for another scam. Anytime you are temtped to give the scammers "a chance" to reform and be your friend, remember that scammers count on this very urge to lure their victims back in to the scam.

Think of the Person You Thought You Knew As You Would a Character from a Novel, Television Show, or Movie

The person you thought you loved was not real, and is never going to be real. They were a character created and portrayed by the scammer or scammers. It doesn't matter if you were scammed by an American who used their real name and a few real details about their lives. American scammers often work alone or in pairs or very small groups. Using a real name saves them the trouble of having to remember fake names and/or explain why they can't take a check made out to a certain name. Once you examine the additional real details, you will realize that those details had to be used because the scam would be discovered if they were faked. The person's life stories that cannot be traced, their personality, their values, and their reason for being in the online environment are still completely invented. The same holds true if the scammer didn't lie about being in Nigeria or Ghana. The only reason they told you they were in one of those countries is because that's where they want the money or illegal shipments sent. Absolutely everything else they told you was made up. Once you begin to see the person you were talking to as the fictional character they were, it will be a bit easier to emotionally untangle yourself from them. You may still have periods of wishing they were real, but you will eventually be able to stop believing they were real, and missing them.

This is not as easy as writing about it is making it sound. You may have to literally stop and remind yourself that the person is not real out loud for a while. Find a private moment whereever you are, and do this for yourself. Go into the bathroom if you have to, lock the door, turn the water on, and say "The person I knew as John A is not real. He was a character played by members of a group of young men in Nigeria" or "The John A I knew was not real. He was playing a fictional character he based on himself to make scamming women online easier for him and whatever friends he had involved." You will feel weird at first, but keep doing it. Eventually the thought will pop into your head any time you begin to miss the person you thought you knew and loved.

Have a Few Little Distractions Ready

Memories and ideas sometimes come flooding back unbidden. You have resisted the urge to talk to the scammer account again, reminding yourself that nobody using it wants anything to do with you as a person. The reminder about the person being a fictional character has been recited several times. Yet you remain stuck on the image of that little bed and breakfast the two of you talked about visiting for your first weekend away and that academic program the scammer was urging you to spend your time researching doesn't look so bad. Maybe they had a point and you should enroll in classes there.

Interrupt this process with one of your distractions. Make a list of little things you can do that are as unrelated to the scam as possible in each situation you might find yourself in. If you never discussed cleaning the employee bathroom, catching up on your filing, or responding to press inquiries at work with the scammer, those tasks might be on your list under "At Work." If you are at home, your list might include watching an episode of a television show you enjoyed before or after the scam, reading a brand new magazine, or picking up a new type of coffee or juice drink at the grocery store and enjoying a cup at the kitchen table or on the porch. Games, Pinterest boards, and web searches can also serve as quick distractions. Just make sure you don't select or zone in on something you associate with the scammer. This may feel like being lazy or doing "busywork," but it serves the purpose of making your mind focus on something that isn't likely to immediately circle back to the scammer and how much you wish you could talk to the character they played. As time passes, you will find yourself needing these little distractions less and less.

Avoid Putting Too Much Trust in New People Online or Offline

Sometimes the distraction we choose is a new bar, new bookstore, or new dating site or chatroom. Our members are adults and are allowed to spend their time wherever they choose. Wherever you go, do everything you can to keep yourself safe there. Keep the warning signs of a scammer in mind as you chat with new people online, and give yourself time to get to know new people online and offline before placing all your trust in them. There is always time to have the deep conversations you used to feel like you were having with the scammer.

Chat with Us

The Scams of the Heart chat room is a great place to come and talk to people who understand what you are going through. The topic immediately switches to "scams and scammers" when someone needs to talk about something related to their scam, but if everyone in the room wants to talk about other things, hanging out is more than welcome. Sometimes the reason the scammer's fictional persona is so deeply missed is because they are the only "person" the victim has been talking to for months or even a year or more. In these situations, simply having someone else to talk to can help ease the feelings of missing the person you thought you loved.

Ten Frequently Asked Questions About Romance Scams

by Soraya  (formerly credited as Soraya Grant)


1. What is a romance scam?

A romance scam is a situation in which any person or group of people creates a character and plays that character online with the goal of tricking others into falling in love with that person who does not truly exist.

2. Why do people run romance scams?

Most romance scams are run to manipulate the victims into giving the scammer money. Romance scams are also run to manipulate the victims into performing illegal acts for the scammer, for personal revenge, or for a general sense of revenge on the world or a type of person.

3. Who runs romance scams?

The majority of romance scams are run by organized criminal rings in Nigeria, Ghana, Malaysia, or the former Soviet Union, but scammers can and do operate in all countries, including the United States. The MTV show "Catfish" offers several examples of American romance scams.

4. How can I stop romance scams?

The only way to stop romance scammers is to cut off their supply of victims. Know the red flags and share the information with anyone you know who communicates with people online.

5. I checked to make sure the emails and phone calls I am getting weren't from Nigeria or any other country with a high concentration of romance scammers. Doesn't that mean I'm safe?

It's a good first step, but not a guarantee that the person you are talking to is not a scammer. Many scam rings in those areas have learned how to mask ip address and cell phone numbers. It is also possible that the scammer was from the place they claimed to be from. Scammers exist in all countries, including the United States.


6. I do all my research. I check names, workplaces, and towns where they person says they live and make sure somebody by that name exists where they say they do. Doesn't that mean I'm safe?

Again, not necessarily. At least one member of SOTH was scammed by an American man who gave her his real name, hometown, workplace, employment history, and a true story about a deceased second wife. The victim later realized that he used his real name to make it easier to ask for and cash checks sent by his victims, and added the additional real details because he would be busted immediately if he lied about those. Everything else he told his victims turned out to be false.


7. How can I tell if someone is a scammer?

The main red flags of a scammer are described in detail in several articles on this web site, but the two biggest ones are asking or dropping hints for money, gifts, or favors involving shipping or banking, and claiming to fall in love with or feel a connection with you in the first days, weeks, or months of meeting you online.


8. How can I get money I sent to a scammer back?

You can't. In the years that we have been dealing with romance scams, we have only seen one or two instances where the scammer was even caught and prosecuted, and as of the time of this writing, nobody has gotten their money refunded.

9. Are they going to use the pictures, chat dialogue, or other information I gave them to get revenge on me or to scam others?

We can't promise anything, but scammers almost never make good on threats to post revealing photos or dialogue to porn sites, send them to employers, etc. This would draw unwanted attention to the scammer and cut into the time they want to devote to gathering and working on new victims. Scammers are in it for their own goals. Scammers do collect photos and other materials to use in future scams, and some of that does come from past victims. However, with all the sources for pictures, dialogue, and other details available around the internet, the odds are very slim that your materials are the ones that are going to be selected.


10. Don't you have to be pretty naïve to fall for a romance scam?

Scammers will certainly use a naïve person's eagerness to trust others against them, but they are also ready and willing to exploit cynicism, paranoia, and any other negative or positive trait they can manipulate to get their way.




 

In the Moments After the Discovery of a Scam

by Soraya Grant

You just learned you have been scammed. It happens in a variety of ways. Sometimes the victim realizes that there is something wrong with the stories their online love has been telling, does some research, and reads stories that are too close to theirs for anything else to be going on. Other times someone at the bank or Post Office recognizes the telltale signs of a reshipping or money scam and points them out. Other victims meet fellow members of the online community where they met the person, learn that others also believe themselves to be dating the person, and trade stories only to find that "their boyfriend/girlfriend" has been pretending to be different versions of the same person, or different people entirely, and getting money, favors, or gifts from several people. No matter what type of scam it was, or how you found out, it probably feels like your world is crashing down around you right now. There are several things you will want to do at this time. Some of them will help you heal. Others will only lead to more difficulties.

Things to Do:

Spend some time learning more about online romance scams.

The web site you are reading right now features over seventy articles and other posts about romance scams. Take an afternoon or evening and read as many of them as you need to. If you would like to talk to someone, Scams of the Heart also has a chat room and a yahoo group available. An Amazon search for "romance scams" will also generate a list of books you might want to purchase or find at your local library. MTV's show Catfish also illustrates many warning signs of scams and can provide comfort to those going through a scam.

Take some time for yourself as much as possible

In the best case scenario, you will be able to call in sick to work for a few days, or arrange with your professors to miss classes for a few days, arrange for children to spend a few days with an aunt, uncle, or grandparents, and give yourself time to heal from a very real trauma. At the same time, we understand that everybody does not have a job with paid leave available, professors that will allow them to miss class without penalty, or friends and family who can care for children. You may need to struggle through your daily life, and steal some time when you can, but please do so, even if it's only the two hours while a young child is in preschool, the time between your last class and dinner in the cafeteria, or the drive or ride home from work, let cleaning, extra work, and any errands that aren't absolutely necessary slide for a bit and take some time to process what happened to you.

Delete, block, and otherwise get rid of everything related to the scammer

Delete all their emails and empty your trash can. Erase any photos they sent you. Block them from contacting you on every web site you used to communicate with them, including your email and messenger accounts. Throw any flowers or uneaten food gifts away. If the scammer sent you any jewelry, scarves, teddy bears, or other small objects, donate them to the thrift store or a local non profit. Erase any web pages you were saving related to the relationship you now know to be a scam. If you bought anything for yourself or your home, because of the scammer make plans to replace it as soon as possible.

Things to AVOID:

Never give in to any urges to physically harm yourself or others

The only people who are at fault during a scam are the people who planned and ran the scam. You, your friends, your family members, your pets, and your coworkers did not do anything wrong and none of you deserve any type of harm to come to you. If you feel the urge to hurt yourself or anyone else, go to the nearest hospital, call a suicide or crisis line, or visit the crisis chat web site as soon as possible.

Never confront the scammer

Most of us who have been scammed wanted nothing more than to sit down and write the scammer a long letter detailing exactly how we figured out they were a scammer and what we think of them and their scams. If you must do this, write it out in your journal and keep it for yourself. Do NOT send it to the scammer.

The person you were talking to is very different from the person you believed you were talking to. No matter how sweet the character they portrayed seemed, the real person or people on the other side of that internet connection are not going to be sorry. One of two things will happen; the scammer will either pretend to be sorry, promise to reform, and lure you into a second phase of the scam, or they will lash out at you. Either way, the scammer or scammers will use your letter as a tutorial to help them run more successful scams in the future. This is one aspect of coping with a scam where SOTH does not support the actions of the hosts of Catfish. That show does a wonderful service, but it is still a reality show, and all reality shows fudge the truth of the situation a bit to make for more entertaining television. Never confront a scammer...online or offline.

 

Don't pour your heart out to random people online

Scams of the Heart members would be more than happy to sit and listen to the story of your scam. If nobody is in the chat room, join our yahoo group, and post a message to arrange to meet someone in the room as soon as they can get there for you. If you have any difficulties navigating the chat room or yahoo groups page, or think nobody has seen your post, the email addresses of the moderators are available on our site. Someone who understands what you have been through will be there for you. Joining a random chat room or forum may make the situation more stressful. Many people do not understand what an online romance scam is, and may brush your situation off out of sheer lack of knowledge. Others have joined an unmoderated chat room looking for an online hookup or fight, and are going to push for that with anyone they talk to rather than listening to what the person wants to discuss.

Now is not the time to make any major life decisions or changes

The moments, hours, and first few days following the discovery of a scam are going to be confusing, painful, and scary. You are not in your best frame of mind right now. Do not drop out of school, quit your job, or spend large sums of money right now.

Five Common Misconceptions About Talking to Scammers

by Soraya Grant

 

Misconception 1: "I was able to verify that my online friend has nothing to do with Nigeria or any other country with a lot of organized scam rings. I went on the web site of the place they told me they worked, found a contact number, and called and talked to them there unexpectedly. That means this person is not a scammer."

Reality: Scams of the Heart has at least one member who was scammed after doing this very thing. It turned out to be an American, and possibly some friends of his, running a copycat of the Nigerian scam. Checking email headers and cutting off all contact if the messages are found to be coming from Nigeria, Ghana, or another country with a lot of organized scam rings is an important first step, as most scams are run by these rings. But remember that "most" does not mean the same thing as "all."

Misconception 2: "My online friend hasn't said anything about money, shipping, gifts, or banking. They didn't even hint around about it, so this is definitely not a scam."

Reality: While the vast majority of online romance scams are designed for financial gain and/or to trick someone else into taking the fall for illegal activity, there are scammers who run scams simply to hurt people. The MTV television show Catfish features many scammers who designed and implemented an online romance scam in order to get a general sense of revenge on the world, or to punish an individual they knew for doing something the scammer didn't like. A scam occurs any time a person or group of people goes online as a fake person, including a fake version of themselves, and then uses that created persona to manipulate anyone else into a false relationship with them.

Misconception 3: "People are making a big deal out of nothing. Everybody meets jerks online. If I meet a scammer I'll just quit talking to them."

Reality: Being scammed goes far beyond "meeting a jerk." We aren't talking about people who do things like set up online health support pages on Facebook just to form a little clique and get mean with people they don't find interesting, or pretend they want to make a friend and then start talking about explicit things out of the blue, or who start out nice and then start picking random fights. We are talking about people who use carefully planned brainwashing methods to manipulate others for their own personal gain. That goes a bit beyond your ordinary online "jerk" or "troll." It is possible to just quit talking to someone who you realize is a scammer right away, or very early in what you believe to be the relationship, but once you have been lead to believe that this is a person who loves you and who you love in return, it is not going to be so easy to just let it go. Scammers do a great deal of emotional and psychological damage.

Misconception 4: "I am seeing a lot of red flags for an online romance scam, but the situation could be real this time."

Reality: If you are seeing a lot of signs of a scam, then it's a scam. Pretend you hired me to housesit this Saturday afternoon through Sunday afternoon. I promised you that I would keep the house empty and calm, and spend the time reading and watching TV, only talking to friends via my cell phone and personal laptop. When I arrive to set myself up in your guest room, you notice that in addition to a change of clothes and my hygiene items, I have also brought a cocktail dress, heels, and makeup. When you look in the grocery bags I brought "so I wouldn't eat up all your food" you find an assortment of drinks, several bags of chips, and a flyer with a special price on large orders from the local pizza place. Would you assume that I am the one housesitter who eats several times more than the average person during a weekend and likes to get dressed up to sit and watch movies alone? Or would you see all the signs of someone about to have a party in your house, and tell me you won't be needing me after all before I trash your place? Apply this same logic to your online contact's behavior. Scammers count on their targets refusing to accept the red flags that indicate a scam.

Misconception 5: "I'm not worried. If anyone scams me, I will go after them. They do it on Catfish all the time"

Reality: Catfish does a great service. It brings romance scams to the public's attention. Most of what the show teaches is a good way to handle online relationships; look for red flags, ask a lot of questions, research the person and any places they claim a connection to, refuse to make any promises before you know the person well. However, there are two features of the show Catfish that make great reality tv, but do not reflect the true reality of most scams.

The first is that they treat the scammer as though they are just socially awkward or struggling with mental health issues and need some help to function in the world. When you see a scammer respond positively to this type of treatment on the show, remember that this person knows they are on camera in front of millions of people during the confrontation and the followup. Anyone would say they have health problems, quit scamming people, took down their fake profile, and are working on getting help and improving their lives in that situation. Nobody watching that show knows what this individual is doing when they're not on a video chat with Nev and Max. They could have taken down the fake profile they got caught with and made fifteen more.

The second feature of Catfish that is not reflective of the reality of scammers is the confrontation. It is never safe to go to anyone's house when meeting them offline for the first time, and it is mever safe to confront someone you have realized is a scammer. The show may make it look like Max, Nev, and the client just show up while you watch, but the show is researched, filmed, and edited ahead of time by a very large crew. They are not truly walking into an unknown situation alone or in a small group as you or you and your friends or family members would be doing. If you are not seeing the warning signs of a scammer, arrange the first several meetings in a public place, and stay in public with the person. If you are seeing the warning signs of a scammer, do not confront them online or offline. Cut off all contact immediately.

Understanding Scams: Three Ways a Victim May Lose Money

By Soraya Grant

A person does not have to lose any money for the situation to be defined as a scam. An internet romance scam occurs any time anyone first pretends to be a different person, or a different version of him or herself online, and then uses that created persona to enter into a fake romantic relationship or even close friendship, with someone else online. Sometimes internet romance scams are run for a general sense of revenge on the world or certain segments of the population. Other times they are run to get revenge on a known individual. Tricking a victim into doing illegal errands involving reshipping or banking are very common as well. However, the vast majority of scammers operate with the goal of getting their victims to send them money and/or buy things for them, and the upheaval caused by the scam can cause a victim to make uncharacteristically poor work and money decisions or to spend their money in ways they ordinarily would not. There are three ways a victim of an internet romance scam may lose money.

Direct Loss of Financial Resources

Flat out losing your money and ruining your credit is the first type of monetary loss that most people think of, and for good reason. It is typically the most devastating form of financial loss. This type of loss occurs when the scammer, posing as the created persona, either asks the victim directly for money, or tells increasingly touching tales of problems with work, health, family, friends, or travel until the victim offers to send it to them. In some cases, the scammer also asks for or hints for expensive items such as iphones, laptops, or plane tickets.

The amount of money lost in this manner varies widely, from a few hundred dollars to several hundred thousand dollars, but regardless of the amount of money lost, the scammer still had no right to that money or the items that money bought, and if the victim had known who they were really talking to, they would never have given it to them. It is also important to remember that each victim will feel the impact of their financial loss differently depending on their individual life circumstances. A man who sent his scammer $5,000 and a woman who sent her scammer $500,000 are both going to be completely financially devastated if those amounts were all the money each had. Direct financial loss can also be the most embarrassing for a victim, as they often brerate themselves for sending money or purchasing expensive gifts for a person who doesn't even truly exist.

Friends and family members of a romance scam victim who suffered direct monetary losses will understandably be shocked, but it is important not to dwell on the amount of money lost or to add to the person's shame and embarrassment for sending it or buying things and sending those to the scammer. It will be far more helpful to simply listen to the victim, and when they are ready to reorganize their finances, help them find accountants or financial consultants, craft a new budget, or make other changes in their financial habits as needed for their unique situation.

Job, Business, or Academic Loss Due to Involvement with the Scammer

Scammers know that messing with a person's daily routine is the quickest route to altering their thinking. Pushing for late night and early morning conversations, making requests to 'take naps together' in what is the middle of the day for the victim, and arranging for phone calls or IM chats during what would normally be dinner time are common tactics. These changes make the victim hungry and tired at odd times, and can cause them to have trouble focusing during their working hours. The added stress of believing that a loved one is going through the horrible stories the scammer tells can also impair their ability to function well at work. This can result in the loss of a job or business clients for the scam victim. Students may neglect homework assignments, forget to study for tests, or finish projects hurriedly because they have begun spending their study time devoted to the scammer.

Finding out that a friend has been demoted or fired, seen a large number of clients go elsewhere, or has dropped out of school because of a scammer will be a shock. Your urge will probably be to yell out "how could you brush off your real job/degree for some person that didn't even exist?" or "well what are you going to do for money/your academic credits now?" Channel this urge into something productive. Ask the person what you can do to help, and then do what they need you to do. Two hours spent helping the person update their resume, talk to their professors, sign up for an employment service, or go job hunting is going to be much more productive than five hours of glaring at them and lecturing them on how foolish they were.

Money Spent to Please the Scammer

Many of the little projects scammers push their victims into cost money. The victim may have begun taking lessons or classes, purchased new household items or clothing, or gone in for pricey cosmetic treatments at the urging of the scammer. Victims may also purchase items or participate in activities that make them feel closer to the person they believe they have fallen in love with online.

Never trivialize this type of money loss, or argue with the person that what they got out of it was really very useful or nice. It may seem senseless to get rid of a perfectly good set of cookbooks, DVDs, or golf clubs, or odd that a person would want to give away clothes that have garnered them compliments at work, but keeping these things around will only keep them tied to the scam emotionally. Help your friend gather up everything they bought to please the scammer and donate it to the nearest thrift store. Don't argue with them if they need to cancel gym memberships, drop out of activities, or quit getting beauty treatments or other services they seemed to enjoy. It is a necessary part of their psychological healing.

Unique Experiences In the Healing Process for Romance Scams

by Soraya Grant

Healing from a scam can be a different experience than healing from other forms of emotional trauma. While they share many similarities, there are a few experiences that seem to be fairly unique to those who are recovering from an online romance scam.

Attachment to Photos, Web Pages, and Other Places or Objects

Scammers craft elaborate backstories for the characters they play during the course of their scams. They may steal photos or claim to look like famous people, send addresses or titles of web pages for fake, or occasionally real, workplaces, and talk extensively about a place they live or are pretending to live. Many scammers send small gifts to their victims in order to make the character seem real, and as a way to verify the victim's address. As they weave you deeper into their web, the scammer will keep you in place with elaborate plans for vacations, future homes, weddings, or other life events that may lead you to do a great deal of research and planning. Once the scam is uncovered, of course you know that the person you were really talking to does not live in San Diego, or look like an attractive celebrity or model. You also know that there never were any plans for a romantic vacation, wedding, or new career and home for you.

Despite knowing that the relationship, the plans, and the majority of the stories the scammer told you were not real, you may find yourself clinging to the gifts, photos, web sites, or other tangible items or places you associate with the scam. If you were lead to believe you and your beloved had a song, you may not be able to stop listening to it. One victim of an American scammer kept visiting the web site of the scammer's hometown, even though she knew she never had a boyfriend who lived there and would never visit, never mind move to, this town.

This behavior is not healthy, but it is normal. Do everything you can to get rid of all of the things you are clinging to. Remove any gifts from your home immediately. Delete all photos, emails, and internet bookmarks. You may need to leave the web site where you met the scammer, at least for a period of time. Your longing for these locations and things will lessen as your healing progresses.

Moments or Periods of Confusion Over Whether the Scammer is Real

This can range in intensity from spending days worrying that you made a horrible mistake in thinking the person was a scammer and lost the love of your life, to occasionally catching yourself thinking of the scammer as an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. The best way to move through this is to set mental reminders for yourself any time the thoughts pop up. When you begin to doubt that it was a scam, you might want to say, "This person pretended to love me in order to get my money (or assistance in illegal reshipping or banking or to hurt me for revenge). Even if everything else they told me was real, that alone makes it a scam." Or sit down and privately list all of the red flags that made you realize it was a scam and tell yourself, "this person displayed all of these red flags. Any situation with this many signs of a scam is definitely a scam." If you find yourself thinking of the scammer as an ex, or even as a friend, take a moment and gently correct yourself. The thought "my ex girlfriend Carrie used to love red velvet cake too" would become "the scammer found out I loved red velvet cake and used that detail to make the situation seem real." Note the use of the word "gently." The goal here is to guide your mind back to reality, not beat yourself up.

Confusion Over What Is You and What is the Result of the Scam
 

Scammers tend to craft a character that is perfect or nearly perfect for each victim, so it is unlikely that you would have changed your religious beliefs, political opinions or affiliations (or lack thereof), general field of work, or lifestyle for the scammer. At the same time, scammers do give their victims little challenges and projects that serve as both tests to see how compliant the victim is, and as tactics to keep the victim enmeshed in the story the scammer has woven. They may convince you to look for a new house for the two of you to live in and encourage you to plan to decorate it any way you want it, train or go back to school for a slightly different job in your field so that you can have a fresh start or a higher salary when the two of you are finally together, plan a dream wedding, research vacations, or learn a new hobby so that the two of you can participate in activities together. Scammers may also encourage you to make changes in your style of dress, eating habits, entertainment choices, appearance, or schedule. Once you realize the situation was a scam, you also realize there was never a woman who wanted you to learn more about opera so the two of you could go together and encouraged you to get that promotion at work instead of going back to school to qualify to teach like you planned....or a man who thought you would look gorgeous with red highlights and kept encouraging you to take up morning yoga and enroll in online business classes. But now you're not sure which of those things really are enjoyable to you or something you might want to do, and which of those things you just convinced yourself you wanted under the mind control of the scammer.

Fight this confusion by starting with the most trivial detail the scammer altered and adding more elements to the process after you have examined and resolved each one. Suppose you have slowly begun to realize that the scammer talked you into coloring your hair and buying a new aftershave (or makeup set) as a test of compliance, convinced you to redecorate your living room to further test your willingness to do what they wished, and pushed you to enroll in an online degree program in order to keep you wrapped up in their story and too busy to question them. Decide whether or not you like the cosmetic items first, then examine the changes you made to your home, and then re-examine your career goals. Tackling a tiny challenge successfully will give you a little glimmer of hope that you can take charge of your life again. Use that energy to work your way up to the bigger ones.

Reaching Out When You Believe a Friend is Being Scammed

by Soraya Grant

Noticing a pattern of warning signs that indicate a friend may be in a scammer's grip is scary. This isn't some everyday problem. You can't just walk up to the person and say, "hey it looks like you have a scammer" the way you'd tell them their keys were about to fall out of their pocket. But there are a few things you can do to guide them to discovering the truth and seeking help.

#1: Speak to them using ordinary words and tone.

We are not here to offer you preset phrases and settings for bringing up the subject with your friend. Just make sure it's a normal conversation. Scolding another adult as though he or she were a child is not appropriate, and talking in "psychobabble" is off putting. No matter what you decide to say, talk to the person as you would talk to them about any other serious subject.

#2: If you truly cannot bring yourself to talk about their situation, try talking about romance scams in more general terms.

Sometimes we know a friend or family member needs to face something, but we can also tell they just aren't going to do so until they come to the decision on their own. Mention our site by telling them it was something you came across doing research for someone they don't know, or that it's a site you just happened to stumble upon while looking into online dating, internet safety, relationship articles, or a general blog tour and beging a general discussion about online romance scams. Encourage your friend to read our blog and squidoo page.

#3: Educate yourself on internet romance scams

Before helping someone else with a problem, it helps to know what you are dealing with. Read over some of our articles on here and on our squidoo page to learn the major warning signs, types of scams, and some of the issues scam victims deal with.

#4: Expect your friend to react negatively at first

Scammers brainwash their victims. Unless it is very early in what they believe to be a relationship (but is actually a scam) your friend is not going to be entirely himself. Even if this person has always been open and honest with you, or is the type to listen anytime someone presents a good argument, they may lie to you, lash out at you, brush you off and pretend nothing serious is going on, or become even more secretive and withdrawn. Keep being there for them and checking in on them. The person is not acting this way because they truly wish you'd disappear. The scammer has them convinced that friends and family will be jealous or won't be able to understand the deep bond the two of them share.

#5: Do everything you can to stop your friend from sending money, buying and sending gifts, doing banking errands for the scammer, or agreeing to accept and ship anything for them.

We still cannot promise the person won't do it, but if your friend is to the point where she is doing anything related to purchasing and finances or reshipping packages for someone online, it is a definite scam. Your friend will lose any money or items she sends to this person, and if she accepts and reships packages that turn out to be illegal, or deposits funds into bank accounts linked to illegal activity, she may face arrest and problems with the law herself.

#6: Forgive your friend for any scam related bad treatment

This may be difficult. Scammers use mind control techniques to make their victims believe some pretty outlandish things, and the victims will of course behave as though these things are true. It may be hard to not just yell back and storm off at someone who just responded to your concern by accusing you of being against their happiness. It may also be hard to keep inviting someone out who keeps turning you down, or texing or calling someone who never writes back or picks up. But remember that your friend or family member is in the grips of people who practice mind control techniques on a daily basis. This doesn't mean your friend gets to be cruel to you, and you're supposed to just smile and take it. There is nothing wrong with backing away for a bit, or telling them you will not take that kind of treatment from them. But once things calm down, don't hold their past behavior against them. Make the first move toward patching things up.

#7: Never attempt to confront or stop the scammer. We repeat....NEVER attempt to stop or confront the scammer.

The television show "Catfish" does an absolutely wonderful service to the world by bringing attention to online dating scams and making them easier for people to talk about, and much of what they teach on the show is a good idea to follow. You absolutely should look for red flags, run photos through reverse search engines, and find out as much about the online "love" as possible. But there are two points where "Catfish" gets it wrong. One is acting as though most scammers had real feelings for their victims and just didn't realize how much harm they were causing. The other is making it seem as though it is safe to confront the scammer. Those details make a great television show with a happy or at least bittersweet. ending, but they do not reflect the circumstances of ordinary people. The hosts of "Catfish" are surrounded by a camera crew sent by an internationally famous television network. You and your friends are not. The scammers also know they are being filmed both during the confrontation and during the followup. Neither you nor your friend has any idea who the person behind the scam really is. If it is a Nigerian scam, it could be any number of members of any organized criminal gang. If it is a domestic scam, the real person playing the online part of your friend's love could be someone willing to commit any number of violent crimes. Your friend's scammer could harm you or your friend before either of you had time to film them and upload it to a site where anyone could see it and step in.

Ten Signs Someone You Know is Being Scammed

by Soraya Grant

Scams of the Heart welcomes victims of online romance scams based in Nigeria, Ghana, the former U.S.S.R., Malaysia, the United States, Canada, or anywhere else a romance scam may originate. We also welcome those who are unsure if their situation is a real relationship or friendship or if it is a scam, and anyone who is concerned about a family member, housemate, coworker, or friend.

While it is often difficult to tell when someone else is involved with a scammer, there are ten major warning signs to watch out for.

#1: Your friend's internet habits have changed to a noticeable degree.

Increased internet usage is probably the first thing that springs to mind. If your friend was never that interested in spending large amounts of time online before, but is now spending hours logged in, they may be getting sucked in by a scammer, but that is not the only detail to watch out for. Look for changes in the way the person behaves online. If they used to spend hours chatting on Facebook to friends they know offline, but now seem to never have time to answer messages, or if they've always been heavy internet researchers or shoppers, but are now only ever connected to their messenger account, that is also a warning sign. Decreased internet use may also be a red flag for a scam situation. Many scammers snare their victims on a dating site, chat room, health care web site, or Facebook, but immediately want to move the communication to texting and instant messaging. Your friend could appear absent from the internet because he has created a new messenger account and/or taken to spending entire days texting from his phone.

Scammers are present on almost every site that allows communication between new people. Take note any time your friend seems to have become unusually devoted to a certain site, whether that be an explicit, adult oriented site, a clean chat room, a dating web site, or a forum for people suffering from certain disorders. There may be other reasons for their focus on this certain site, but they may also be using to communicate with a scammer.

#2: He or she seems especially happy for no apparent reason.

This is not to suggest that everybody in a good mood is the victim of an online romance scammer, but watch out for sudden, unexplained improvements in the mood of someone who has been lonely, isolated, depressed, or simply bored with their current circumstances, especially if that person has taken up online dating or begun communicating with new people online in any way. The dramatically improved mood could be stemming from the belief that they have met the man or woman of their dreams. In many cases, the dream man or woman will turn out to be a character crafted by a scammer or group of scammers.

#3: The person has gotten uncharacteristically secretive about his or her online friends, phone calls, or texts.

Romance scammers often manipulate their victims into social isolation by pretending to be people who want secrecy in the relationship. One American chat room scammer demanded that "his girlfriend" not tell anyone the two of them were a couple in any form. He insisted that this was because he was a very private person, and because he wanted his mother to be the first person in his life to know about his new love. The women who believed themselves to be his girlfriends were to tell others in the chat room that the two of them were just friends, and to avoid mentioning him at all to anyone they knew offline. Further scammer tactics include insisting that the family, group of friends, or other staff members at work would try to sabotage the relationship out of jealousy, or allowing the victim to tell one person, but keep things a secret from all of the rest of their friends and family. Any of these things can leave the person you care about with an oddly jumpy, secretive attitude about their online or phone activity. If he used to brag about all the women who flirt with him in the chat room he uses in the evenings, but now says 'nobody' when you ask about it, or if she used to forward you pictures of everything from cute guys she met on dating sites to the car she's planning to buy, and suddenly stopped, your friend may be in a secret online "relationship" with a scammer.

#4: He or she suddenly loses one large or several small amounts of money or begins talking or behaving as though he or she is having financial problems.

You may notice that your mom keeps saying "I hope you kids weren't counting on a big inheritance" when you know she's got savings accounts set up for each child. Or maybe your coworker used to love to go shopping and out to drinks every Friday evening, but now claims she "can't afford it." Maybe your friend alludes to "not having much in the bank these days" when you ask her how the apartment hunt is progressing. There are several ways a person can fall into sudden financial difficulty, but falling prey to a scammer is certainly one of them. The money needn't even be completely gone to cause concern. One scam victim had money, but suddenly insisted she couldn't spend it on the project she had told her family and friends about. Many of them later learned she had placed it into what she thought was a 'special first date' account for her and what turned out to be the scammer. She discovered the scam right before she wrote a check for his travel, but many scam victims do not get such a moment of luck.

#5: Your friend has developed an interest in new places.

This is an especially strong warning signal if the place they are suddenly interested in is Nigeria, Ghana, a nation in the former Soviet Union, Malaysia, or any other country that is a hotbed for organized rings of romance scammers. This new interest could stem from the belief that the love of their life is working, visiting family, or doing missionary work there. A romance scam victim may also develop what appears to be a sudden fascination with the state or city the scammer pretends to live in, or in the case of many domestic scammers, actually does live in.

#6: Daily and weekly routines and activities have changed.

Scammers alter their victims' eating habits, sleeping patterns, and other daily activities in order to make them more susceptible to brainwashing. The scammer may be insisting on a late night chat via text every night, leaving your coworker tired, unable to focus, and craving sugary breakfast foods in the morning. Or the scammer might have decided to mess with your brother's body chemistry and test his willingness to do what they ask by pressuring him to give up his morning run in order to chat with them via IM instead. Your roommate may shower at two in the morning because he's been up all night talking to a "girlfriend" or you may notice that his normally spotless room is now musty and cluttered thanks to an overflowing laundry hamper and dirty bedding he forgot to wash because he was chatting online for entire afternoons. Pay special attention to someone who suddenly seems to be going to the bank much more than normal, or needing an excessive amount of shipping supplies. They may have been tricked into sending money, making purchases, or unknowingly reshipping stolen or other illegal materials for a scammer.

#7: The person has begun to pull away or isolate from friends and family members both online and offline.

As the scam progresses, the victim's lack of presence in the lives of others goes beyond the initial excited focus on what they think is their new love. Scammers demand chats at odd hours, give their victims little tests and projects to see if they are compliant, and drill it into them that their family and friends would be jealous or against their relationship until the scammer's voice is the only one the person hears. This may cause the target of the scam to stop confiding in or even checking in with friends and family members, avoiding offline social situations, and even neglecting to post updates on social web pages where family and friends can see them and know they are okay.

#8: Subtle changes in values, tastes, and interests can be seen.

Scammers create characters designed to snare each victim by working to match or compliment the characters' values, tastes, and interests to the specific targets. Your friend will not likely switch their basic values, religious affiliation, or career because of the scammer, as the scammer probably pretended to either have similar views and goals in those areas, or pretended to be someone who suited your friend well in those areas. One scammer studied a victim's chat dialogue and learned that she normally voted Democrat and had volunteered on Democratic campaigns, but had also recently had her heart broken by a Republican man who once enjoyed lighthearted verbal teasing over their political differences. The scammer presented himself as a nicer version of that real man, claiming he was a die hard conservative Republican, but his beloved late wife had been a Democrat. At the same time, scammers will give their victims little tests designed to gauge how willing they are to do what the scammer wants. This often involves prodding the person to change small details about themselves. You might notice your friend suddenly favoring a certain type of food, taking up a new form of exercise, or adding or removing certain items, such as pillows, candles, or end tables, from his home.

#9: The person seems to be wrapped up in a new, and slightly odd research project.

You've never known your cousin to be interested in earning a college degree online before, but now she seems to spend hours researching online schools and advancement options in her career. Or maybe you notice her Pinterest page is full of home planning and decorating ideas, when she lives in a tiny furnished economy apartment that doesn't allow much beyond throws and figurines in the way of changes to the decor. Many scammers will urge their victims in to taking up little projects related to the life they are pretending the two of them are going to live together. This is a mind control tactic that serves three purposes. One, it makes the situation seem even more real to the victim. Two, it keeps the victim focused on the scammer, and cuts into their time for anyone else. Three, it keeps the victim's mind occupied, giving them little to no time to ponder the situation and see the red flags that may be present.

#10: You may notice changes in your friend's clothing style and appearance.

Scam related appearance changes may seem positive on the surface. Your friend might start choosing especially flattering colors when buying new shirts, visit a salon for a special beauty treatment, get new makeup or aftershave, or buy a dress or jacket that is clearly intended for a night out or a special date. In any other situation this would be absolutely harmless, but if the person is enmeshed with a scammer, they might be preparing for a special date or vacation that is never going to happen and fixing themselves up to look their best for a person who does not really exist.

Some of these warning signs may seem repetitive. That is because none of them will occur alone. Watch for a variety of these red flags happening within a span of weeks or several months. Anyone who thinks they see a number of these details in the life of a someone they care about is invited to discuss the situation with us on our yahoo groups board or in our chatroom.

Creating a Three Step Online Safety Plan to Guard Against Romance Scammers

by Soraya Grant

Reading and printing out the main red flags of an online romance scammer is always a good safety precaution. Sometimes just having them next to you as a reminder can help you see them in online communications. Here are three more steps you can take as part of an online safety plan.

 

Establish a "no secrets" pact with someone you can trust

Team up with someone you know well and know offline. Make a promise that you will not keep any online friendships or relationships a secret from each other. When you meet someone new, make a note of where you met them, their screen name, and the age, gender, location, real name, career, picture or appearance details, and other basic information they give you. Text or email this information to your trusted confidant. As the online relationship progresses, keep your trusted offline person posted. This does not mean you need to email or text them every time you log on to the site or talk to your online friend, but you do need to tell them what type of relationship you are having with this person, how often you communicate with them, and any red flags or other suspicious details that may come up. The person you choose can be family member, close friend, roommate, or coworker, but it is absolutely vital that you choose someone you can be completely open and honest with about the nature of your online communications. If there is nobody in your life who you feel you can trust this way, talk about the issue with a therapist or other mental health professional and promise yourself you will tell them about any online relationships you may form. Although we are not people you know offline, Scams of the Heart members are also willing to listen to anyone who needs to talk about online friendships and share any concerns they may have.

Making sure you are open and honest with at least one other person helps combat the social isolation scammers often use to manipulate their victims. It can also be helpful to hear the views of someone who is not emotionally involved in the situation. They may be able to clearly see red flags you are not allowing yourself to see.

Make it an absolute rule that you will never send money, send items, do chores or errands involving money, or accept and/or reship packages from ANYONE you have not met offline and gotten to know well in at least one offline setting.

That's it. There are NO exceptions to this rule. It doesn't matter if you think this person may be your dream man or woman, if the two of you have shared secrets, or if the two of you have swapped explicit messages or photos. This rule is never broken. Anyone who really is a genuine and decent person will not ask for or hint for this type of favor from someone they only know online and anyone who does drop hints or makes outright requests for this type of favor is definitely a scammer. It doesn't matter if everything else the person tells you turns out to be completely true; if they are online pretending to date you, fall in love with you, become your best friend, or even have a crush on you when what they really want out of you is money, material goods, or favors, the situation is a scam.

Make a list of your own vulnerabilities.

This will be a journaling exercise. Open up a free online journal account or a new document on your computer desktop or buy a notebook if you prefer to write on paper. Those who are more visually oriented might want to make an offline collage or use a secret board on Pinterest or a photo album on Facebook set so that only they can see it. Whatever form you choose, it is important to be honest and balanced. This is neither a self-esteem building exercise where you only list or post your good qualities, nor is it a self improvement session where you write down your every flaw. Scammers prey on strengths, neutral details, and weaknesses.

Is there an issue you always want to help out with, such as children in need, domestic violence, or animal welfare? That is a wonderful trait, but it is also something a scammer could easily learn about you and attempt to exploit to get you to do their bidding. Do you have a crush on one or more celebrities or a specific physical type? There is nothing wrong with this, just make a note of it in case you find yourself tempted to overlook red flags because the person is "your dream guy/girl." Are you struggling with something right now? Do you have trouble seeing yourself as smart, fun, physically attractive, interesting, or kind?

Every human being has weaknesses and every scammer practices finding those weaknesses and using them to manipulate their victims. Keep your list of traits a scammer might exploit in mind as you talk to your online friend. If you notice them repeatedly touching on one or more of these areas, chances are they have learned this information about you through your online chats or social pages and are using it as part of a scam.

Anyone who sees the red flags of a romance scam, has an offline friend who expresses alarm about their online relationship, or feels that someone they talk to online is gathering and exploiting aspects of their personality is encouraged to join us in our Yahoo group and/or chat room.

Five Myths About the Victims of Romance Scams

By Soraya Grant

Sometimes, the healing process is slowed down because we believe one or more of the myths about people who are victimized by romance scammers. This can lead to giving yourself a mental beat down you wouldn't inflict on your worst enemy. See how many of the following false statements you find popping into your head.

Myth 1: These types of scams only happen to naive people. You must be the type that believes everybody about everything if you fell for a romance scam.

Reality: Romance scams do happen to naive people. They also happen to cynical people and to people with a perfectly balanced sense of faith in others. Scammers study profiles, chat room dialogue, emails, and social networking pages to form a profile for each of their victims. If someone does seem to be naive, the scammer will certainly use that, but scammers also know how to manipulate a cynical person into believing their story is real.

 

Myth 2: Romance scam victims spend their entire life communicating with people they only know online. If you would just make some friends you could spend time with in person you wouldn't wind up talking to romance scammers.

Reality: People have been targetted by romance scammers during their first tries on dating sites or their first experience in a chatroom. Scammers who are out for money or for a general sense of revenge on the world go after anyone and everyone who communicates with them once. Scammers who target individuals for personal revenge use online environments because they are easier to hide in than offline environments. Some romance scam victims are people who live online, some mix online and offline communities, and some barely touch their computers outside of work.

 

Myth 3: Posting sexy photos online, flirting with everyone who is (or seems to be) attractive, and telling a lot of dirty jokes or talking about dating and intimate activity a lot draws scammers. If you were a little more humble and didn't spend so much time trying to show everybody how hot you are, they wouldn't have noticed you.

Reality: Scammers who are working for money or for a general sense of revenge fish for victims at random. It may seem like they "chose" you, but that is only because once you began communicating with them, they began tailoring the scam to you. There is nothing on your profile, chat dialogue, or social networking site that "made" the scammer notice you or pick you. If someone you know offline, or have had previous encounters with online, targeted you for a scam for personal revenge, that shows them to be a cruel and immature person who deals with their negative feelings by harming others. It says nothing about your character.

 

Myth 4: Romance scam victims have a general sense of low self worth, or at least struggle with believing men or women find them physically attractive. If you would just be more confident, these scammers wouldn't be able to manipulate you.

Reality: Romance scammers are happy to use self image struggles to manipulate their victims. They are also ready, willing, and able to scam people whose self image is inflated in one or more areas, and those with balanced and realistic views of themselves. Scammers are skilled at learning both their victims' weak and strong points and manipulating them to brainwash the person into believing they have really entered into a romantic relationship with someone online.

 

Myth 5: People who say they have been " online romance scammed" or "catfished" are just being dramatic. Everybody dates and/or befriends people they later realize are up to no good, both online and offline. It really isn't any big deal.

Reality: Romance scammers go far beyond the run of the mill jerk or creepy person that seemed nice at first. These scams involve brainwashing and humiliation, and in many cases, severe financial losses. Some scam victims even face legal problems. Being the victim of an online romance scam does not have to ruin your life. There is hope, and there is healing, and there is more out there for you than being the target of a romance scam. But it is serious and something that will take time to cope with.

Researching the Red Flags

by Soraya Grant

Memorizing a list of the seven main red flags of a romance scam is helpful, but many people have a hard time believing their online love is not who they say they are until they have done some independent research.

Red Flag 1: The person makes a declaration of love, asks you to date them, or even declares you their best friend after knowing you for a short time and only online.

Look deeper into this situation by stating flat out that you consider everyone you only know online and via the phone a friend and will not make any romantic promises or include anyone in your family or inner circle until you have gotten to know them in a variety of situations, at least one of which absolutely must be offline, off the phone, and in person. You needn't be harsh. A simple, "I am very flattered you're flirting with me, but I never date anyone until we've gotten to know each other offline and off the phone" should get the point across. A person who acts upset, insulted, or continues talking of love and devotion is a scammer.

Red Flag 2: Your online friend asks for money, asks for a laptop, cell phone, or other gifts, or wants you to do banking related favors for them.

Never go along with this. It is never safe to send money or gifts to someone you have never met offline and in person. It is also unsafe to accept money or items from someone you only know online and over the phone for any reason, or to do any banking tasks for them. Asking or hinting for money is a sure sign of a scammer. If you still need to prove this to yourself, offer your friend your time and effort instead. If they've asked you to send cash because they are stuck in a foreign country and cannot access their American bank account, send them their bank's contact number for international transactions so they can speak to a customer service representative and get the situation resolved. Offer to send an online friend who says she cannot afford the new cell phone she needs the number for the Lifeline program in her area. Provide a list of soup kitchens, food banks, and the WIC, TANF, and EBT programs in their area to the person who tells you stories of struggling to feed children or pay bills. A genuine, honest person would use these resources and stop asking or hinting for things. Anyone who claims they got nowhere with all the information you sent, tried that already and couldn't get any help, acts confused, or keeps asking for or hinting for money, gifts, or financial favors is a scammer.

Red Flag 3: The man or woman you are talking to mentions an upcoming business trip or any other connection to Nigeria, Ghana, or another west African country or nation of the former U.S.S.R.

Like asking or hinting for money, this is a sure sign of a scammer.  You can also be a hundred per cent sure you are talking to an organized scam ring located in the country they mention. Anyone who remains reluctant to believe this is a scam need only to contact someone in their local community who does the same type of work the online friend describes. If your friend claims to be an American construction worker who is stuck in Nigeria after traveling there to build an apartment complex, call or email a construction company or someone you know who works in construction and ask them how many times they or a coworker have travelled to Nigeria to build apartment buildings. You will find the answer to be "never." Some may tell you they are going to Nigeria or another nation in that region or the former Soviet Union to visit family or friends. Research this by reading over the stories on "Scams of the Heart" and talking to group members in the chat room and the yahoo group board. Note the number of people who were scammed after talking to someone with a connection to Nigeria, Ghana, etc. What are the odds that this many people in online communities really have legitimate reasons to go to this part of the world?

Red Flag 4: The person talks in an unusual manner. He or she may have an unexpected accent over the phone, type using strikingly incorrect grammar, or seem to change tone of voice from one conversation to the next. You notice a lot of repeated lines.

Scammers typically have ready excuses for these things. They claim their grandparents or family friends were from another country and they picked up their speech patterns, insist the obviously cut and pasted paragraph was done intentionally as a joke, and say their repeated line is just something they like to say. It is also not uncommon for them to act offended that you would question them. Anyone tempted to believe these excuses need only to do some basic linguistics research. Compare their typed dialogue to those of known Nigerian or Russian scammers. Visit YouTube and search for some videos of people from those nations speaking English and compare their accents. If you have a Nigerian or Russian scammer, you will find shocking similarities. American scammers will be a little harder to spot with this red flag, as they will not have difficulties communicating in English. But American scammers do often use repeated lines and cut and paste dialogue. This helps them to set verbal bait and to talk to more than one person without admitting it. Look deeper into this by reading over some of your own emails and chat logs with other people and comparing them to the patterns in your online friend's dialogue. If the grammar and accent is as expected, but you see oddly repeated lines or repeated lines in strange situations, you have an American scammer. For example, one person encountered in a chat room devoted to health issues would say some version of "It has been a hard couple of years since my wife died, but I am ready to date again" any time a new female member joined the online community. While this would not be a red flag if spoken to a good friend over coffee, it is an odd thing to repeat, and an even odder thing to say to a new group member. This person was later discovered to be pretending that at least three online group members were the first person he fell in love with after the death of his wife.


Red Flag Five: An online love interest does not seem to be living the life they are presenting. Perhaps they look different from one photo to the next, seem unfamiliar with a place they claim to live, know little to nothing about a career or hobby they state they are involved in, or seem to have odd schedules, or too much or too little time to chat given the life they claim to lead. Changing pasts or suddenly changing values, tastes, and opinions should also be cause for concern.

Photos can be researched by using a reverse image search web site. Visit one of these sites, drop or copy the photos the person has shown you or sent you into the space according to instructions, and see if the photos have been posted to someone else's web page or account. You may also want to study scam fighting web sites and look over some of the known scammer photos in the albums. Beyond that, pretend you are your own friend, and use a journal or other private place to write to make a list of questions you would have about these details if this were someone else. These can be as simple as "If he's a lawyer, how come he couldn't explain that term I heard on a television show?" or "How is it possible to have trouble attracting women one day, but have been with more than he can count the next?" Once your list is complete, share it with someone besides the person you are questioning. Have a close friend, family member, therapist, or peer counselor discuss the list with you. If one or both of you see details that "don't add up" you have a scammer.

Red Flag Six: Your online boyfriend, girlfriend, or best friend reminds you of yourself or someone you have mentioned online a lot....a bit too much.

Your own web sites and online actions will provide the research material for this red flag. Examine or remember your conversations in the main room of a chat room, your talks with the person in question, and any chats you've had with someone else on the same site. Look over your Facebook, Google Circles, Twitter, and Pinterest pages, as well as any profile you have on any dating sites, health support groups, or hobby pages. Could the person have learned any of these details through any of these avenues? If so, there is a good chance they did, and adapted their online persona in order to pretend to be your ideal match. Remember they can be crafty about this. It is not always immediately obvious. One SOTH member couldn't believe her luck when she unexpectedly met a new online friend who reminded her of a former crush and friend who had broken her heart. They had the same politics, drove the same type of car, and both liked to crack raunchy jokes. She was even more delighted when this new friend appeared to be a kinder, more down to earth version of this former crush. She later realized that this "kinder, more down to earth person who reminded her of a former crush" was really a scammer. He, and possibly others who were in on the scam, had crafted the fake persona by noting all the things she missed about her former crush/friend and all the things that upset her about him, and planning their trap accordingly.

Red Flag Seven: The person appears to be trying make you focus exclusively on them. They might plan a big, romantic trip for the two of you, and encourage you to work overtime or get an extra job to save up for it rather than spending time with your family or friends. The person may encourage you to spend a lot of time researching houses for the two of you to live in or learning about a hobby or interest of theirs. Demanding that you constantly change your routine, give up plans with others, or pushing you to make changes in your appearance or habits to please them are more examples of this red flag, as is forbidding you to talk to certain people or acting upset when you do, or insisting the entire relationship be kept a secret for no clear reason.

Researching this red flag will take the form of reflection. Perfectly normal online and offline relationships of all levels have some of these elements. There is nothing odd or wrong about wanting someone to go on a trip with you, do some research for you, or calling or texting late. We have all had boyfriends/girlfriends or close friends who do this. It is also perfectly normal for friends and dating partners to keep secrets. Telling you you cannot talk to others, or manipulating you into not talking to friends or family is a form of emotional abuse and always wrong, but it doesn't guarantee a scammer. This is still a major red flag because it is also a mind control tactic scammers use to make you more susceptible to believing their lies, keep you too busy to question them, and keep you away from others who might point out something they don't want you to notice. Make note of any of these types of details as you examine the other red flags. If this behavior is present along with one or more of the other red flags, you have a scammer. Should these types of demands on your time become extreme, or if the person is trying to make you feel guilty or ashamed for having other friends or talking to certain people, insisting you change your tastes and appearance to please them, or pushing you to spend large amounts of your free time doing things for them, this is an emotionally abusive and dangerous person, even if they turn out to be completely genuine.