by Soraya Grant
You just learned you have been scammed.
It happens in a variety of ways. Sometimes the victim realizes that
there is something wrong with the stories their online love has been
telling, does some research, and reads stories that are too close to
theirs for anything else to be going on. Other times someone at the
bank or Post Office recognizes the telltale signs of a reshipping or
money scam and points them out. Other victims meet fellow members of
the online community where they met the person, learn that others
also believe themselves to be dating the person, and trade stories
only to find that "their boyfriend/girlfriend" has been
pretending to be different versions of the same person, or different
people entirely, and getting money, favors, or gifts from several
people. No matter what type of scam it was, or how you found out, it
probably feels like your world is crashing down around you right now.
There are several things you will want to do at this time. Some of
them will help you heal. Others will only lead to more difficulties.
Things to Do:
Spend some time learning more about
online romance scams.
The web site you
are reading right now features over seventy articles and other posts
about romance scams. Take an afternoon or evening and read as many of
them as you need to. If you would like to talk to someone, Scams of
the Heart also has a chat room and a yahoo group available. An Amazon
search for "romance scams" will also generate a list of
books you might want to purchase or find at your local library. MTV's
show Catfish also illustrates
many warning signs of scams and can provide comfort to those going
through a scam.
Take
some time for yourself as much as possible
In
the best case scenario, you will be able to call in sick to work for
a few days, or arrange with your professors to miss classes for a few
days, arrange for children to spend a few days with an aunt, uncle,
or grandparents, and give yourself time to heal from a very real
trauma. At the same time, we understand that everybody does not have
a job with paid leave available, professors that will allow them to
miss class without penalty, or friends and family who can care for
children. You may need to struggle through your daily life, and steal
some time when you can, but please do so, even if it's only the two
hours while a young child is in preschool, the time between your last
class and dinner in the cafeteria, or the drive or ride home from
work, let cleaning, extra work, and any errands that aren't
absolutely necessary slide for a bit and take some time to process
what happened to you.
Delete,
block, and otherwise get rid of everything related to the scammer
Delete
all their emails and empty your trash can. Erase any photos they sent
you. Block them from contacting you on every web site you used to
communicate with them, including your email and messenger accounts.
Throw any flowers or uneaten food gifts away. If the scammer sent you
any jewelry, scarves, teddy bears, or other small objects, donate
them to the thrift store or a local non profit. Erase any web pages
you were saving related to the relationship you now know to be a
scam. If you bought anything for yourself or your home, because of
the scammer make plans to replace it as soon as possible.
Things
to AVOID:
Never
give in to any urges to physically harm yourself or others
The
only people who are at fault during a scam are the people who planned
and ran the scam. You, your friends, your family members, your pets,
and your coworkers did not do anything wrong and none of you deserve
any type of harm to come to you. If you feel the urge to hurt
yourself or anyone else, go to the nearest hospital, call a suicide
or crisis line, or visit the crisis chat web site as soon as
possible.
Never
confront the scammer
Most
of us who have been scammed wanted nothing more than to sit down and
write the scammer a long letter detailing exactly how we figured out
they were a scammer and what we think of them and their scams. If you
must do this, write it out in your journal and keep it for yourself.
Do NOT send it to the scammer.
The
person you were talking to is very different from the person you
believed you were talking to. No matter how sweet the character they
portrayed seemed, the real person or people on the other side of that
internet connection are not going to be sorry. One of two things will
happen; the scammer will either pretend to be sorry, promise to
reform, and lure you into a second phase of the scam, or they will
lash out at you. Either way, the scammer or scammers will use your
letter as a tutorial to help them run more successful scams in the
future. This is one aspect of coping with a scam where SOTH does not
support the actions of the hosts of Catfish.
That show does a wonderful service, but it is still a reality show,
and all reality shows fudge the truth of the situation a bit to make
for more entertaining television. Never
confront a scammer...online or offline.
Don't
pour your heart out to random people online
Scams
of the Heart members would be more than happy to sit and listen to
the story of your scam. If nobody is in the chat room, join our yahoo
group, and post a message to arrange to meet someone in the room as
soon as they can get there for you. If you have any difficulties
navigating the chat room or yahoo groups page, or think nobody has
seen your post, the email addresses of the moderators are available
on our site. Someone who understands what you have been through will
be there for you. Joining a random chat room or forum may make the
situation more stressful. Many people do not understand what an
online romance scam is, and may brush your situation off out of sheer
lack of knowledge. Others have joined an unmoderated chat room
looking for an online hookup or fight, and are going to push for that
with anyone they talk to rather than listening to what the person
wants to discuss.
Now
is not the time to make any major life decisions or changes
The
moments, hours, and first few days following the discovery of a scam
are going to be confusing, painful, and scary. You are not in your
best frame of mind right now. Do not drop out of school, quit your
job, or spend large sums of money right now.
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