By Soraya Grant
Learning a friend has been the victim
of an online romance scam is a shock. While you and your friend are
both adults and perfectly capable of choosing your own words and
monitoring your own behavior, there are times that the shock of
learning a friend or family member has been scammed causes a person
to misunderstand, blurt, or panic. Continue to speak to the person as
you always have, but remember that there are some things it is
important not to say to a scam victim.
1...."How could you be so naive?
Couldn't you tell this was fake?"
Why This Hurts: Scammers of all types
devote a great deal of time and effort to convincing their targets
that the online persona and the relationship is real. Much of this
time and effort is channeled into the same type of mind control
techniques used by cult leaders and domestic and dating violence
perpetrators. Scam victims span the range of personality types, and
even the most cynical can fall victim to an online romance scam.
2...."You made a commitment to
somebody online? What were you thinking?"
Why This Hurts: The scammer used the
same brainwashing techniques described above to convince your friend
that this relationship was special and unique. If your friend was
unfamiliar with scams before their own scam, they saw the early and
intense declarations of love as something magical that happened to
them, rather than as the common red flag they are.
3....."Well this was bound to
happen. You flirt with every guy (or girl) who puts up a hot picture
of themself on Facebook."
Why This Hurts: No matter what type of
scam it was, how long it went on, or what the person lost in the
scam, it was not their fault. The only people who are at fault during
a scam are the people who are running the scam. Being scammed is not
punishment for flirting or any other dating or social behavior.
4..."My ex
boyfriend/girlfriend/former crush turned out to be a real jerk too."
Why This Hurts: No matter what happened
during your last relationship or the last time you were interested in
somebody, it was not the same thing as being scammed. Being scammed
is a different experience from real dating and real relationships.
5..."Let's work on setting
boundaries and establishing supports.."
Why This Hurts: Now is not the time to
play therapist and speak in psychobabble. That is unhelpful and off
putting to a lot of people at any time, but your friend especially
needs real-life, down to earth, ordinary friendship right now. Speak
to them in your normal voice using everyday words.
6..."Sit down. First we're going
to make you a new budget. Then we're going to go through your stuff
and throw out everything you bought during the scam, then we'll have
dinner and come back and .."
Why This Hurts: The scammer has had
control over your friend for the duration of the scam. Your friend
needs to take back control over his or her own life. Do
urge your friend to take safety precautions; delete, block, and
ignore every piece of communication from the scammer, cancel any
credit or debit cards they've given out to them, refuse any packages
the scammers sends...but beyond that, your friend needs to be allowed
to make their own decisions again.
7..."That's
too bad. Let's go have one of our fun Friday nights and forget all
about it."
Why This Hurts: It
sounds like you think being the victim of an online romance scam
isn't anything more than a bad day. If your friend is the type who
really would be helped by doing something fun right now, make sure
you let them know you understand how serious the scam is first, and
ask them if they would like to have a Friday night like you guys used
to rather than brushing things off.
8..."Well no
wonder they went for you. You're hot!"
Why This Hurts:
Complimenting a friend is sweet, but remember that many scam victims
want nothing to do with any form of flirting, dating, or
attractiveness for a while. This type of statement also shows a
serious misunderstanding of scammers. Nigerian scammers, American
money scammers, and American revenge scammers who target random
people do not even form opinions of what the victim looks like. They
pick anybody who will serve their purpose and say anything they need
to say to get their way. If the scam was carried out by an American
who targetted your friend for personal revenge and that revenge did
have something to do with them being attractive, the scammer
certainly wasn't acting because they were charmed by that
observation. Scamming, no matter what the goal, is a cruel thing to
do to someone. It isn't a form of flattery.
9...."Well
it's over now. Just drop it and move on."
Why This Hurts:
Phrases like "get over it," "move on," and "just
drop it" tend to have the same result as "don't look down."
They make the person want to do the exact opposite. Yes, your friend
will need to move on from the pain of the scam, but you can't make it
happen by commanding them to do it.
10..."How are
you going to get your money back?"
Why This Hurts: If
your friend was the victim of a money scam that lasted long enough
for them to be persuaded to send money, that money is gone. It
doesn't matter if it was a Nigerian scam or an American money scam.
Any money they sent is gone. Your friend is also not going to get
back any gifts they sent.
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