By
Soraya Grant
After
a romance scam, people often find themselves clinging to parts of the
scam. It can begin to feel like you will never truly be able to let
go and live a life free of the influence of the scammer. But the
mental and emotional hold will lessen, and there are some things to
keep in mind to help move the process along.
Photos
the Scammer Sent
The
best way to avoid clinging to photos the scammer sent is to
immediately delete every picture from every device you’ve saved
them on and then empty your trash files so that you can’t restore
them. Tear up any photos you printed out and throw them in an offline
trash can. Any time you find yourself hesitating to part with a
photo, remember that the vast majority of scammers fake their
appearance and steal photos. In these cases, the pictures you are
looking at do not belong to anyone you have ever met, online or
offline. It is no different than looking at random photos of
attractive people you stumble across on modeling sites, boudoir
photography sites, or public photo albums. When you look at them, you
are looking at a total stranger who has no idea you even exist. While
it is rare, some scammers do use their real appearance. It is still a
good idea to get rid of all of their photos. No matter how
good-looking you find the person, every time you look at them, you
are looking at someone who pretended to have a personality, past
history, current life, and relationship with you that did not exist.
This person did all of this just to get your money, trick you into
doing something illegal for them, or hurt you just to cause emotional
pain. This is not someone who deserves to have their photo saved in
any of your albums.
Plans
You Made
Scammers
love getting you involved in planning things. It serves as a good
test to see if you are willing to do what they want. If you’re
willing to give up your afternoons on the tennis court to switch to
golf for them, they see this as a sign that you’re willing to do
other things they are planning to ask you to do too; like send them
money or gifts, reship items for them, or just perform a bunch of
random acts they can enjoy knowing they made you do. Becoming
engrossed in planning something also messes with your daily rhythms
and removes you from contact with friends and family, making you
susceptible to brainwashing. Sadly, these plans can also be exciting.
Even after you have come to realize the whole situation was a scam,
you may find yourself wishing you could attend the school or retreat,
stay in the hotel, or go on the adventure. When you find yourself
longing for these things, remember that these plans were not made
with a loved one who had your best interests at heart. You were
goaded into making them by someone who only wanted you to do this so
they could mentally manipulate and control you. Cancel all of these
plans, and delete and block any messages from contacts or other
places connected to them. If you are afraid of being rude to a real
person, such as a travel agent or school admissions officer, send a
short, polite note explaining that you will not be carrying out these
plans for personal reasons.
Because
scammers use details they get from talking to you to further their
stories, you may find that the plans are very similar to something
you actually want to do. If the scammer manipulated you into planning
an elaborate trip to Toronto, this may be because they learned you
really wanted to visit Canada someday. The scammer that had you
researching resorts in the Rocky Mountains probably got the idea when
they learned you like luxury hotels.
This
doesn’t mean you have to give up this part of your personality,
just reclaim it from the scammer by creating fresh, new plans for
something that is all yours. Avoid incorporating anything from the
scammer inspired plans in your real plans.
Real
Details
This is an
especially strong trap for victims of American scammers. Scammers
from the United States typically work alone or in very small rings.
Mixing in a few real details from their life makes it easier for them
to manage all their made up stories. It also saves them from coming
up with a reason why they can't take a personal check if they want
your money. Adding some real details also serves as a shield in case
the victim researches the scammer's name. Once the victim realizes
these few real details were all that was real, they may be tempted to
cling to them. If your scammer was American, you might find yourself
repeatedly reading the official web page of the state where they
live, researching their company, or fixated on landmarks in their
city.
Some people are able
to just make a conscious decision to stop visiting these pages. If
the pull is still too strong for you, consider blocking these sites
from your computer using the same programs parents use to block adult
oriented material from their children. You will still know the
password, but the effort of having the block pop up will make it
harder to just “check out” the sites. As time goes on, these web
sites will lose their appeal.
The Stories They
Told
It can be particularly difficult to let go of the person you thought
you knew online if they told you interesting stories. Many scam
victims have the experience of doing just fine until a song, movie,
television show, or overheard conversation brings up something the
scammer told. Any time one of these stories pops into your mind,
remind yourself that the vast majority of scammer stories are stolen.
The person may have really had coffee this morning or like to wear
blue shirts, but if they told you an elaborate tale of the road trip
they took with their college friends, there is about a 99% chance
they got the story from a past victim, a television show, a movie, or
someone else they know. One scammer told a victim elaborate stories
about his long career as a nurse. He may or may not have actually
worked as a nurse for some time, but it is certain that he did not
have the nursing career he described. No one person could ever have
this many adventures in one lifetime, and the stories seemed oddly
familiar. The victim would later hear the same stories again....while
watching reruns of a famous medical drama that had gone off the air.
The scammer had taken plotlines involving several characters from the
show and woven them into stories to keep his victims engrossed in
chats with him.
Items Purchased
For the Relationship You Believed to be Real
In many cases, the victim makes purchases because of the relationship
they believed was real. You may have purchased clothes to wear on
the first date, household items for the home you planed to share with
your new love, books or sports equipment for the interests the
scammer pushed you into, or a new cell phone to communicate with the
person. The best way to free yourself from these items is to throw
them away or donate them as soon as possible. Do not use them as
gifts or pack them away. Get rid of them. You may not be able to do
all of this right away, but do the best you can and work through
everything as quickly as you can. If you donated your whole wardrobe
to a thrift store and bought all new clothes to please what you
thought was your new girlfriend or boyfriend, you may not be able to
just haul these away and buy new outfits in your old style right
away. But you can begin making a shopping list, putting as much money
as you can aside, and slowly getting rid of a few items you don't
absolutely need in order to get dressed in the morning.
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