Regret and Forgiveness

Why is it that these two words are the hardest to follow or accept? Know the old saying that hind sight  is 20/20, we look back and see all the things that we  either choose to forget or our subconscious mind did not allow us to see at the time. I have often wondered why this is, is the memory too painful for our minds to handle at the time or did we choose to ignore hoping it would get better or change?

Regret is something we all have.  We feel  sorry for our actions, something we said or something we didn’t say, something we did or didn’t do to someone that was hurtful or wrong, either knowing we did it or unintentionally. We mourn for something or somebody; feel sadness or sense of loss and longing. After knowing about being scammed, did I regret the things I did? Or was is it the things I didn’t see, the signs or should have known better? These questions I have asked myself over and over again. What could I have done differently? I thought I had done my research into online dating, thought I was prepared, thought I was smart enough, wise enough , this strong independent woman was prepared for this whole new dating world.   

 When I lost my mother, I regretted giving her a hard time, regretted not telling her that I loved her more, regretted that I didn’t help her more. With my scammer, could I have really made a difference in helping him more?  Could I have changed the way he lived and made our so called relationship work? Could I have changed the fact that I was scammed and lied to?  And after knowing he used me, my biggest regret was I believed he truly cared for me. I regretted that I put myself into a position that could have caused me a life of freedom, a life away from my family, my grandson’s and my life in general. 

My scam was a little different from most:  most gave their life long, hard earned money, some gave scammers money they stole from others.  We didn't know we were being deceived into giving money.  We did this not knowing that in our  lives it could have been used to fix our cars, our health, our homes or our retirement. Those are now our regrets we have; the scammers' only regret is they were exposed and now are cut off. We are humans we all will have regrets in life, it’s the path we have to walk on our journey, but it shouldn’t  consume us, we can’t bring back the what if’s, we have to go forward and a make the best of our now’s. And that leads me to forgiveness.

 I believe forgiveness is the hardest lesson of all. Letting go of the hurt caused to us, the grudges, the bitterness and the anger.  We say we forgive someone who has hurt us, but do we really? We try to live our lives honestly, with compassion. We try to treat others how we would like to be treated. But when we have been hurt and deeply, been lied to and used, how do we find forgiveness?  Mustering up genuine compassion for those who have wronged us, instead of allowing anger toward them to eat at us. Our pain is like open wounds and can leave lasting feelings of anger and vengeance and yet if don’t practice forgiveness who really pays the most dearly? I have found that forgiveness leads to hope, peace and joy, it can lead us in our healing.

To genuinely forgive someone, it’s a decision to let go of the resentment, the hurt feelings. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to minimize or justify what has happened to us, they are responsible for the hurt they caused you, you can forgive without excusing them. Forgiveness can lower your anxiety, stress and hostility, lessen your depression. I am not saying you have to forgive your scammer or ever forget, what I am saying is “Forgive yourself”.

If we cannot forgive ourselves, we pay the higher price by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship or new experience we have in life. We become so wrapped up in the wrong that we cannot enjoy the present, we become more depressed and anxious and feel life lacks meaning or purpose. Consider the value of forgiving yourself and the importance in your life. Move away from being the victim and release the control and power the scammer has had on your life.

So I have chosen to let go of the past, that is something I can no longer change. It is no longer an option to let the past dictate to me how I live my life. I will never forget, but it is now my choice to be free and happy and not hold grudges. Forgiveness may be the hardest thing ever to do but in the long run forgiving myself and not living in regret makes me a better person.

Verna

Do scammers retaliate by exposing the intimate details of our conversations?

A member writes:  Do scammers retaliate by exposing the intimate details of our conversations?  My mistake was using my work e-mail which gives him too much information about me.  I am afraid this has become an obsession with me and i think about it every day. Any advice from you all?

Our response:  I've heard of scammers threatening to release intimate emails or videos captured via webcam, but I've not yet heard of one who actually did it.

What you are feeling is natural -- they planted this anxiety in you. They try to get us off of dating sites, and onto IM where we have those intimate conversations or web cam performances. They do this on purpose because they know it creates a bond, and the feeling of a most intimate relationship. Most of us experience some separation anxiety when that relationship goes away, either by our choice or the scammers. Fear of having your intimate thoughts and words exposed is scary for anyone. The scammers know this and bank on it, some times quite literally.

If he were to make an expose of your words, where would he publish it?  How could he do this in a way that would damage you professionally? Even pornography sites will immediately remove content if you show that the person who posted it does not have the rights to that picture or video, and since the scammer does not own the rights to your words, you would have the upper hand there. If he were smart enough to figure out the names of the principals or owners at your company, and email them, you could simply state your email address must have been stolen, and distance yourself. The key here is not to over-react. You are much more likely to receive a virus or a piece of malware than you are to have your words published in some way.

What I think you're afraid of is revenge -- and for a scammer to want to exact revenge, he would have to care. The truth is that they are predominantly sociopaths, and have no feelings for us at all. Not one.  This is just a job to them, and when one door closes, another one opens, sadly. They couldn't care less about losing one "mugu" because another one is right around the corner.

Welcome. You're among friends here.
 

A member's nightmare

Imagine sitting in a prison in a far away country.  We're not talking a cushy federal prison -- but a third world prison. International treaties that govern how prisoners can and should be treated are not recognized in Malaysia & human rights are non-existent. This is a country where detainees have been punched & beaten daily for a month for being caught with a cell phone. Detainees (those who have not even been tried or sentenced) can be held in solitary confinement for up to 60 days.  Initially, detainees will have virtually no exposure to the outside world, as they are denied access to family visits, books and newspapers. However, after the first two weeks, detainees will be allowed to see their families once a week, for approximately 45 minutes. For such meetings, the detainees are taken from the PRC blind-folded to a police station. Additionally, detainees will not be allowed to see their lawyers during the entire 60 day period. The detainees are restricted from access to the outside world to prevent them from leading the police on a "wild goose chase," and to enable maximum cooperation with the police. (see footnote 1)  Now imagine this is you and that you are here because you married your love, one who turned out to be a scammer.

One of our members wrote to us in December to describe her story.  She was caught up in a romance scam -- and after eight months of corresponding, made plans to marry her love.   On the sixth day of her "honeymoon", the apartment they were staying in was raided.   She was arrested along with the other wives and occupants, and while she was released eventually, the stark reality is that she ended up in a Malaysian prison because she was willing to speak to a stranger she'd met on the internet; to believe that love and marriage are possible.  

This woman is well traveled, has lived in the US and AU, and is a devout Muslim.  How did she end up here?  I asked her how she made it through this ordeal --and she responded that it was her faith that carried her through.  Allah would not take her to a place where she would not be protected.  I am in awe of such inner strength.  she was released and is putting her life back together.  She is one of the lucky ones.

The scammer in this story is awaiting deportation to Nigeria, where he has another wife and family.   He uses email addresses such as Decoder4u4eva@yahoo.com, Wilson4u4eva@yahoo.com, and Frank4u4eva@Hotmail.com.  She sent the above photo in the hope that someone might recognize one of these men.  Look at this photo carefully.  These are the men who are sending the carefully crafted love letters, the sweet words we long to hear.  

What happened to "Beth" could happen to any of us.  Scammers use well documented social engineering methods to create a profile and manipulate their victims into doing and saying things they would not ordinarily do.  Some victims describe being "under a spell" and knowing that they are doing things they maybe shouldn't, but feel powerless to resist.  We send money and reship packages, never thinking it could result in legal complications. Some of us dream of marriage and happily ever after.  For certain, none of us ever expects that will end in a Malaysian prison. 


Our goal at ScamsoftheHeart.org is to help victims turn into survivors, to assist in their healing, and to educate the world about scammers.  If we've gotten your attention today, we've done all of this.  

1: http://www.hrschool.org/doc/mainfile.php/lesson31/51/

Holidays and Grieving

December has come, time for the holiday season, it’s a time when your excited to be with your love ones, spending time with friends at Christmas parties, laughing and enjoying yourself, watching the excitement and joy when seeing the young ones open up their gifts. 

It’s a time of joy and a time for happiness, but as December approached I began feeling disconnected, grumpy, sad, overwhelmed and not wanting to participate. My excuse was that I was being cooped up inside, over stressed with work, things not going as to my plan. Then it hit me December 3rd was my scammer's birthday.  It had been a year since I met him:  he was suppose to be here by now.  I was suppose to be in a love filled relationship and excited to be spending my first holiday with him. I was supposed to wake up everyday with the knowledge he would be by my side, celebrating not just the holiday season, but our lives together, our future. 

I realized that it had been almost four months since I learned of my scam.  I thought the healing process was over, the hurdle of my devastation, my emptiness, my sorrow and grief. I looked out at the make shift grave I made of him, the ashes I buried telling him my hurt, how my heart was broken, my tears I have cried over losing him, my unconditional love I had for him, my hopes and dreams that we were to share. And when looking at that place, I realized my grief was just really starting, only in a different direction, my emptiness not filled. How was I to get thru the holiday season with the knowledge he wasn’t going to be here? How was I going to put up a good face with the knowledge that there was still a void in my heart. I felt lost I feel lost, I felt everything all over again, the pain, the anxiety, the depression. It was just another chapter in my life opening up again, only this time it was Grieving. 

I tend to think through things, if I don’t understand something I research, I try to find the answers that I seek.. How do you seek something that is no longer there? Will I ever feel happy again? Why is this happening to me? It’s just another twist of answers I seek, same as when I first found out about my scam, but now in a whole different light, it’s about coping with my grief, trying to find my happiness again.

In one way or another, we are all affected by death. Losses are inevitable and are ever present in all our lives. Death as that is what we feel after being scammed, a loss of our love one. Death is universal. Grief is universal. We all must cope with bereavement at some stage in our lives. Even though death can be separated into two categories, long-term illness and sudden death, the loss of our scammer, all death is sudden. The finality of death brings to those left behind a tremendous amount of emotional pain. Grief is not something abnormal, rather it is a normal and inevitable step in our journey through life.

Grief is defined as: 1. conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in familiar pattern or behavior. We as victims of scams have relied upon and expected our daily calls, email, words of love and endearment. 2. a normal, natural and painful emotional reaction to loss. What we feel after we have found out our one true love has deceived us is Grieving is difficult because it involves many intense feelings--love, sadness, fear, anger, relief, compassion, hate and happiness. We feel intense pain, disorganization as if drowning in a sea of painful emotions, the loneliness and emptiness is all consuming. Grieving is difficult work. We make plans for our future with them, we trust, we give our hearts and souls for them and then learn it’s all a deceiving lie. And now we are faced with the knowledge that we are back to healing, making plans for our future without them, learning to heal, learning to accept again we are worthy, we are good human beings worthy of navigating through our lives and through the journey of grief. We hope again, we balance the life we have now little by little, there is no time frame for healing we take each day for what it is and learn from it.

Death is like a great wound it leaves a scar. It may heal and the pain may ease but the mark is always there, the memories. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, we grieve in our own way, the most important thing to remember is:  the object of our love and loss is no longer where he was before, he is now only a part in which we were.

I feel each of us was put on this earth with a plan already made up for us, each sadness, each pain, each joy, each love is a our journey in life. We may not understand at this time why we go through them, but we learn from everyone of them. As I write this a very good friend of mine is not expected to live much longer. He is 91 years old, has lived a good life, knew love and gave it freely. He had losses, he had triumphs, pain, sadness and joy. When I look back through the years I have known him, he made me smile, he showed me respect, courtesy, what a true friend was. I will miss him dearly, think of him often. When one door closes another one opens, and I have found this with my new set of friends here at SOTH. We may be all different people, different cultures, beliefs. But we all share a similar bond, a similar death. We all pull together to help everyone else out no matter how little or big, it all makes a difference.

So as Christmas approaches, I won’t put on a fake smile, I won’t ignore my feelings or my pain. I will take each emotion and learn from them, accept them as they are. I won’t push myself to pretend nothing happened. What I will do is seek the enjoyment from my family, take one day at a time, seek pleasure in the happiness of my grandsons, not feel ashamed of what happened but learn from it. Yes it will be hard and at times lonely, but I will find my happiness again maybe baby steps but I will learn to walk through this life lesson.

I wish all of you at SOTH a Happy Christmas, and a better New Year to come. It will come and by next December less pain, more fulfillment, happiness and the void no longer there. -- Verna

Chatty Holidays, or Miracles in Strange Places

It was about three years ago that I first discovered that chat rooms could be miraculous places.   It started in a group very similar to ours.  They were there for me when I'd been scammed, but they didn't use their chat room.  One member of the email group mentioned that she was feeling really let down -- that she'd expected to be in this new relationship for the Christmas / New Year holidays, and now she'd be all alone. Her pain was shared by many.  We decided to meet in the chat room to keep each other company. 

I don't remember which one of us suggested it.  I do know that  it began with one single suggestion.   We are a group of women and men who had one thing in common -- we had all been scammed in one way or another.  We  met that Christmas, and shared our stories.  Before long, we were laughing together.   Sometimes our conversation was light hearted and superficial.  Other times, it was intense and personal, especially as new members found their way to the chat room and needed to share their pain and disbelief.  

Our trust in others had been damaged by faceless strangers who only pretended to love us for financial gain.  But over time, we began to trust again, slowly and surely.  As we shared our pain, our stories, we found that we were not scorned or judged.  We found others who had experienced similar situations, and could tell us how they handled their feelings and emotions, how they learned to move forward.  We encouraged each other when times were bad, and celebrated when times were good.  Most of us had families -- but this new family shared a bond that was and remains special.  

The holidays can be acutely lonely times.  It can seem that everyone else in the world has a loving family and/or children, and that we're shut out in the cold. Its also a key time for scammers to ramp up their game and promise to come home for the holidays -- and for some of us to be left waiting at the airport for a ghost as that horrible sinking feeling sets in.

Scams of the Heart will "leave the light on for ya" and greet you with caring and compassionate members who will soon become friends.  You don't have to be alone any more.  Come on and join us -- what have you got to lose besides that horrid loneliness?  www.scamsoftheheart.org   //mw

Winners!

This week, our guest author is Laurie S.  Thank you Laurie for sharing your experience! -- M

Life takes many twists and turns and we end up in some of the strangest places sometimes. If someone had told me 6 months ago that I would be doing the online dating thing and would meet a scammer, fall in love and feel complete and utter devastation I would have laughed at them, ME? online dating, are you crazy?  Well, the last laugh was on me but there is always something good that comes out of everything, you just have to look for it, it’s there, you will find it.

I found the most wonderful, caring, compassionate and loving group of people I could have ever hoped to meet and they come from all over the world.  Scammers don’t discriminate, they get everyone, everywhere, but in the end we are the winners.  We did nothing wrong, we were only trying to help a fellow human being and for that we can always take pride.  There is a song that refers to those people we see standing on the corners with their signs that say “I will work for food” and the song asks if you helped that fellow human being that day, he might just be an angel sent to test you.  Think of your scammer as one of those tests and know that you did the right thing.  

This may sound really strange to most of you but I believe this experience has been a major turning point in my life.  It has made me step back and take notice of ME and what I am about and just what I want out of life.  I had mentioned to the email group a while back about a book that I had to read for a class I was taking, it is called Taming Your Gremlin by Rick Carson, it is a strange read but a good book, makes you take a look at yourself and what those little voices say to you all the time.  There is also another book that went along with the class called Suma the Elephant by Gary Shoup, it is about an baby elephant that is found lost by a bunch of monkeys that keep him in chains and treat him terrible.  When a group of fellow elephants come along and try to get him to go with them he is afraid, he chooses to stay in those chains because it is all he has ever known…..is that what we want to do?  I think not, I am no longer staying in my chains and I don’t want to see anyone here do that either.  Good books and I suggest them but only if you are going to be open minded enough to try the suggestions in them.  Life is about choices and I choose to live, how about you?  Don’t let your scammer win, I don’t intend to and I don’t want you to either.

Stay blessed my friends and keep healing and know that you are worth every moment that you spend on yourself.

Depression

This month, I asked a few members of SOTH to write about their experiences.  This is the first of the two stories. Thank you to Darbycat for sharing her thoughts with us. -- mw

I was so very depressed after learning I was a victim of being scammed. I just could not understand what was happening to me. How could this person use me like that and how could I have allowed this to happen. I have to share how I met him and why I could not understand. I was divorced 15 years ago, remained single trying to focus on raising my children, healing myself from a 10 year failed marriage. I was not ready to put myself out in the dating world, did not like who I was and did not want to make my children go through the process of bringing someone new into there lives. Divorce just does not effect the couple, it effects the children more so than a marriage full of resentment, arguing. They feel at least my parents are together. Anyway after getting them raised and on there own and me liking who I was finally, I decided to do the online dating thing. It wasn’t that I could not meet people or interact with them, but it was the new social media way of finding a potential companion/relationship. I did my research into online dating, the supposed safe way of meeting people.. I never heard of romance scammers and it didn’t even cross my mind they were out there. I signed up to a paid dating site, had my share of mutual responses both local and out of state men. I met this man who was widower looking to get back into dating after 3 years, we conversed on that site several times before he gave me his phone number and asked to speak with me over phone. Even this went on for about a month and then we met in person, had a brief relationship before he took a job in Malaysia.I checked out his contract with whom he was suppose to work for, checked out business and made sure it was the truth. He even said he understood if I didn’t want to continue with him being so far away and for a long period of time.. We kept our relationship online and by phone for over a year, never once did he ask me for money, never asked for anything but my time and attention, we even had video messaging. It wasn’t until about a month before I found out about the scam, he was due to come back to the states, told me he over stayed his work Visa and needed to stay longer work to come up with funds. I started to receive gift cards to help him make purchases and to ship to him so he could get the extra funds. I never thought I was doing something wrong until I was visited by a Postal Inspector telling me I was being used as a mule to purchase things and reship, that gift cards were stolen from other people. You can image my shock, my slap in the face. I confronted him immediately, I was outraged. I was being prepped all along, that my so called relationship with this man was a fake.

Anxiety immediately took over, I couldn’t think, sleep, eat or concentrate at home or work. My daughter found SOTH, where I immediately went to for help. As I’ve said I did not know there was such a thing as romance scams. I wanted answers, needed know why this happened to me. I eventually had to seek Mental Health therapy. That was my eye opener to depression and how the medical field and public really did not know how to treat my type of depression. I asked how can this be? How can the medical field not know that there are people out there suffering from devastation from romance scams. Why isn’t there any adequate help and resources out there? So my search began: I found a lot of subjects on credit card scams, scams on natural disaster relief programs, financial institution scam. But not one article on romance scams. Wow that said a lot in it’s self..

We go thru a lot of emotional changes after we have learned we’ve been scammed. It is best described as we suffer a loss much like divorce, death of a spouse or end to a long-term relationship. It is similar to PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). The devastation of losing the person we thought loved us but betrayed us is overwhelming. We experience embarrassment, humiliation, our self esteem is crushed, we become angry and want revenge, we want answers to something that cannot be answered. To us we believed we were in a relationship, to them it’s just another job, we are just another person to help them in there crimes, we are not even considered a human being to them, that is why we cannot understand or find the answers. And then depression sets in to the fullest. We miss and crave the attention that our scammer gave us, the sweet words, the attention we so wanted and most of all the love we had. It is documented that 6.7% of the U.S. population suffers from some type of depression. These symptoms range from everyday struggles, the up’s and down’s of daily living to chronic mental health conditions such as Bipolar, Manic depressive and the list goes on. We all experience loneliness, hopelessness, helplessness, anxiety, sleep deprivation, lack of concentration and mental fatigue. With romance scam we reach all of these symptoms quickly in such a very short time. So that was why I was floored that our Mental Health professionals know so little of what we are going thru, why they have a hard time understanding what we are going thru. Most just want to give us medication as they do not know who to counsel us.

Most therapies tell us we need to confront what it is that is causing our pain, our depression. Find answers and begin our closure. It’s just not that simple for us as romance victims. We try to get by each day with the interaction, we try everyday to find ourselves again, we grieve, we cry and then we accept what has happened and we talk with people who share the same experience as we do.

Our healing begins by shutting out these people, by not letting them back in, we begin by educating and protecting ourselves from them, learn there language, learn who the scammers are online from the real ones. Help educate others about them. We cannot change who the social media site allow on there, money is there motivation and as long as they receive there fees they are not interested in what happens. We heal by knowing we are special people, we have large hearts, are caring people and never give up on that. We learn to like who we are again. We all have depression in our lives, some may require medication to assist us for a time and that’s okay. And we when we feel down, talk to someone in your group who understands. We all learn from every experience in life, some lessons are harder to learn from but in the end we can, we survive. We are the winners.

Hi all,

It's been a busy month at the SOTH email group and chat room.  I'd like to welcome 60+ new members in the past 30 days -- wow.  The scammers must be getting dumber, because you all are a very bright group.  I love, love, love the support I'm seeing you give each other. 

We've had lots of changes internally in the past month. Cindy has decided to leave the group to pursue other interests, and while she is missed, we of course wish her well.  We hope her photography ventures bring about the desired change in her life.  

Share has had some major changes in her world as well, and may not be as active as before, but she is checking in and holding her head high.  When the dust settles, she'll be back and better than ever!  What doesn't kill us really does make us stronger. 

Finally, I'd like to welcome two new moderators in training to the gang.  Shirley is our resident songstress, a founding member of SOTH, and has lots of wisdom to share with us.  I had the pleasure of meeting Denise in person in August, and while she's still a bit wet behind the ears, I have a gut feeling that she's going to be a mighty powerful advocate for our members. It won't take either one of these wonderful ladies much time to get up to speed -- i can see their lovely hands at work already.

A sneak preview into October:  it's my hope that we'll be able to welcome a mod for our "Euro's" (Our European members) soon.  Stay posted. . .

Best,
Mary W

85 Days Til What???

Well, what can I say?  We've had a very busy summer at SOTH.  It's almost Labor Day already and that gets me thinking about how close the holiday season is.  You saw it in the title here.  It is only 85 days until Thanksgiving here in the USA.  While everyone gears up for the change of seasons, we are gearing up at SOTH for the holidays.  It's not parties we are thinking about either.
 I would love to believe we may be able to prevent some people from getting all excited about meeting their new romantic interests for the holidays only to be left waiting alone at the airport for someone who is never going to arrive as they promised.  To me, this seems like one of the worst parts of these scams.  All that happy anticipation boiling down to deep disappointment in just a few minutes just makes me almost want to go set up a booth or room at the nearest airport just to be there for anyone who was waiting on a phantom that did not show up.  But the best I can do is prepare myself for the holidays at SOTH.  The busiest time of the year always seems to be that time between Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day and sometimes on through to Easter as these fakes pretend they are going to be "home" for the holiday.

Consider this my little booth at the airport as I hope to send out the message to anyone who may be reading this right now...if you are using online dating sites to find love, please be very careful and please read everything you can find online about romance scams so that you can also be prepared for the holidays.  If you are emailing someone, check the FULL email header (not the abbreviated one we all see on our emails) to find the IP address of the person you are emailing.  Don't be concerned about invasion of privacy.  It's out there for anyone to see and to be safe in this world, it's something we need to learn how to do to protect ourselves.  If you have received photos, run them through Tineye and Google Images to see if those photos have been stolen or used on other profiles in the past.  If these come up without any convincing information as to whether the person you are talking to is a scammer, then contact us so we can help you figure it out.  It's so much better to be safe and know than to risk your heart being broken and your bank account cleaned out.  And it's much better than waiting at the airport to find out the truth.

 ~~~~

Okay a quick change in topic to announce that we have added a new moderator to our group.  We now have four moderators who are ready, willing, and able to help you navigate your way through the internet jungle.  We'd love to tell you all that it's a safe place out there.  But we can't do that.  What we can do is help you learn how to be safer online, especially when online dating or using social networks such as Facebook.  So help me welcome our new moderator, Angel, to the fold.  Along with Mair, Share, and myself, Angel will be there for you to reach out to if you need help dealing with romance scam issues.

cp     

Anniversary Coming Up!

I can't believe that it has been a whole year! I also can't believe that it has been a year and a half since my scam ended! Back then I went through what I think was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was so down and so lost with no idea what to do next. I found the group and slowly but surely gained my confidence and self esteem back! I learned to trust again, although it was a difficult road. 

Now here we are with our group celebrating a year of existence. I could have gone my way I suppose, but I chose to stay and help others recover from the devastation. I am so glad I did! Not only have I helped others, but it has helped me too. Every story I hear makes me stronger and able to help someone else through to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Along the way I am meeting wonderful, caring people also and to me that is priceless. Some heal faster than others, but they do heal and that is the most gratifying thing to me. To watch someone start to laugh and smile again is worth everything to me. To know that they will go on with their lives and find happiness and contentment is just so uplifting.

So on the eve of our Anniversary I hope  that everyone stays safe on the internet and that you are scammer-free. If you suspect that you are the victim of a scammer, please reach out for help. We are here for you!

ss

A Big Anniversary Celebration Is In The Works

The month of August 2012 is a big month for us at Scams of the Heart.  Our main website including the chat room officially opened on August 7, 2011 which means we will be having our first year anniversary.  And for our group, that means a party!  Not just any party, either.  We continue to have our holiday parties and member birthday parties, and sometimes parties for no particular occasion, but this anniversary party is going to be the King of Parties!  Beginning Friday, August 3rd and ending Sunday, August 12th, this party will be more than a week long celebration of memories from the past year and even before that to our goals and plans for the future of the group.  We hope all our members and friends, old and new, will join us in the fun.  We have a lot to be thankful for!

To join the fun, or to come and get help if you are involved in a possible romance scam, just click HERE.

~~cp

Steps To Healing From A Scam

Here is an article written for us by a guest writer. it is very informative and may give you a new perspective on the whole experience of being scammed and what the writer did to help the healing process.

ss

Steps to Healing from a Scam

by Soraya Grant

Give Yourself Time, Energy, and Space to Process What Happened to You

Scammers engage in deliberately planned patterns of psychological manipulation. Many of the tactics they use are identical or very similar to those used by abusers in domestic violence situations, cult leaders, and unscrupulous multi-level marketing schemes. You may have lost, or come very close to losing a lot of money or find your finances in disarray because you bought clothes, electronics, furniture, or other items for what you thought was your new life with someone wonderful. None of this is something a person can just recover from instantly. Accept that for a time, you will dwell on the scam. The person you believed you were talking to either shared your religious and political beliefs or the two of you engaged in an enjoyable or enlightening banter on these subjects. The two of you had the same or perfectly compatible career, family, and financial goals, and spent a great deal of time discussing these issues. You were likely charmed by all the "little things" the two of you had in common. When you've just spent weeks or months discussing everything with someone, everything is naturally going to remind you of that person. You may find yourself clinging to tiny bits of the scam as though they reflected reality, even though you know they do not. Some scam victims become attached to videos or photos the scammer used. My own scam was a copycat of the Nigerian scam, run by one or more Americans who tossed in a few real details of the primary, possibly only, scammer's life to throw off anyone who researched them, and I found myself unable to let go of the town I had been made to believe would soon be my home. This period of intense focus on the scam will be incredibly painful while it lasts, but you are not doomed to a life sitting alone repeatedly watching the movie the two of you talked about or gazing at stolen photos or web pages of places you'll never see. Eventually, little gaps will begin to form. My first gap was a criminology book I purchased on a trip to a mall with some people who knew nothing of the scam. I spent about ten minutes picking it out and several hours reading it and pondering the cases it discussed instead of the scam. These gaps will slowly stretch, becoming larger and larger as you heal, until the scam is nothing more than a tiny thread at the back of your mind.

Take Back Some of the Little Things You Gave Up to Please the Person You Thought You Knew

Did you used to love to tend your flower garden, but gave that up to spend time online talking to the scammer? Buy new plants or seeds if you can afford it, and if your finances are depleted, organize your gardening tools or shed or spend some time online learning about the latest trends or techniques for the type of gardening you enjoy. If you love to read, but never got to finish many books due to waiting for the scammer to IM you or log into chat, buy or check out something new for yourself. Have a video, movie or television show marathon featuring that celebrity crush you always avoided mentioning so the person you thought you were in a relationship with wouldn't get jealous. Listen to music you gave up because it was part of a painful story the scammer told, or an artist they claimed not to like. The scammer who victimized me played on my sympathy by insisting that he broke down crying because the song "Drops of Jupiter" by Train was "his song" with his wife who died. While the ringleader or sole copycat scammer did indeed have a wife who died, I have no idea if that was one more detail of his deceased wife's life he was heartless enough to use in an internet romance scam, or if that was an invented detail he or they stole from some former victim...and it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that Train is my favorite band, I've loved that song since it first came out, and I stopped listening to it so I wouldn't ever slip and tell "my boyfriend" that I had it playing in the background. That song has never sounded better than it did the first time I listened to it just because it was a song I liked.

Get Rid of Everything You Added to Your Life for the Person You Thought You Knew

Scammers craft the characters they play into the ideal partner for each victim, but they also manipulate people into making major plans they can use as an excuse to ask for money. Planning to marry or move in together as soon as he gets back from his business trip to Nigeria is a common ploy west African scammers use to set up the "I'm stuck in the country and need your money to get out" scene. If you experienced this, you may have started picking out furniture, looking at houses, or putting money away for a down payment. The American scammer who manipulated me planned a special first date and vacation for the two of us that would require him to travel a great distance, then complained incessantly about being broke until I offered to send him the money for his plane ticket and pay for the hotel rooms. I closed the account I set up for this purpose. Getting rid of realtor's cards, furniture catalogs, and anything else you obtained in preparation for your life together with this person will probably feel just as freeing. Another common scammer tactic is applying subtle pressure to see what little things they can get you to agree to do. You believe you are making compromises for the sake of a relationship, or doing something special to please your man or woman, but the scammer is really giving you a little test to see if you will do what they want. The American scammer had me convinced I should attend a school whose philosophy strongly contradicts my own beliefs, purchasing clothing items in colors and styles I don't care to wear, and changing my grooming and beauty routine habits to fit his stated tastes. I even took out an expensive cell phone plan in order to communicate with him. The process of informing that school I would not be attending, finding a place suited to me, donating those clothes, and getting rid of that phone was the process that finally ended the lasting pain.

Embrace Those Things That Have Always Been True to You Once Again

Sorting out what was you and what you took into your life because of the scam can be a complicated process. Mixed in with all those grand life changing plans and little tests the scammer gave you is a lot of your own thoughts, feelings, tastes, and interests that have been reflected back to you as belonging to the person you thought you knew. It's one of the primary methods they use to make you think the two of you have a lot in common or are compatible. Take your time with this, and be honest with yourself. The American scammer had an "ordinary guy" persona with me. He liked the simple life, in a small home with no designer or name brand labels or need to have jewelry or the latest gadgets. . He even sang me a song he claimed to have written years ago about being "an ordinary guy." Being more Sears and Applebee than Dior and country club myself, I embraced this enthusiastically and was inspired by "my man" to simplify even more. The day I discovered the scam, I first found a marriage announcement in his local paper for the man I thought was my soon to be live-in boyfriend and possible fiance and another woman. Not realizing it was a scam, I told someone else who claimed to be just his friend in the chatroom where we met that this man and I had been dating, but he demanded I keep it a secret. I then went on to tearfully tell the person the relationship was over because he had been cheating on me and had married the other woman. His "other friend" and I discovered it was a scam together, as we traded stories detail by detail, and realized that he had been pretending to carry on nearly identical relationships with both of us, including wanting us to arrange special meetings and dates that required him to travel. The only major difference was...the man she believed she'd been dating had a very different background, a slightly different appearance, and lived a very different lifestyle than the man I believed I had been dating. Her "boyfriend" had already bought her diamonds, lived in a huge house, and had just purchased the latest model smartphone. My initial urge was to start looking for five jobs I could hold at once, so that I could afford to live in a manner that was the exact opposite of the life we discussed, even if I would have to hold my nose to swallow that fancy food and own one outfit because it cost more than a whole wardrobe of clothes I actually wanted. But that would only be an act of cruelty to myself. That person who would rather have a DQ Blizzard than the Golden Oppulence Sundae at Serendipity 3 wasn't the scammer or the person the scammer was pretending to be...that was...and still is...me.

The above article was based on the path to healing taken by a romance scam survivor. It is not a therapy plan, nor is it recommend or endorsed by a mental health professional.